Find Relief From Perfectionism And Calm Your Inner Critic
Life is messy and the more you try to control it and make it all perfect, the more you will suffer. Most of us recognize this, but on a feeling level there can be a disconnect.
So how do we define perfectionism?
Perfectionism — a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.
Perfection — the state or quality of being or becoming perfect
Perfect — conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type.
Do you notice something? There is no common understanding of perfectionism.
Perfection is an entirely individual, arbitrary standard.
The above definitions are unable to accurately describe what perfectionism really means.
Beneath Perfectionism is Fear
Essentially striving for perfection means that you never feel what you do is good enough.
Behind this is a fear of being criticized or rejected by others. We are social animals and from biological programming, rejection threatens our survival.
Striving for perfectionism is running away from facing that all of us, including ourselves, are… well… imperfect.
I am a recovering perfectionist. While perfectionism has helped me achieve loads of things in life, the flip side is that it is exhausting and self-limiting because there is no end to it.
What is good enough? How can you even define “enough”?
For me, it used to feel like shooting up an elevator in the tallest high-rise… with no ceiling. As soon as I have reached the highest floor I realize that there are infinitely more things I could be doing better.
Over the years I have worked on embracing this fear and becoming more comfortable with my own imperfection.
The Cost of Perfectionism
Perfectionism can touch all aspects of your life. It can take the joy out of living and working.
You are a perfectionist when you spend endless hours improving and beautifying your slides.
You are a perfectionist when you spend countless hours on vacation planning on a quest to find the “best” hotel to stay in and the most amazing and authentic restaurants to eat in.
You are a perfectionist when you procrastinate handing in your report because you think it’s not good enough.
Six Tools to Beat Perfectionism
Over the years I have experimented with lots of approaches in an attempt to free myself from perfectionism. Here is my personal collection of six tools that have proven to be the most helpful for me.
1. Recognize that imperfection creates what we all long for: connection
First and foremost, what was helpful for me is to realize that perfection is not even a desirable standard.
Perfectionism intimidates others and creates disconnection.
It is like armor we wear to protect ourselves from social rejection. Despite our best efforts though, there will always be people who dislike what we say or do.
The experience that imperfection and vulnerability create true connection was something hard for me to grasp at first. But now it makes total sense.
People connect through compassion and shared joy or challenges.
When you are a perfectionist, there is no shared experience that people can relate to on a human level. It comes across as false and leads to people distrusting your authenticity.
When I let go of perfectionism people suddenly felt closer to me. I realized that I will be okay and can let go of my armor, facing the fear of rejection and becoming more comfortable in being uncomfortable.
Recently I launched my first website. Putting my story and service out there led me to feel exposed and vulnerable. Secretly I was expecting criticism and rejection.
Though what was different now versus my past pattern is that I was aware of what was happening and could work with it.
In the end, I was positively surprised that it was mostly well received and some people were able to connect to it not despite but because of the imperfections I revealed about myself.
2. Allocate a set amount of time to complete your tasks
As the saying goes, work will expand to the time you give it. When do you ever know that a product is finished, ready for launch?
I have been working in corporations for about a decade now and I have never experienced a launch of a product that was 100% launch ready.
Most of the time, a launch date is set and only if the product is a complete disaster would management decide to shift the date.
What is more likely to happen is that you decide to descope certain things and hope that they don’t have a huge negative impact. And you do all the necessary improvements while the product is live.
When looking at our individual work, it’s tempting to procrastinate when there is no hard deadline, like a fixed launch date.
I have found that allocating a certain time to each task is one of the most powerful ways to beat perfectionism.
To do this I give myself a specific target, such as writing a first draft within 2 hours. I then will work with the output I generate in this set amount of time and stop myself from overthinking whether it’s good enough. The focus is essentially more on the process than the outcome.
There is a great tool to support this kind of process. It’s called the pomodoro technique.
You work in super focused, uninterrupted sprints of 25 minutes, followed by a 5 min. break. And you continue through 4 or 5 cycles. At the beginning you decide how many sprints you want to allocate to the task and off you go.
The commitment to such a technique prevents your inner perfectionist to stretch the time you are investing in tasks.
3. Commit to less: limit your available seats
I am typically way off in my estimation how long a task will take me. Despite having this experience, I still tend to think that I can do a lot more than is actually humanly possible.
When I plan to do a number of tasks and am unable to complete them I feel frustrated with my own abilities. I fall into the mental trap of thinking that I did not work hard or fast enough. Even though when stepping back I would realize that there was objectively not enough time to complete the tasks according to my expectations.
The way I work around this is that I give myself exactly three slots for tasks every day. These are for big, challenging tasks.
If I complete the three my day was a success. The goal is to feel good about myself, which is why I view anything I do on top of my backlog as a bonus.
This limited prioritization forces me to think about what’s really important on that day and not beat myself up over not doing more. Think about it as a contract with yourself.
The same is true on a more holistic level. I set myself up for frustration and disappointment when I think that I can excel in all areas of life simultaneously.
Recently I started my training in coaching while working in my corporate job 4 days a week. I have high standards in my day job. But during my training, I have to spend multiple hours a week working with practice clients and build the foundations for my business. This, in turn, forces me to dramatically cut my overtime at work.
I also have a desire to do yoga on a daily basis and set myself the goal of learning to do a handstand. I read every day. And I want to keep my weekends relatively free to spend quality time with my partner.
During the week I would like to see friends once in a while. And on a more fundamental level, I want to feel energized and healthy, which means for me that I need to get enough sleep.
Is this humanly possible? Probably not… Does it create frustration in me that I cannot do all of these things well at the same time? Yes, absolutely.
I learned to let go of my unrealistic expectations in order to get out of work on time and do a good enough job in my coaching and business building while accepting that my relationships will be less of a focus during this intense period.
I love metaphors. My partner once told me that I need to kick people off my bus because it’s so overloaded. He is right.
There is a finite number of seats on my bus, these are the things that I can do well. All the other guests will just create an overwhelming feeling of pressure.
So decide how many seats you have on your bus and ask the overbooked passengers to get off and wait for you at the bus stop… Until you can unload some other passengers and have a couple of seats available again..
4. Experiment with imperfection
Since the underlying source of perfection is the fear of criticism and rejection, a very healing way to learn that everything will be okay despite your imperfection is to run small experiments and feel what it’s like.
Send that report when it’s about 80% ready. Put your video out there even though you know you could do better. Publish your new website, even though it’s not fully ready yet. Sign up for that speaking opportunity despite the fear of making mistakes on stage.
What you will notice is that everything will be okay and others may not even notice your perceived deficiencies.
A great benefit of this will be your ability to dramatically increase your productivity since you have more energy and time which you can spend on the next tasks.
Work with an incremental mindset. When you put your work out there unfinished, imperfectly, it does not mean that you can no longer improve it.
It’s a process. If I post my first blog post and notice that my readers find it too long, I can be more concise in the following post, or even shorten my existing post for new readers.
The important thing is that you are able to get feedback by exposing your work to people. And this feedback will only come when you hit send, publish or post.
5. Make your small successes count
Another important part in feeling okay with your progress is to recognize the small successes you have, ideally on a daily basis.
We often take our smaller accomplishments for granted. Recognizing ourselves for the small steps boosts our self-esteem, celebrates the journey and takes the focus away from perfection.
I bullet journal every night and have combined this practice with my gratefulness journaling. This allows me to recognize what I am grateful for externally and what I feel good about internally. This practice alone has had a tremendous impact on shifting my perception of the progress I am making and has increased the satisfaction I am getting out of my daily work.
6. Calm your inner critic
This set of tools is not complete without addressing that inner nagging voice, which continuously lets you know what’s wrong with you and your work and tells you that you are never going to make it.
This voice only becomes a problem when you actually believe what it is saying.
Rather than being angry with this voice and trying to shut it out, a more effective way could be to introduce a counter voice and say to it something like “Thanks for the feedback. I hear you, but will do it anyway.”
Talk to your inner critic like an annoying boss, who is never happy with your performance, whatever you do.
If you don’t have a mindfulness meditation practice yet, this can really help you become aware of your often useless and destructive mind chatter.
If you are like me you will be outraged with what you hear, because you would not even talk to your worst enemy as you talk to yourself day in and day out.
The Bottom Line
Perfectionism is the antidote to progress, connection, and satisfaction in life. It takes a toll on us and our relationships.
Putting some of these practices into action and developing a more gentle voice that embraces your imperfection will transform your life and allow you to connect with others on a deep level.
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