HUGE Interview with The Donald.

For our new publication, we are pleased to bring to you an exclusive interview with President DT of the US of A.

Apart from being a real estate developer and a prominent reality TV star, President Donald had done nothing of consequence until he miraculously rode a wave of white nationalism to become the 45th President of the US of A. And now, he’s busy making it great again.

We asked him a few questions about how he was going about the task and the effect it was having on his family and on world politics in general. We also sneaked in a few questions on how he perceived India and what he thinks is his role in the new post-real world.

We sent our questionnaire to donald@gmail.com , donald.trump@gmail.com, thedonald@gmail.com, and also to Instagram handle pussy_grabber via text message. The questionnaire has been specially developed by our HugeFishMag team of writers with a proprietary predictive algorithm to analyze the Donald’s answers, resolve his doubts, and then ask relevant follow-up questions. Donald replied within an hour and the conversation sounds so much like him that we decided not to bother with verification or any of that gross shit.

We explained the workings of the predictive algorithm based questionnaire to the President in a separate e-mail sent to all 3 e-mail accounts. We are publishing the transcript of the entire conversation the alleged President Donald had with our chat bot below.

Q: President Donald, Thank you for speaking to Huge Fish Mag. We are an alt-humor magazine based out of India and we are delighted that you have decided to devote an hour of your time, in the midst of a hurricane, no less, to answering some questions for our devoted prospective readers. This is Huge.

A: I just know this is going to be Huge. I just love that word. HUGE. Everything in life should be Huge. Massive. Gigantic. Those are the best words. I truly have the best words.

Q: Err…Yes Sir, It is truly a Huge honor for us to get some exclusive time with you, the President of the USA. Some would say it would be almost impossible for a theoretical magazine like ours to interview someone of your stature.

A: Nothing is beneath me. I love all alt-things. Can’t be worse than Breitbart now, can it?

Q: Sir, you do understand that this is a questionnaire designed with a predictive algorithm to answer any questions that you may have for us. Don’t you?

A: Understood. Apart from the algorithm bit. I am a business major, you see.

Q: But my follow-up questions may become unpredictable and unconnected from the narrative if your answers are too divergent.

A: Understood most of that. But can you be more casual in your questioning. You can call me Donald.

Q: Great then Donald, let’s stop asking rhetorical questions and dive straight in. How’s making America Great Again going for you?

A: Oh! It’s going to be Huge. America is going to be so Great. Four years from now, you’re going to come to me and say,” OMG Donald! We always knew it was going to be big, but we never expected it to be this HUGE.” You wait for it.

Q: But it’s been almost 8 months since you’ve been President. Surely, you must have something intelligible to add without using platitudes like Great and Huge.?

A: Great and Huge are not platitudes. Firstly, I don’t understand how a questionnaire is proving to be this hard. Can’t I just answer the tough questions with N/A? Secondly, I don’t understand what platitudes are.

Q: Yes, you can answer up to 5 questions with N/A beyond which we will have to switch to a sub optimal IQ level for my AI. This is a questionnaire designed in a predictive manner to account for your stupidity. Secondly, Platitudes are remarks or statements, especially ones with a moral content, that have been used too often to still be interesting or thoughtful.

A: N/A

Q: Moving on, what do you think you bring to the table when it comes to making America Great again?

A: It’s all about my brand, you know. Like, the brand is everything. The Donald’s brand today stands for unreserved opulence, bigotry and sexual deviance. These are values that are deeply prevalent in American culture today. And in order to make America great, these values must also become great again. I am the dark side. I am Darth Vader.

Q: Wow, that’s the most sense you’ve made. What do you say to people who call you an orange faced clown?

A: I am Darth Vader.

Q: That’s actually quite an admission. Many have alleged Steve Bannon was the real Darth Vader in the White House?

A: Steve was dark. So Dark. Very Dark. But he was nowhere near as dark as me. I am the dark lord. He’s like Obi-Wan Kenobi or something.

Q: Which characters from Star Wars most resemble your family?

A: N/A

Q: I must remind you that there’s a 5 N/A limit beyond which I will be forced to ask the same questions over again. Is that Understood?

A: Understood

Q: Great, Donald. Now tell me, did you or anyone in your family collude with the Russians?

A: I haven’t seen Star Wars.

Q: What? Why did you claim to have seen it then? And why are you answering a question about Russian Collusion with that?

A: I have seen Game of Thrones.

Q: Ok Donald. Let’s leave the Russia questions for later. Who do you think resembles which Game of Thrones character in your family?

A: What I like about Game of Thrones is that it’s about family, you know. Like the powerful families fight amongst themselves to be the most powerful, which is really what a democracy like ours is all about. And I am King. So I am whoever is King, And my family is the most powerful, OK. Like I am a Lannister. OK. So I am like Tywin Lannister if he was King, which he totally was by the way, let me tell you.

Q. Great, so you are Tywin Lannister if he was king?

A: Actually, no. I am Jaime. I am totally Jaime. We have the same hair.

Q: So, you are Jaime Lannister and Melania is Cersei?

A: Yes. She is so beautiful.

Q: So your real life wife is really like your in-show twin sister with whom you had an incestuous relationship to produce 3 children out of wedlock whilst she was still married to another man, whom you were sworn to protect?

A: Woah! Spoiler Alert, weirdo. Jaime and Cersei are twins. Wow!

Q: Sounds messed up. Let’s move on from this. Who do you think is Ivanka?

A: Ivanka is my daughter who is going to rule after me. So she must be that dragon girl.

Q: Daenerys Targaryen?

A: Yes.

Q: But she is the daughter of the mad king. Are you the mad king?

A: I am all kings.

Q: Don’t you think it’s a little narcissist to believe that you are all Kings?

A: I am the song of Ice, Gold and Fire.

Q: What about the King in the North?

A: KING IN DA NORF

Q: Are you also the King in the North?

A: I am KING IN DA NORF

Q: So you think you resemble the character who just had sex with the character you said your daughter most resembles on the show?

A: Oh, yes. Big reveal, right? I love that episode. So Good. I mean, so good. But they don’t know they’re related, right? If I didn’t know Ivanka was my daughter and she came riding a dragon and helped me out while I was stuck in Alaska or something, I would totally bang her.

Q: You would have sex with your daughter?

A: If she had a dragon, sure. And if I ever went to Alaska.

Q: And what about your wife?

A: She doesn’t need a dragon. Also, Steve Bannon is totally like Varys, that gross eunuch person. Coz he doesn’t have any balls.

Q: What about Mitch McConnell?

A: Never heard of him.

Q: He’s the head of your party in congress, I think

A: Oh, Turtle Head. He’s like that fat nerdy guy who’s always studying but is always late to everything. He hates women too. And sick people. He totally hates sick people.

Q: Samwell Tarly?

A: I don’t know any side kicks’ names.

Q: What about Vladimir Putin? Which character is he like?

A: Actually, Putin should be KING IN DA NORF, shouldn’t he? He likes riding horses and all that.

Q: There is an argument to be made that he truly is Lord Commander of the Wall.

A: It’s going to be a great wall. Huge. So Huge.

Q: Did your children collude with Russia in the lead up to the election?

A: N/A

Q: Donald, do you know what collusion is?

A: Of course. It’s when two cars come together and go bing bing bong bong bing.

Q: No, Donald. That is a collision you are describing, I think. Collusion means an illegal conspiracy hatched for the purpose of deception.

A: Bing Bing Bong Bong.

Q: Alright, let’s stay away from the Russia stuff. Let’s move on to India, where HUGE is based and has millions of prospective readers. What are your views on Narendra Modi?

A: Namastey readers! I love all of you. Modi is so good. The Best, you know. Just the best. Like all Indians actually. You know they love me in India. They love him too. But they love me almost as much as they love him, maybe even a little more. You know they named a village after me?

Q: Yes Donald. It’s a small village in Haryana. Would you like to visit Haryana?

A: I would love to visit but villages are gross. Like the White House, you know. It’s just not how men should live. In fact, we are building this beautiful tower in Mumbai. 76 stories, super premium everything. Everyone in India should move there.

Q: There are 1.3 billion Indians, Donald?

A: We can always build more towers. I have the best builders, believe me.

Q: Any thoughts on the Kashmir issue?

A: It’s just like the Israel and Palestine thing, isn’t it? I think it can be solved if you know, Jared works on it.

Q: So, Is Jared now in charge of conflicts in South Asia as well as the Middle East?

A: Yes, of course. Jared is in charge of all Arab conflicts.

Q: India is not an Arab country, Donald.

A: Yeah, but you guys all look the same. Apart from your poor people I think, they look like Africans.

Q: I sense racism. What do Africans look like?

A: Poor Indian People.

Q: What are your views on the Chinese?

A: I love saying China. CHIIIIINA. They are very important in the world today. HUGELY important, even. So important. Great cake.

Q: What cake?

A: North Korea

Q: What about North Korea?

A: Terrific Korea. The Best Korea. Great weapons.

Q: But you said recently that they would be met with “Fire and Fury” if they continued their aggression?

A: Oh! That’s just some friendly posturing between Kim and I. He’s a good kid. Great kid. Just like his father. Great father.

Q: Alright, Donald. Let’s now focus on the important question: What are your views on Muslims?

A: I think they are terrific people. Just the handsomest and the best beards. Great Beards.

Q: Wait, so you don’t hate muslims?

A: No, of course not. I have a muslim friend.

Q: Who?

A: Barack is a friend. Also, Saddam was a friend. O.J? Is he black or is he muslim? Well, either…or.

Q: Alright, next question: Are you mentally deranged?

A: N/A

Q: I must remind you that is the last N/A permissible and all further questions must now be answered in earnest. Do you copy, Donald?

A: Yes, Boss

Q: What are your views on white supremacists?

A: I think they’re terrific people. And great hats. The best hats.

Q: Black Lives Matter?

A: Terrific people. Great Colour. Just the best color. So Great.

Q: What do you say to yourself in the mirror each morning?

A: You’ve got this, Donald. You have the best hair. Great Hair.

Q: Anything else?

A: Nice ass too. Great ass. The best ass.

Q: Are you an ass man or a tit person, Donald?

A: I am an asshole. So that makes me a dick person or a shit person depending on which way you swing. It’s the only thing that I knew I would surely be when I grew up, an asshole. Everyone knew it.

Q: How do you live with yourself?

A: I don’t. I live with Melania. She’s a beauty, isn’t she? So Beautiful. The only me time I get is when I am on the toilet seat. Great seat. So much Gold.

Q: Is that when you tweet?

A: Of course. I work only when I shit. Other times, I delegate. Apart from interviews, you know. Which is why I like this interview coz’ I can take a shit and give an interview at the same time.

Q: So you’ve been taking a shit all this while?

A: Best place to hide from the hurricane. Wonder why those folks in Florida don’t just go take a shit while the hurricane passes them over. Screw them! They’re probably too old to take a shit anyway. Great hurricane by the way. Just the best. And great KFC too.

Q: I don’t think I should keep you here any longer, Donald. The country does seem to need you?

A: Ah! They’ll figure it out. They always do. Nothing an old lard arse like me can do to help. I am here to rule, not to mule as they say.

Q: Nobody says that.

A; Well, I say that.

Q: Thank you, Donald. This interview is going to be HUGE.

A: I AM A RULER, NOT A …What rhymes with Ruler?

Q: Drooler?

A: But I do drool at my KFC. I got it. I AM A RULER, NOT A COOLER.

Q: You got to be cool before you get cooler, so yes, you definitely aren’t a cooler.

A: N/A

Q: Fuck you, Donald.

Spoiler alert: This is probably fake news.