The Time the Universe Tricked Me Into Getting What I Wanted

Rachel Khona
Big Boobs and Big Dreams
4 min readJan 15


This pic has nothing to do with the story, but I like it.

“I’m sorry, who are you?” my new boss asked me as I stepped into the office, an uncharacteristic 10 minutes early.

OMG, I thought to myself. He totally forgot that he hired me two weeks ago. I literally packed up my entire life from L.A. to move to NYC for what now is possibly a non-existent job. That can’t be! Can I sue him for this?

“Um, you hired me. I’m Rachel, your new agent.”

“Oh!” he exclaimed with a look of surprise. “I thought you were Eva Longoria. I was wondering why she would be here.”

WHAT. I was flattered by the comparison, obvs, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t already met me. Besides, shouldn’t your first reaction upon seeing Eva Longoria, be, “OMG, it’s Gabrielle Solis”?

I should have known Jason wouldn’t be the traditional boss when he asked me what my horoscope sign was at the job interview. I’m a Capricorn, in case you’re wondering. You would think a hard-working Capricorn would put a tingle in any boss’s dingle, but he was more concerned with whether I would get along with the predominately Pisces office. Which I resented. Caps can get along with anyone who isn’t a crybaby bitch. I’m looking at you Cancer. I am pretty sure none of his questioning was even remotely legal, but who was I tell to tell a white man he couldn’t do something? He would never believe me. Even if he was a gay one.

At the time, I was beginning to wonder if my move to NYC was ill-fated. Sure Jason finally recognized me, but this was now the second time something had gone awry. Just a few days ago, I had arrived suitcases in hand at my sublet in Jersey City. Or at least I thought it was my sublet.

“Hi Natalia, it’s Rachel I’m here!” Natalia had moved from Italy just six months ago on a lark and was waiting tables at a local Italian restaurant. I was excited by the idea of a foreign roommate, especially one who could potentially cook pasta on a regular basis.

“Yes, come upstairs,” she texted back.

Knocking on the door nervously, I hoped I would get along with my new roomie. I had found her on Craigslist, so I had never actually met her.

“Oh! Why do you have all your suitcases with you?” she asked.

My heart dropped. “Because I am moving in?” I asked, fearful of her response.

“Oh no,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I am just showing you the apartment today.”

FUCK ME. I knew her English wasn’t great, but what got lost in translation?How on earth did she think she was just showing the apartment and I think I was moving in? I knew had an email confirming that I was moving in. I had to start work in 2 days, and as it turns out, I now had no place to live. Ah, to be young and dumb and get a sublet off Craigslist.

Never have I felt so embarrassed. My parents told me I was a dipshit my entire life, and this certainly seemed to cement it. I wanted to scream, but there was no use in arguing with her or suggesting she use Google translate for her emails. Even if she agreed to let me stay, I was so aggravated I wouldn’t have wanted to stay at that point.

Luckily my friend was able to let me crash at his place in Brooklyn. I spent evenings pouring through Craigslist trying to find a suitable apartment that wouldn’t break the budget. The whole reason I wanted a sublet in the first place, was so I would have time to settle in and take my time as I looked for the right apartment and neighborhood. But due to my current unfortunate circumstances, I would now have to look for an apartment ASAP. After two weeks of looking, I was starting to feel desperate. I couldn't stay on my friend’s couch forever. Not only was his apartment the size of a toenail, but he also had a live-in girlfriend and a roommate.

There happened to be a building across the street from my friend’s apartment with open vacancies. I hadn’t originally wanted to stay in Prospect Heights, but as I was running out of options decided to check it out. As it turns out, not only was it newly renovated, it was rent-controlled! How could I have been so oblivious to what was literally right in front of me? Hellen Heller could have seen this was a great deal and she’s blind and dead. Here I was, running all over town when I was literally staying across from a rent-controlled building with huge units, high ceilings, and walking distance to Prospect Park. It was a New York wet dream. Trying to get into a rent-controlled building in New York was more difficult than trying to get a cab to go to Staten Island. Needless to say, I filled out an application and signed the lease faster than my deadbeat brother-in-law runs away from potential jobs.

I had thought the Universe was fucking with me when really it was orchestrating shit on my behalf like an invisible fairy grandmother. Just goes to show you that not everything that looks like poo is actually shit.



Rachel Khona
Big Boobs and Big Dreams

Humor Writer @ Playboy, Allure, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Cosmo, WashPo. Follow IG: @rachelkhona