I Wish Mental Illness was a Trend

I live with anxiety and depression. Cool right? The way I’m so aloof and how I look at the floor with an oh so cool melancholy. It’s all so glamorous isn’t it?

The truth is I wish mental illness was a trend. I wish it was just something I could get bored of and chuck away in time for a different trend. The fact of the matter is that I’m stuck with this. I’m stuck with the self doubt, the self-deprecating jokes with a tinge of truth, the constant aching and lethargy. I can’t just throw this away.

Even the smallest tasks feel monumental to me sometimes. Getting out of bed, brushing my teeth and taking a shower. Little things I should and need to be able to do but feel like Mount Everest was dropped in front of me and someone just went “go on then!” Leaving the flat can give me the most insane headache because what will people think of me? Do I look messy? Unkempt? Mentally unwell? Or will people believe me when I say I need help because I’m wearing a nice put-together outfit and my eyeliner is perfectly symmetrical? Do I look the perfect amount of sane and insane?

Then there’s the intrusive thoughts! Oh this is the really glamorous part of anxiety and depression! Isn’t there something almost romantic about me holding back tears when a little voice in the back of my head just goes “what’s the point of this/that/you?” or “he’s hurt, that’s why he’s not replying to you. Shh Shh the fact that its two in the afternoon and he’s at work means nothing!” or “he’s getting bored of you! You’re not good enough for him!” Always in that rhythmic childhood taunt just knocking at the back of my mind. Just appears out of nowhere and any time of the day or night. It doesn’t matter how tired I am or how much I need to concentrate on this one thing I’m doing, or even where I am, that voice is going to be there forcing me to hold in a breakdown. Every damn day.

I wish I could throw this away and make way for this new trend of mindfulness and ‘living your best life’ but I can’t. I need help if I have any hope in even moving in that direction. I wish my mental illness was as dispensable as your “depresso” t-shirt but mental illness is not a trend, no matter how hard I wish it was.