F*ck you bacon: what’s your deal?
Bacon, I have two words for you: Fuck you.
A popular breakfast food, a favorite burger topping, a heart attack in the shape of a strip, you, bacon, disgust me.
I can’t stand the feel, I can’t stand the taste, I can’t stand the smell; I can’t even stand the word “bacon.”
I don’t know what it is, I just can’t stand you. I’ve eaten you a time or two before, and I wasn’t satisfied either time.
Coated in grease, fat and salt, how can anyone like you? Oh yeah, because you’re coated in grease, fat and salt. You’re loved because you’re unhealthy, and who the fuck likes to eat healthy?
Bacon, fuck you. You want to know why? There are too many kinds to you: Thin cut, thick cut, regular cut (whatever the fuck that means), brown sugar spice, Applewood, jalapeño, maple, the list goes on and on and on! I mean, you have names I’ve never even heard of! Bacon, why must you be so complicated?
Walk into Walmart and you see rows and rows of different kinds of bacon. Do customers really need to get a headache from picking out bacon? Didn’t there used to be a simpler time to where you just had one kind of bacon to choose from?
People take bacon way too seriously. If it’s not the kind they like, they throw a bitch fit. If it’s not cooked the way they like, they throw a bitch fit. I get it; some like it “smooth” and some like it burnt and crispy, but just be a civilized human and eat it like you would anyway. You, bacon, have the power to make people happy just by existing. Shouldn’t your presence be enough to please people? I mean, you even have your own emoji, for Christ’s sake!
I watch people devour you and I just want to puke. They add bacon on top of bacon while I dig and pick through food to get rid of you.
You’ll rue the day, bacon.
In order to make this article somewhat decent, I had to eat your disgusting ass, for I needed more inspiration aside from my internal hatred of you.
It’s sad when I have to find a meal that includes you just to get this done, and luckily, the Farmer’s Table is low-key so there’s absolutely no reason to fuck you up for no goddamn reason.
How’s the food you ask? Well, I decided on an English muffin with a scrambled egg, hash browns, gravy and oh, I almost forgot, bacon. Just two simple strips of bacon. Nothing more, nothing less and definitely not anything fancy. And I must say, it was pretty delicious. The meal, that is.
Now, as for the bacon, unfortunately, there was some slight disappointment in it. For being a low-key place, they sure know how to make you taste dry and crispy, and not in a good way. You would think they would try and make you look appealing. There was no flavor to you; I had to dip you in the warm, creamy gravy to make me think you were desirable.
Okay, okay, it wasn’t that bad; the bacon, I mean. I obviously didn’t die from eating you. If I did, the lovely people at home wouldn’t be sitting there reading this and start to wonder whether or not I’m human.
Bacon, I do apologize for being so harsh, but I just thought I’d let you know how I truly feel about you. Honesty is the best thing, right? But come on, people act like you’re the bees knees, like you’re the best thing since sliced bread (sorry, but Betty White has that title), like you’re the best relationship anyone has ever had. Enough already!
But the lovely meal I had doesn’t change how I feel about you. You’re still disgusting to me, and will always be coated in grease, fat and salt.
