7 Things to Do When Perfectionism Is Holding You Back
Tips I wish I’d known about earlier
“Have no fear of perfection — you’ll never reach it.” Salvador Dali
According to psychologists Hewitt and Flett in Corsini Encyclopedia of Psychology, “perfectionism is a broad and multifaceted personality construct that involves the requirement of perfection or the appearance of perfection for the self or others”.
Perfectionism is something I have been struggling with ever since I can remember. It wasn’t until a while ago when I realized it was actually not only holding me back but also setting me up for failure whenever I was starting something new. From focusing on the smallest details to procrastination and missed opportunities. The core belief was me not being ‘perfectly ready’ yet. It started happening when I decided I wanted to start my practice as a counselor. ‘Perhaps I should do one more course’, or ‘perhaps I need to get older and more experienced’ or the usual ‘I don’t feel ready yet, I’ll wait a while longer’ were all just limiting beliefs stemming from the need for everything being perfect before I could start. When I started doing some inner work, I realized I was holding myself back. And that needed to change otherwise I was facing a life full of sorrow and resentment. Mainly towards myself.
Therefore, I would love to share with you in this article some of the things that helped me on my journey.
How to know you are a perfectionist?
- Do you check an email/text message at least a few times before hitting send?
2. Do you start many things at once but are unable to follow through with most of them?
3. Are you procrastinating about something you know you would enjoy doing because you are afraid of failure and/or critique?
4. Did you have an authoritative figure in your childhood who persistently told you that your work wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t perfect?
5. Do you set unrealistic standards for yourself and others?
If you have answered yes to at least three of these questions, then you might be a perfectionist.
It all stems from the belief that you are not good enough. Unless you are perfect. Most of us might have internalized a voice from our childhood that has, in time, become our inner critique.
A wonderful new idea sprouts in your mind, you gain momentum and go on to implementing it. But then something happens on the way, and you stop. What happened? Where did all that enthusiasm go? Actually, it’s still there, on the back burner. You allowed something else to take its place. It’s called self-doubt. Which leads to self-sabotage. Which leads to inaction, which ultimately goes back to low self-esteem. It’s a vicious cycle. More often than ever, the root of all this is perfectionism. That nagging voice that tells you you might as well give up because it’s not going to be perfect anyway. Therefore not even worth putting your time and effort into it.
Don’t worry, as a fellow perfectionist in recovery, I am here to tell you that things can change for you, too.
1. Identify something you’d really like to do and stick with it
”One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.”
— Tony Robbins
It’s best to focus on something and follow through with it. Getting involved in several projects at the same time is not only going to be energy-draining, but you will feel very pressured as well. It will lead to you procrastinating and perhaps even quitting everything. Don’t let your inner voice talk you out of doing something you truly feel passionate about. Allow your potential to manifest in physical form as well.
2. Take others off the pedestal
”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
If you continue to compare your beginner work to someone who has put many more years into it, you might not be able to get anything going for yourself. Just because you admire someone and you hold them in high regard, it doesn’t mean they are perfect or that they have done everything flawlessly. Or that their success happened overnight. You have your own path and doing things your way is the best way to get where you want to be. You do have something to offer and while it’s good to have a mentor or someone we look up to for inspiration, it doesn’t mean we have to feel inferior to them.
3. Be ok with making mistakes
“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.”
― Steve Maraboli
You don’t have to check ten times to make sure every little detail is perfect, otherwise, something terrible will happen. It’s fine to double-check something but next time you catch yourself doing more than twice, take a deep breath. And stop. The same goes for your behavior. Studies have shown that people who make mistakes are more likable than those who appear perfect. The phenomenon called The Pratfall Effect was first described by social psychologist Elliot Aronson in 1966. She performed a coffee-spill test where participants were asked to listen to recordings of a quiz show. In some of them, the hosts were acting flawlessly, whilst in others, they were ‘accidentally’ spilling some coffee. When participants were asked to rate the different hosts by likability, the coffee-spilling hosts’ ranked much higher than that of the control group who performed perfectly.
4. Embrace those parts of you that are not so perfect
And by that, I mean, all parts.
“Our imperfections make us unique and also BEAUTIFUL. Some beautiful things are more impressive when left imperfect than when too highly finished.”
— Angie Karan.
Embracing who you are, with our good and not so good parts. Sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. Self-acceptance is a vital aspect that is defined as an individual’s acceptance of all of his/her attributes, positive or negative. personality, according to Harvard Health Blog. I know it’s easier said than done, but truth is that it all starts with self-acceptance.
5. Don’t take life so seriously!
I admit this one is a tough one for me as well. As a perfectionist, you tend to take everything very seriously, even the smallest detail.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff.”
— Richard Carlson.
You tend to exaggerate and to blow things out of proportion when in fact most of the things won’t even matter in a few years, perhaps even months. Relax, take a deep breath and try to enjoy yourself more. Have some fun, do some things you like. By doing this, you’ll distance yourself from the matter at hand and see it with a fresh pair of eyes when you come back to it.
6. Embrace critique
Don’t be afraid of criticism. Not everyone will like you, and that’s fine. Usually, perfectionists are quite sensitive to other’s opinions. It can be tough. But, in reality, you are the one giving people the power to judge you or your work.
”Everyone has an opinion but elevating someone else’s opinion to the status of being a judge is really silly. After all, someone else can’t really judge you unless you confer upon him or her the power of being a judge.” — Mel Schwartz
Most of the time, these opinions don’t even have a proper foundation. You have to learn to be discerning. Keep constructive criticism and leave the rest out. It’s going to be difficult at first, I know, but the more you put yourself out there, the more you’ll exercise your resilience muscle. It will get easier with time.
7. Find the root
Where does the belief that you or anything you do has to be perfect come from? Take a look at your childhood, it most likely has its origin there. Perhaps a caregiver or someone in your circle was constantly telling you you’re not doing it right. Or that you were going to mess up things anyway, why bother to carry on a task. If you can trace it back to a moment in your childhood, it will become easier to heal it.
“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”
― Nicholas Sparks
Final thoughts
Shifting our beliefs about perfectionism can significantly improve our life quality. The first step is to become aware of whether perfectionism is standing in the way of you achieving your goals. If the answer is yes, then congrats! You have made the first step to breaking the pattern.
Try some of the tips above. As often as you can. Decrease the pressure you feel of being perfect or doing things perfectly. Allow yourself to make mistakes and dare to be seen and heard. Welcome the opportunities coming our way, and live a more joyful and burden-free life.
