Five Reasons Tee Ball is Greatest Sport on Earth

My son started tee ball this year and on Saturday he played his fourth game. Though I’ve played sports my entire life and watched them even longer it’s taken me nary three weeks to realize that tee ball is the greatest sport on Earth. Don’t believe me? Here’s why:

Expect Anything

Tee ball is like reality TV. Anything can happen at any time. I’m going to list four things and you tell me which of these didn’t actually happen during a game.

1. Two dads got into an argument and the cops had to be called. 2. One kid got mad and told his mom to “fuck off.” 3. A coach for the other team got hit in the balls with a bat when the kid batting accidentally let go of it during a swing. 4. Some asshole driving a Suburban couldn’t find a parking spot so they parked their vehicle in left field.

Ok, which of those happened and which didn’t? Give up? Well, it’s a trick question. None of that actually happened but tee ball is so crazy that it wouldn’t surprise me at all if any of those happened during his next game. I feel like I’m watching The Real World when I’m out there at a game. Crying, fighting, swearing, altercations…all of it happens. The only thing missing is binge drinking.

Fighting

If you were one of the unfortunate ones who dropped $100 on the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight, I’ve got some advice to you. Screw “real” boxing. Go to a tee ball game. There are more punches thrown on the field during three innings of tee ball than in 12 rounds of boxing. One kid hits a ground ball to the infield and suddenly five infielders are all diving for it and punching and kicking each other until someone comes up with it. It’s like recovering a fumble in football. These kids are real chippy, too. I was coaching first base and the base runner just turned around for no reason and knocked the hat off the other. Next thing you know there’s retaliation. Here’s some video of his last game I shot with my phone.

Runs, Runs, Runs!

While I enjoy a good pitcher’s duel, many casual baseball fans feel like a game with little scoring is boring. Soccer works the same way, though there are no “casual” soccer fans because soccer is dumb. But if you hate a low scoring game, well, tee ball is your sport, then. There are no outs. Every kid bats in an inning and regardless of where they hit it they get to go to the base. Quick math tells me, then, that however many kids you have on your team is how many runs you’ll score. I think my son has like 10 kids on his team. That’s 30 runs a game! It’s basically a JV girl’s basketball game.

The Tee

I’ve been lying to you for the first few hundred words. My son doesn’t actually play tee ball. He plays “coach pitch.” And in coach pitch the coach pitches you six pitches and if you can’t hit it, then you get to hit off a tee. This concept alone makes tee ball the greatest sport every invented. If at first you don’t succeed, we’ll keep making it easier for you until you do!

Think about how much cooler it would be if other sports followed suit. Did that birdie putt on number 7 just lip out on you? Don’t worry, we’ve made the hole bigger on number 8. Those 3-pointers not falling? Move in 15 feet and we’ll still give you the three points. Can’t score a goal in soccer? Don’t worry, we’ll make the net bigger.

Wait. They already have a giant net in soccer? Why the hell can’t they score any damn goals then!?!

Ice Cream

So let me get this straight: Everyone bats, no one gets out, everyone scores even though no score is kept and there are no winners and losers. And after all of this….everyone goes out for ice cream. Who doesn’t love ice cream? That’s not a rhetorical question. That’s a genuine inquiry because I don’t think it has an answer. Most people reading this probably wish work was like tee ball.

“Well everyone, we didn’t accomplish anything at all today. Let’s get ice cream!”

Genius.

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