What Your Favorite Beard Says About You

Because you were dying to know

Photo by Fayiz Musthafa on Unsplash

Unless you’ve been living at the bottom of the sea (and if you have been please tell me how you did it without oxygen), then chances are you know beards are hotter than a bowl full of Red Hots. Clean-shaven may have been trending for a while, but #beards are back like #bigbooty and #badbitches. However, beards are more than fuzzy face-warmers or lumbersexual status-symbols. This collection of facial hair is not just a bunch of dead skin cells conveniently placed around the mouth and cheeks. Beards have a life and personality of their own. Like a handbag or a pair of shoes. Would you ever mix up your Adidas with your Manolos? Or confuse your YSL for your Balenciaga? Me thinks not. On that note, let’s delve into what your favorite man beard says about you.

1. Scruffy McScruff

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You are a sexy mofo. Unfortunately, you probably know it. Scruffy is up on the latest trends and knows the best way to conceal his weak chin is with a light layer of stubble. It might scratch the hell out of your face after a little make-out sesh, but so what? His look is what really matters. Mamacitas who fancy a 5 o’clock shadow are equally as trendy. The two of you enjoy reading fashion magazines (GQ for him and Elle for you) and getting pedicures together. Could anything be more romantic? No way Jose.

2. Balls Out Mountain Man Beard

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I’m talking about a full-on totes long-haired neared. The kind you can make a ponytail with. At times it seems a little feral and other times somewhat intimidating. Sure these men may look like an Appalachian escapee but so what? They do not give an f — — — uh. They’re outdoorsy, wild, and rebellious, (unless the guy sporting is Amish, in which case not so much). Ladies who like these guys are a little wild and free themselves. You don’t mind getting a little dirty every now and then, but no matter what happens you always stand by your man.

3. A Groomed Beard

“Hello, I have a lot of testosterone!” Yes, beard we know. This is the Alpha Dog of beards. The epitome of manhood. And these days often accompanied by flannel and sported by a subset of beard-wearing man, the lumbersexual. Either way, this man is smooth like butta. If this kind of beard is your jam, you prefer an old-fashioned masculine guy. You like your dude fixing cars and drinking and whiskey. A girly-girl at heart, you expect to be treated like the queen bee. No scrubs over here. But you’re no needy Nellie. You’re an independent woman and can hold your own next to Mr. Alpha Male, thank you very much.

4. Goatee

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This guy did not receive the memo that the nineties are over, poor thing. He still dreams fondly of his beeper/razor phone, 90210, and Boys 2 Men. This look is worn out like a cheap prostitute. But it’s not all bad news. Chances are if you like this guy, you’re likely fond of the nineties as well. Besides you like someone who is steady and stable, like yourself. And that’s what goatee man is. After all, he’s been committed to his facial hair for 20 years so he’ll undoubtedly be committed to you. So whatever! Screw what I think! Live together in your own little goatee world.

Article originally appeared on Bustle.

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Rachel Khona

Sex Humor Wellness Writer @ Playboy, Allure, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Cosmo, WashPo. Follow IG: @rachelkhona