What do you hate?
I hate the fact that every month when I PMS, I feel worthless and ugly and unwanted because no one has ever asked me out on a date. Almost two years ago, I lay in bed feeling stupid because I realised that my only wish for my 31st birthday was that someone — anyone — would actually invite me on my first romantic date. No date has materialised.
I grew up Disneyfied during the True Love Waits and I Kissed Dating Goodbye movements. Sure, I’ll wait, because poor Cinderella gets her Prince Charming. True love’s kiss wakes Sleeping Beauty. The helpless maiden is rescued by her knight in shining armour. The grim truth is that not every one of us gets to be the princess. Some of us turn out to be the ugly stepsisters through no fault of our own. We forget that the original fairy tales — most of them collected by the Grimm brothers — do not always have happy endings.
I always imagined that I would grow up, get a job, fall in love, get married, and grow old together with the man of my heart (not my dreams, because I dream of ridiculous things). I left out kids because I’m ambivalent about that. I didn’t think I’d end up reading articles by twenty-something-year-old kids griping about being single and silently judging them, thinking, “you wait five, six, seven, eight more years and then tell me what you feel.”
I hate the way I have internalised the message that who I am is not enough.
Christ has set you free! You are a new creation! You are forgiven! God has a plan for your future! To prosper you! To bless you!
But you are not enough because you are single. You are alone. And you are female.
It sucks to voice this and be told in return “don’t worry, God will bring the right man along” by a 25-year-old who just entered into a relationship.
It sucks to listen to preachers in church who say stupid things like “if you’re still single, you haven’t prayed hard or long enough” — or desired enough because Jesus will grant you all the desires of your heart, yes?
It sucks to look at church bulletins and events and see “Women’s Bible Study, Tuesdays at 11am,” because obviously woman = homemaker = married with kids. Oh, and don’t forget about the “Young Adults Singles Night: come mix and mingle! Meet people from the opposite sex!” because obviously I’m single because I don’t know any men.
I hate the fact that singleness makes me feel inadequate. That I am somehow faulty, somehow broken. Somehow, God doesn’t love me enough to bless me with someone, although He has loved me enough to bless me with everything else.
Inadequacy is a woman alone.
But you know, that single guy over there is perfectly fine because he’s male. So that’s okay. He should take his time and build his career first.
But seriously, you should get married. Why aren’t you dating anyone? Just choose anyone lah. Don’t need to be so picky.
But you know, you need to marry the right guy. The man God has for you. Wait and trust in God.
But aren’t you lonely?
But what I hate the most is the hypocrisy that surrounds womanhood, singleness, and the church. Where they preach that “there is no more condemnation in Christ Jesus” and then condemn you because you are single and female, therefore there must be something wrong with you.
Note: I first drafted this during a workshop on writing personal monologues conducted by PWDC in 2015. Other than flow and structure, only minor edits have been made to update it to the current year. Whilst most of the sentiments hold true, I find that I’ve mellowed somewhat in my reactions. Or maybe I’m just not PMS-ing now.
