Finding Your Fire
It is Time to Walk your Life Path. You’re Ready to Face What’s Coming.
The past month has been a roller coaster for many people. At different times we felt intense fear followed by complete relief. We have collectively been in a toxic relationship for some time now. We all need a government sponsored 3 month detox vacation!
This week we may be riding a sense of peace due to our change in leadership. Others of us are already preparing for worst case scenarios. Wherever you are with your understanding of what is transpiring in our world, it is now time to focus on your own life path and finding your inner fire. We have been working hard to focus on getting more grounded and connecting (and perhaps purging) a lot of toxic emotions — it is time to listen to our internal wisdom and use our will to bring forth the change we want to see in the world.
The Lifecycle of a Toxic Relationship
The most dangerous time of a toxic relationships is in the first year post-breakup. Scientifically we know from decades of research on domestic violence that we celebrate too soon and let our guard down. I learned this in my post-doctoral training in forensic psychology when I was trained in assessing the risk of murder for domestic violence cases. When it seems like it is over, there is usually a lull before the next attack takes place. When we are not yet awake, we have a hard time seeing it coming.
If we are all going to work together to give birth to a new way of being in the world, we need to be aware that our energy, our light, and our minds are going to be susceptible to negative outside influences for some time. It is not uncommon for that negative influence to also take hold of a loved one while you work like hell to stay grounded, emotionally balanced, and in the light.
So for this week, I thought I would share a personal story of a karmic relationship that will be told in more detail this year when my book is released. It is how, as a woman, I was able to deal with some very toxic behavior, use the system to create justice, and stay on my path as a woman.
When We Rise, We are Tested
The purpose of Garnet + Fire will be to empower women and the divine feminine energy to rise without fear. Unfortunately, this will come with a ton of testing and boundary setting. In 2016, when I first started doing media work, I experienced first hand the toxic control and jealousy of a man who, I figured out the hard way, wanted to use my perceived success for his own ego. After a very toxic evening where he interrupted a work related weekend — I had to come to terms that this was not a healthy connection. It only took a few weeks for us to go from happy first date to date from hell but I left the final “meeting” exhilarated that I had any items I left at his apartment with me and that it was indeed, over.
Except it wasn’t. I went to grab my favorite sweater out of the bag and there were holes in it. I had a forensic psychologist friend tell me that it looked more disturbing than things she had seen in the mental health ward of a prison! The a-hole had destroyed a number of my personal items and threatened me in a note. Most women do not have my training nor the confidence in the police but I walked it all to the police station to file a report.
I’m not going to lie. Despite my training and comfort working with law enforcement — I froze. Yet, NYPD executed their jobs incredibly well.
To keep this note short, I had a positive experience with the police because I knew how the system worked. He destroyed enough property for it to be a criminal offense (sometime most of my clients have no clue is an option for them). It triggered his arrest, access to victim services for me, and a healing conversation with the detective on the case who point blank told me, “You do not deserve to be treated in this way. Let me do my job.” And boy did he do his job. A week later I got a call from the ADA who asked what I wanted. I. I told him I wanted a check and for him to do community service at a domestic violence women’s shelter.
I got both. I never thought I would see the check but, sure enough, it came.
None of us deserve to be treated with abuse, disrespect, violence or to live our lives scared. We live in fear too often because we don’t have the education, the connections or the support to stand up for ourselves and move through these situations.
We won’t have a choice anymore. If we all want a new world, these shadow behaviors will need to be dealt with and healed. The last thing we want to do right now is ignore the shadow and push it back underground. While I have no idea how his community service impacted him (or not), I can only hope that my setting of limits triggered his own need to heal so that his daughter can grow up with a father who no longer treats women the way he treated me (I did find out later his ex has a restraining order as well so this was no new behavior). In the best case scenario, this experienced forced him to make new life choices. In the worst case, he still calls me names under his breath. Who knows which way it went but I will always wish him the best.
Why the Positive Psychology of Relationships is Necessary Education Right Now
The most difficult thing we will ever do is learn to forgive and move on when people have wronged us. We are living in divisive times that has the dangerous effect of creating a false sense of security by incubating ourselves around people we believe are likeminded. This is how we will end up killing our braincells. At the end of the day, it is an illusion. We have to grow and learn that people’s behavior may not be acceptable but we can still love them as a fellow human being from afar. Our relationships, all of them, serve as a spiritual journey. If we stay in a negative mindset about others, we destroy our own lives.
For example, Harvard Business School highlighted a military case study of a change in structure that led to huge morale decline and fear. After about three years, there was a huge increase in alcohol abuse and mental health difficulties. The leaders of the base sought out wisdom in positive psychology:
Grand Forks applied this philosophy more extensively than any other U.S. military base previously had. For example, because the destructive and disciplinary actions had a relational component, base leaders invited junior personnel who were seen by peers as informal leaders to assist in cocreating a solution that would promote desired behavioral and social change.
The simple shift from discipline to understanding the problem from a relational perspective helped to reduce substance abuse and suicidality. The main intervention? Create a huge Tuscany style kitchen and dining room so that a community could be created, face to face, with no cell phones.
Never under estimate the power of the divine feminine’s joy of hosting a dinner party for healing.
All relationships matter. Most conflict is relational in nature. We have learned some very toxic ways of handling communication in the last four years. It will be up to all of us to learn that the people who scare us or try to hurt us the most are also our biggest teachers.
I will be forever thankful for this date gone nightmare for reminding me that I have the inner strength to take care of myself and speak my truth. For when the divine feminine’s energy steps into leadership roles and uses her power to heal, teach, and mentor — the purging of toxic masculine behavior begins. It is is simple energy psychology 101. While this may look like chaos, we have to go through the death of one type of behavior before transformation and rebirth can occur.
And as a fellow Scorpio rising — I am apparently very comfortable with helping people go to the dark places to bring the light. You are never alone.
Call for Submissions
If you have a story to share that would empower women or the divine feminine energy in all of us, please consider submitting your writing to me. You can send me an email with your Medium author handle. We all have wisdom and stories to share and I can’t wait to hear from you.
XOXO
Dr. J
