Simple rules for a successful lasting relationship
There are numerous things we look out for when we intend to start a relationship with a partner. This could include anything from physical attraction to intellectual and emotional compatibility. However, once we have compatibility, what takes us through the long haul, the better or for worse, requires a different outlook and traits in our character. We usually tend to focus on qualities they should possess or what they should do for you consistently. While it is definitely one of the lenses you can use to look at relationships, this article focuses on one of the most important purposes in our life — building your character.
You might have just started your relationship, you could be a year into it, you could be just married, could have just had kids, could be a decade or several decades into it. It doesn’t matter. This article is for all of you.
Give yourself for their growth
“People make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love, and the real answer is you love those to whom you give.”— Rabbi Dessler
I believe most would say that you need to love and focus on yourself. While self-love is important, a successful relationship involves deep bonds between partners who simply focus on the betterment of the other person. One could argue that it is a recipe for abuse, and yes, it is true in many cases. At the same time, it could also lead to the most amazing experience in your life, where both partners take care of the growth of the other person, without question, with complete trust. We definitely need to take note of how our partner treats us at any stage in the relationship, but always give them the benefit of the doubt.
“I did all these things for you, but you rarely do anything for me”
Firstly, we must do things without expectations. We don’t need to give up on expecting basic things which involves acknowledging the other person e.g. a simple thank you or a smile. Expecting some form of gratitude is a basic expectation, and that’s ok. However, if we are driven by an agenda behind doing a favor for the other person, what we then have in mind is probably not a lasting relationship.
Secondly, it is never about a list of things we did for them that was comfortable for us. That list is insignificant to the things your partner really needs. Doing the list of things your partner needs for their growth, means everything, even if it is difficult for you. At a certain time in our life, you might have had to work at a job you don’t love, looked after kids even though you didn’t get enough sleep, relocated although you were not thrilled about it, but you did it anyway because your partner really needed it at that point in their life.
To clarify, this shouldn't be equated to sacrifice. There is a difference between taking time off work for a year to look after your kids vs sacrificing your career to look after them your whole life, relocating to support your partner vs relocating by giving up on your career.
“Go into a relationship to give, rather than to take. In due course of time, if it feels one sided, be happy that you were courageous enough to give regardless, and that you let love grow in you. Use your best judgement, exercise your free will and if it doesn’t work, move on”
It’s a common belief that a relationship which thrives on one person giving to the other, is idealistic. But in reality, it only takes two people to think this way. If you believe that it starts with you, you are right. If you are capable of doing it, why wouldn’t there be another person who is capable of doing the same?
We were created to give, which is also why we naturally feel great when we do so. Be the change.
Resist the evil one
You may not be religious or spiritual, but you may agree with the concept of good and evil. If you don’t, feel free to skip this section and move onto the next.
We are always tested in our relationships as new curveballs are thrown to us in our life. We may get into a relationship with the best intentions, but as time goes, negative thoughts that could break the relationship, creep in.
This could be influenced by something external. For example, it could be as simple as your friend posting a happy picture with their partner on Instagram. You soon start to feel sorry for yourself and focus on things you don’t have.
We all know the reality, it’s not what it seems.
It could also be as simple as being with bad company and a friend circle which only focuses only on complaining and superficial things in life, as opposed to gratitude and supporting each other. We may also perceive our partner’s anger and frustration as something negative and come to conclusions such as they don’t love us anymore.
Not all negative thoughts are external. We could have had a difficult past and we might naturally expect our partner to hurt us. It could also be that we have some insecurities we would want to protect. Some examples of insecurities could be ‘I am not worthy’ or ‘I will never succeed, and if I try I will always fail’ and hence we stop growing. We might protect our insecurity so much that we start projecting unrelated topics onto our partner like ‘why can’t you clean the dishes properly’ or ‘why don’t you just earn more money’. But what we are really saying is, ‘I’m worse than everyone no matter what’ or ‘why don’t you work, so I don’t need to face my fears’. We may be looking for all the perfect qualities in a person because we think you are not worthy or lack these qualities. We might also be fighting over small things and trying to gain power in the relationship while the relationship dies.
Let the relationship win over evil thoughts, always. When we start to compare our relationship with others or focus on things we don’t have, it should be a good sign — just snap out of it.
Practice patience and tolerance
No one tells us the right set of skills needed for a long term relationship, nor do they tell us how difficult it is, especially if the topics discussed in the previous two sections are not going well. So, what do you do if your partner is not a giver or has negative projections? This is where patience comes in. We are not perfect, nor do we have all the wisdom or are capable of seeing things from all perspectives.
Ask yourself not what your partner did wrong or what they did not do. Ask yourself why they did it or did not do. Everyone is capable of learning (at their own pace), so ask them questions to better understand them.
Riding the storm and giving them the benefit of doubt or helping them overcome some difficulties they have, is a skill one needs to develop. You may not know their situation or know what to tell them to console them, but never leave them. The one who wants to help and be with you will never leave you. And you should do the same— unless they have given you enough evidence and pain over the course of years that they are not going to put in any effort.
We all want readymade and perfect mates, but we are all different, coming from different backgrounds and upbringing.
Embrace diversity. That’s the beauty of life. Everyone has something to offer.
It doesn’t matter whether they have low EQ, have insecurities or even have a personality disorder. Love is a choice and if they want to, they will reciprocate it to you the way you prefer and enable your growth. While you are patient with them, communicate the difficulty you face while listening to them and they will try their very best to make you comfortable.
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” – Ernest Hemingway
Take note of everything they do (not just say), because you’re not stupid or nice — but virtuous. You are not being a pushover or letting people walk all over you. You are giving them the chance to take time and learn your perspective. In most cases, they turn around, and so will you. It’s mutual. Unfortunately, not always though. It’s just life.
I consider these three rules to be the pillars of a successful relationship and hopefully it will enable you to build your relationship, your character and SEE the person who is with you.
As always, thank you for reading.
