The Trouble with Hot Girls at the Gym

The other day I was gettin’ my swole on and something incredibly uncomfortable happened that I want to tell you about: A hot girl at the gym started working out next to me.

But let’s back up for a second. A gym is a space bursting with testosterone, with a bunch of weight bouncing around to a series of grunts and groans… and that’s just me on the treadmill.

But inside that gym, ultimately, is a group of people working out for the same reason: to get some action. From the 20-year-old bro in the sweatshirt carrying around the gallon jug of water (yes, you’re thirsty and you drink a lot of water, we get that) to the 80-year-old woman in the BluBlockers and the purple jogging pants- we all have the same goal in mind.

To attract the opposite sex.

Me, I work out so that my wife doesn’t have to make passive aggressive remarks like, “Those new pants are a 38? I thought you wore a 36. Didn’t you wear a 36 when we got married? I thought you wore a 36.” Do I think working out keeps her attracted to me? Of course not. I know that ship sailed a long time ago. But working out does increase my chances of finding her replacement.

Just kidding, honey. I love you.

So anyways, like I said, I was at the gym the other day and this smoking hot girl started working out right next to me. The gym was relatively empty, so it’s not like there was a lack of real estate. But for some reason this blond-haired size 3 girl in a size 0 tank top walks over to the bench right next to me. I would describe her yellow shorts as skin tight but I think they were actually tighter than that. I think she might have just had yellow skin. Like a sexy Big Bird.

Of all the gym joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine

Source: Bodybuilding.com

Now there was a time in my life where I might have thought that this was her way of trying to put the moves on me. You know, she’s thinking maybe I’ll go over here next to this stud and start doing some lunges and he’ll be all like, “Hey there girl, what’s your name?”

But that ship has also sailed.

Now when a smoking hot girl like that comes and works out next to me, I know what she has in mind:

She’s just trying to dick with me.

Why else would she decide that the bench right next to me was the bench she needed for her workout? It’s obvious she’s just trying to get into my head. Let’s mess with the short, chubby, red-bearded dude over there in the 2XL t-shirt and see what kind of damage we can do. You know those guys that wear their shirts in the pool? I wear my shirt in the shower. Clearly she’s not trying to hit on me.

And yet here we are side-by-side. Most dudes reading this, how would you describe this situation? A dream come true? Fate?

I describe it as “awkward as hell.”

Cause here I am soaked in sweat and smelling like a damp yak and this blonde goddess is next to me doing shit straight out of the Kama Sutra. Seriously, what kinds of workouts are these? You’re gonna bring you leg all the way up to your head? For what? To work your hamstring?

I feel like this is the type of exercise you should only do behind closed doors.

Source: Benchprincess.com

Meanwhile, I’m doing everything in my power not to stare.

“Just look ahead,” I keep telling myself. “Just look ahead.”

This, of course, works only when there isn’t a giant mirror in front of you. So I’m trying to do shoulder shrugs and I can see her in the mirror out of the corner of my eye doing the “Basic Instinct” workout only you can’t see anything because those damn Big Bird shorts are so tight nothing is escaping.

I mean seriously tight. I was concerned for her health. I think her legs started turning purple.

For a minute or two I tried to do the “solar eclipse” where I look but only for a split second so I don’t go blind. But that only works if you don’t stack those split seconds on top of each other like cord wood. I looked over there and back so much that she probably thought I had some sort of tic.

And I know what you’re thinking. Is this gonna be one of those funny “boner” stories? Absolutely not. I was too terrified for that. My Olympic barbell was tucked up like a furry little Chinchilla. I think her bulge was bigger than mine.

Again, the shorts.

So to combat this awkwardness, I decided to fight fire with fire. Ok, if you’re gonna stand next to me and workout all sexy, I’m gonna do the same. Here, take some sexy bicep curls.

Note: A bicep curl is not sexy when done with a 15 pound dumbbell.

Then I decided I’d try to drop some sexy lunges on her. That only works if on the first lunge you don’t suddenly feel like you’re going to fart and you tip over while trying to hold it in.

Good news, though. I didn’t fart.

Finally, I thought I’d try to distract her with some leg raises. I laid out on the bench, brought my legs together, and raised them towards the ceiling. I knocked out a couple reps and then remembered that the shorts I was wearing had a small tear in the crotch. Immediately I drop my legs back down, afraid she’d look over into the hole and it’d be like staring into a kangaroo’s pouch and seeing a little hairless Joey.

Thankfully, she didn’t notice the hole in my shorts. Dejected, I tossed my hands into the air and headed off. As I walked away, a little old man – probably 75 years old – comes trotting over…

…and then immediately walks right to that bench next to her and sits down. He was a little far away, but as I walked out I could have swore I saw this great big shit-eating grin on his face.

Good for you, old-timer. Good for you.

Editor’s note: This piece originally appeared on the Web site The 1st Class Lifestyle. Click here to take a look.

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