Fried to a crisp

It was about a billion degrees across much of the country today and that got me thinking about a recent altercation I had between me and the sun.

What was supposed to be a nice relaxing afternoon in the pool ended up becoming a touch painful as I forgot to apply sunscreen to my front half. This was especially frustrating for me given I applied appropriate amounts of SPF everywhere else and yet somehow forgot my chest and stomach.

Forgetting sunscreen is a terrible idea for a ginger like me who has spent the last 33 years learning the sun is to gingers what it is to vampires, owls, and popsicles: a natural enemy. If I so much as open a window without sunscreen you can bet I’ll be peeling layers of dead skin off my body like it was a banana.

That’s why it was such a surprise when I jumped into the pool with an exposed midsection. And even though we were in the pool for only two hours, I felt like I got four hours worth of sun. I honestly feel like if you put sunscreen all over your body and leave off one part, somehow all of the sunburn the other parts of your body isn’t getting will transfer to the exposed part. Sort of like a big, pasty-white funnel directing all the sun to my chest.

And man-oh-man did I get fried. The sun was magnified 10,000% off the glare of the water and soon my gut was as red as an apple. This, of course, is quite ironic considering there would have been a lot less gut to burn had I consumed more apples.

Funnier yet was the fact that one strip of my torso right around my sternum remained perfectly white. My wife even asked me why I would put sunscreen on that area and not others and that’s when I embarrassingly had to admit it was actually my man boobs that shielded that area from sunlight. That’s right. There’s no better way to protect from Vitamin D than having a nice set of B-cups.

I tried to play this to my advantage and point out to my wife that my legs weren’t burnt at all either, which meant something gigantic around my waist must have been blocking out the sun, too.

Unfortunately, my wife and I were not on the same page regarding what I was referring to when she replied with:

“You mean your gut?”

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