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Why my wife hates “panties”

No doubt you just read this headline and are thinking this blog post is going to go in a certain direction. Well, time to get your head out of the gutter you pervert. This is a family blog.

When I say my wife hates panties I’m actually talking about the word.

“Panties.”

It disgusts her. I don’t quite understand it myself, but I can tell you it makes her skin crawl. Around here, we call it the P-word even though there are like four other P-words that are probably worse than that one.

Knowing she hates it, I try to use it as much as possible, though.

“Honey, I’m folding the laundry! Can you remind me what drawer your panties go in? I can never remember where you keep your panties. You’d think after being married for eight years I’d know what drawer the panties drawer is. Panties. Panties. Panties.”

From her perspective, she says it’s impossible to use the word without sounding like a pervert who drives a white van, keeps a handful of Jolly Ranchers in the cup holder, and sports a questionable mustache.

Me? I just see it as another word. Like “skateboard” or “chrysalis.”

I’ve come to learn over the years, however, that the vast majority of women actually detest the word. Seriously, try walking up to a woman and saying, “Underwear.” She’ll look at you weird.

Now walk up to one and say ‘panties.” See what I mean? Creepy as shit.

I can’t think of a single word that elicits the same reaction from men. The only one remotely close for me is “exercise.” I’m shuddering as we speak.

But there are all kinds of words my wife hates in addition to the P-word. One of the other bad ones is “moist.” Again, I find it hard to believe that a word that can be so desirable when it comes to cakes can be so detestable when it comes to anything else. Especially if you pair it with that other word.

I’m not gonna make that joke, though. Like I said, this is a family blog.

You pervert.

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