How to recognize great friends

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.

It may be obvious for many, but it took me years to realize that friends are one of our most important assets. Friends we choose can make or break many aspects in our life. Friends that your friends choose to hang out with, can also affect you. For example, if your partner has bad friends, it can even break your relationship with them.

One of the things my father told me when I was young was that “friends come and go, and they cant be relied upon”…. Now that was some really bad advice.

At a certain point in time, we may not have had all the wisdom we needed, nor were we able to think straight or make an informed decision. Great friends enable our growth, prevent us from making stupid decisions, push us in the direction we need to grow, and always be there for us.

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” — Muhammad Ali

The interesting thing is that it may not be very obvious to us whether someone is a great friend. I have one friend who I chat with once a year, another one who often asks me how I’m doing and yet another one who I connect with spiritually. To make it clear to myself as to whether they were great friends, I had to ask myself what happens in the following scenarios.

When you are in need

A great friend will always stand by you and give you guidance when you need it. I have always found it difficult to accept situations where there are people around me when I am energetic and full of laughter, yet not have the same people around when I am going through pain.

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

People ask me, how is it going and whats going on with my life. These days I reply that I am coping with life, post divorce…and I see people exhibit a weird energy, stop replying messages and slowly drift away. I also experienced a person struggle since he did not know what to say. To put him at ease, I told him that he can choose to leave and it wouldn’t be impolite :)

Not every day is meant to be a good day for any of us and it’s just part of life. A true friend is there for you regardless. Great friends give their presence and time when you are in need. After all, time is the most precious resource.

When you are in need, great friends also provide sound advice, especially advice that is not popular. If they are unable to offer an opinion, they will be honest about it rather than ignoring you or beating around the bush. It’s easy to doubt ourselves and feel defeated when we heed the opinions of the crowd that involve greed, revenge, laziness, popularity, etc. A great friend speaks the truth and sets things straight. They know how beautiful you are and tailor their counsel to support you. Not so great friends always make you feel drained and stressed. It is expected that it’s not going to be easy supporting a friend going through a difficult time in their life. However, if they were always this way, as long as you can remember them, they are probably not friendship material.

“Friends are an indispensable part of a meaningful life. They are the ones who share our burdens and multiply our blessings. A true friend sticks by us in our joys and sorrows. In good times and bad, we need friends who will pray for us, listen to us, and lend a comforting hand and an understanding ear when needed.” — Beverly LaHaye

We must be willing to share our life with our friends and at the same time actively listen to them and their needs. Your real friends know what you need in life and call you out when you are making excuses that prevent you from reaching your goals. If you wanted to participate in a marathon, they don’t buy your excuses to sleep in. If you wanted to be a public speaker, they don’t accept your excuse for stage fright. If you wanted a job with a better work-life, they challenge your excuse of not having enough time to prepare for interviews.

When you share your wins

It is a common understanding that a person that shows up in your need is your friend — as indicated in the famous saying “a friend in need is a friend indeed”

However, the way they behave when you also share your success is the real test to distinguishing great friends.

“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.” — Oscar Wilde

In my first job I had a colleague who was very helpful since I lacked experience. I felt so blessed to have a friend in her. Unfortunately it didn’t last long when after a few months I experienced her criticizing my work without reason and not engaging in any conversations once my manager and colleagues started congratulating my contributions. I didn’t understand her behavior then, but I do now.

Great friends celebrate your growth, be it your career, wealth, or relationships. It is only human nature to feel sorry for yourself if you don’t have much going on for yourself. Your real friends, however, put their differences aside and always put the friendship first. They are also smart in knowing that your success could also help them grow. That's right, they always have the growth mindset. If they instead become insecure and envious, they just can't appreciate you prosper. Your success reminds them of their sense of failure and it can turn into various kinds of behavioral projections that involve anger, sabotage, and manipulation, so watch out for that. The reasoning for these behaviors is usually not obvious.

“Don’t make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up.” – Thomas J. Watson

Choosing friends who have a growth mindset sets you up for lifelong learning, development, and character building. They also ask deep questions to better understand your perspective and further enabling the growth of your relationship with them. They also don’t shy away when you question them or debate with them to learn a better understanding of the subject. They push you in the direction you need to go, help you find meaning, and focus on developing deeper bonds than just talk about superficial things.

I hope this article helps you identify and choose friends wisely as they help shape our life, bringing us purpose and fulfilment.

Thank you for reading.