Don’t be so hard on yourself: the lie of judging by performance

It wasn’t that I was ignored.

On the contrary, they gave me a post. A title. A lie. Maybe they thought that would be enough to make me stay. Or I would be satisfied enough to not think about leaving.

It hadn’t occurred to me to leave. Not then. Yes, it was upsetting that people were leaving but it’s only natural to be sad when you have been in ministry with these people for years. After all, after all these years, you’ve become friends.

I believed that God grants the desire of our hearts. And in return when He opens a door, we do what is given to us with the passion that is in us, always with the utmost focus of doing it for His glory.

That was supposed to be enough.

When I left, I told them I needed a complete break from the ministry; that I was going on pointlessly, going through cycles of being too hard on myself and on the people around me. It had nothing to do with what they did or didn’t do. It was time I listened to the prophets and words that said I should be in another ministry.

But as I look back now, that wasn’t the whole truth.

Over and over again, they judged everything I tried to do, telling me that I was being too hard on myself and on those around me. And I believed them. I came to believe that I was the one causing harm; that it would only be harmful for me to be in any ministry.

And that was why I left.

I am disappointed in them. I am disappointed that all they could offer me was that response each time I tried to do something for the ministry. I am disappointed that they didn’t have the means to guide or encourage me in the right direction, as leaders should, instead of just judging me.

And more than anything, I am disappointed because they destroyed my faith in God. How could God give me a passion that was only going to burn up in flames? What was the whole point of being passionate or having the gift to connect with Him when the people of God were just going to stop you every step of the way?

Don’t be so hard on yourself

The other day someone was being disappointed over how things they have worked hard on wasn’t receiving the outcome they wanted. And these words slipped into my mind.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t.

There are moments where hand-in-hand with encouragements, these words do hold some truth. But when they are used too often or at the wrong time, it can be lethal enough to kill a passion.

The truth is I still believe in that lie. I do not know how to move forward and be passionate about things without the fear that no one would encourage me or that I will be crushed once more. Because God’s own people could be the very ones who crush you even when God is holding you in His hand.

Maybe even in that I am being too hard on myself and others.

My years in the ministry do not mean that I’m excellent in it. It only means that the passion for it has stayed on for years. God continued to kindle it when I was hurt. Only this time it has gone so far that I cannot ignore the truth that lies in those words.

As told by Lohera, edited by Anna.

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