Nov 21, 2020
10 Brilliant Ideas to Rebrand America
A ‘Build Back Better’ blueprint
Fast Company recently asked the best ad agency in the world to rebrand America. It was a purely speculative assignment with no budgets or practicality attached to it. Ideas were as simple as putting immigrants on dollar bills to as grand as literally sending the Statue of Liberty to the state that accepts the most refugees.
Yooooooooo.
I love this idea. I love this assignment. I love this as a thought experiment. It’s a no-holds-barred, no-kids-in-cages, dream-big, sky’s-the-limit assignment to bring America back, baby!
So, I’m giving it a go. I’m going to pitch my less well thought out ideas — in a different format — to a much easier publication — with a much smaller audience — a week after the original article posted — near a major national holiday. That oughta show that ad agency for refusing to hire me three (maybe four) times now.
Let’s do this.
1. White Reparations
Those who think reverse racism is more of a problem than actual racism are finally going to get what they deserve when we pay them reparations for all the hard work their ancestors didn’t do. These reparations would come in the form of a first-rate education that hasn’t been whitewashed by the Daughters of the Confederacy, free healthcare paid for by those overtaxed godless coastal elites, and green new jobs that don’t give you coal lung or make the planet unlivable for your grandchildren.
In a short generation, these “reparations” would serve to turn flyover states into a more tolerable, less murdery, Get Out-style utopia. It’s like that old saying: “Prejudice to bed and better angels to rise makes a populace healthy, wealthy, and refuse to believe in baseless claims of voter fraud.”
2. Hamilton 2
We commission Lin-Manuel Miranda to write Hamilton 2.
Open on Dr. Fauci: Fed up with bipartisan bickering and bureaucratic incompetence, he develops a miracle drug that can raise the dead and spills it all over the grave of Alexander Hamilton. With great haste, Hamilton immediately gets the founding fathers back together, and this zombie crew saves America from all its troubles. Also, they kill the Queen of England in a tragic misunderstanding.
Featuring songs such as:
- “My COVID Shot”
- “Dear Kim Kardashian”
- “Aaron Burr, Bitch”
- “It’s Racist Uptown”
- “What’d I Miss Now?”
- SCOTUS on Your Side
- Your Voter Suppressed Servant
- Who lives, Who Dies, Who Wears a Mask
- And many more…
Imagine the hype when you see the star silhouette and Hamilton’s shadow holding up a second finger. Chills.
3. SparkNotes for the Constitution
While we’re at it, let’s make the document that every politician pretends to revere comprehensible to non-nerds. If Shakespeare gets a modern-day translation, why not the Bill of Rights?
To make it more palatable, each clause will be released via tweet and read during youtube preroll ads. The kids will finally understand that “We the People” are bae.
4. Anchor Baby Day
Something like 99% of us are immigrants. We came from other countries to e pluribus rock out. And at some point, our ancestors (or us) had a baby. The moment our children were born on American soil was the moment this place became home. It was the moment you were anchored to this land, and all of its beautiful, unfulfilled promises became your privilege and responsibility. That’s worthy of celebrating.
We’ll finally give St. Patrick’s Day the Irish boot and declare Anchor Baby Day a national holiday. Whether it’s your great great grandmother or your one-day-old son, the first person from your lineage born in the U.S. gets lifted up. You share their story, celebrate their journey, give them mad presents, and wear all the green you want fearing no pinchable retribution.
Also, Anchor Baby Day’s never that big of a deal in this America that now gives Black History Month it’s enormous due. We all shut up during February and do whatever Black people ask of us.
5. Black, White & Brown
The American flag is redesigned to reflect the colors of our skin so that we may finally judge each other by the content of our character.
I trust members of the Blue Man Group to speak up if they object to this proposal.
6. Rich Dad, Richer Strong Independent Woman
America loves movies about an unlikely pair that just aren’t supposed to go together. We also love road trip movies. And reality shows.
Let’s make the ultimate road trip, reality show, movie where we force Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey to drive together from New York to Los Angeles.
7. Trial Separation
For one presidential term, we break the union. Just to test it out. No big deal.
The west coast, northeast, and upper midwest will be America 1. Everyone else will be America 2. Except we can share custody of Florida. No one should have to bear that burden un-united.
A few years apart and we’ll be begging to be in each other’s districts. Canada’ll start whispering to its trading partners how great our lakes are. For once, nobody will mess with Texas, and Texas will actually miss it. After a long dry spell of independence, we’ll realize the limitations of self-reliance and all former ills will be forgotten. America will be star spangling together again until dawn’s early light.
You know what I mean. ;) Sensible governmental reforms.
8. Dreams Don’t Pay Rent
The American Dream is ubiquitous, inspiring, and undefinable. It’s become fake inspo fodder we feed to kids and immigrants so that they’ll work hard in school or take a number and wait at the end of a line the size of a shithole country. Instead of promising a good life and delivering entrenched income inequality with a side of mass shootings, let’s make the American Dream an actual tangible good.
Once a month, let’s offer someone in the country the ability to stay in America for the rest of their life — rent-free.
Someone who deserves it. The kind of person who saves a kid from drowning in a pool. Or hosts a bake sale for three-legged puppies.
We could find the money to do this by simply seizing the assets of the Publisher’s Clearing House. They could give their grand prize to people who’ve earned it instead of random hicks over 40.
9. The Red (White & Blue) Planet
Let’s call dibs on Mars. Look, it’s only a matter of time before we terraform that rock. We should boldly declare what no country has declared since JFK and annex that whole damn world.
And if we divert a reasonable fraction of our military budget to NASA, it can happen waaayy sooner than you think. And we’ll still be safe. Especially if we promise to give the ethnic or religious minority that hates us the most a decent portion of the planet. Hey, it worked for the Jewish people with Israel, and we all know anti-Semitism was eradicated in 1948.
10. Congressional Overhaul
If Osama Bin Laden, Hitler, and the United States Congress were in a room, and you only had two bullets, 90% of Americans would shoot Congress. Twice.
Here’s what we need to do to fix Congress:
Age Limits
If you have to be at least 25 years old to be in Congress, you should also have to be under 65 years old.
Salary Cap
Members of Congress should make minimum wage. What? It’s a livable wage, isn’t it? And then we’ll know they’re up on The Hill doing it for the right reasons.
Nominations Only
You shouldn’t decide to run for Congress. Your community should nominate you. And you should only reluctantly accept after the fourth or fifth time a kid in a wheelchair asks why he’s the only boy his age who can’t kick a soccer ball.
Worst One Goes
Every year, we all vote one of the bums out. Everyone in the country can vote for anyone serving in the capital. Stay on your senatorial toes, Mitch.
Get Rid of the Two-Party System
GET RID OF THE TWO-PARTY SYSTEM!!!
Write Laws at a 5th-Grade Reading Level
Enough is enough. No more 5th-grade crime sprees.
Gerrymandering, What the Hell?
Okay, I know this happens at the state level, but seriously, let’s just let Banksy draw our Congressional districts. He’d do it so much better.
Lobbying, What in the Actual Hell?
If I had Osama Bin Laden, the United Congress, and a lobbyist in a room…
There you go, America. Hope you like being saved.
Now I have to go write to an unnamed ad agency. I feel good about my chances this time.
