10 Things I Plan to Do to Become a Better Husband, Father & Human Being
At 47, I’ve still got a lot of work to do
I’m in my late 40s.
One of those clichéd times to take a step back and self-reflect and check in on how I’m doing as a human.
I have to face the facts: I ain’t young anymore and despite my boyish charm and freckled face, I have become a card-carrying adult (literally, I have a wallet full of actual cards) and am all grown up (right, this is my fully grown height). Happy and loving as a husband and father; hard-working and caring as an educator; active and enthusiastic as an athlete, writer, and cook — and, for the most part, sane.
As the years tick by, it becomes harder and harder to change —sort of like cement when it dries into concrete — ‘what you see is what you get,’ as some would say. But, I don’t buy that — I’m always trying to learn, evolve and grow even when the patterns and ruts and pants are comfortable and nice and quite flattering (tip: only wear vertical stripes).
And yet, when I take an honest look at myself (yikes!) there are still so many ways I can improve in my goal to be perfect by the time I’m 50 (or failing that, 52).
Here are 10 things I plan to improve on to be a better husband, father and human being.
#1: “How was your day?” — Quite often someone who cares about me (or is pulling off an Oscar-worthy performance acting like they do) asks me a question like: “How are you?”, “How was your day?” or “How are you feeling?” And, instead of going into a detailed response full of actual emotions that may lead to a good conversation about life, I often take the easy way out and say “good” or “fine” when that is not completely accurate. Not sure why I do that — usually, I’m exhausted and don’t feeling like “going there”, and maybe that’s okay sometimes, but I’d like to start giving honest, detailed responses to questions like these especially when with those who don’t really have a choice but to listen (like my mom, my wife and my kids).
#2: “Remember it’s just a game.” — I’ve been a competitive athlete for most of my life (easily one of the best 1 year old tennis players on my block) and generally I enjoy the competition. However, sometimes I just can’t handle or cope with the trials and tribulations and ups and downs of sport. My teenage tennis racket-throwing days are way behind me and my grumpiness that lasted for days after a loss on the court or field is in the rearview mirror, and generally I am so much better at staying cool and loving the experience. But every once in a while, the ugliness rears its head and my frustrated side shows for all to see. I hate those embarrassing moments where I feel like a little boy again. I have come a long way at managing my emotions when competing, but there is still room for more growth in this area.
#3: “Are you even listening to me?” — I work as a school counsellor and spend all day actively listening. And then, I come home, and am not always as good a listener with my family, the ones I care about the most. Whether I am tired from a long day of hearing other people’s problems and issues and responding empathically or I’m hearing something I’ve heard so many countless times before or I just want to sit by the window, gaze out at the world and sip my cognac in silence (this is an expression: I never sip my cognac*), I’d like to be the same quality listener I am at work, when I am at home.
#4: “How old are you?” — No, I don’t lie about my age. I’m not always a great communicator with my wife. And I am a professional communicator (in that someone pays me to communicate). I know, I should hang my head in shame (maybe I should lie about my age?). In arguments, heated discussions, occasional passive-aggressive moments or those necessary-long-conversation-squeezed-into-a-thirty-second-rushed-exchange-before-driving-to-work I often say or don’t say the right thing and act very young. Why do I do this? I honestly don’t know. I hate arguments and I deteste those moments we aren’t seeing eye to eye (she is so tall, she has to bend or kneel) and I can’t stand when I resort to some sort of babyish response that a man in his late 40s should only employ for humor or in the rare situation if his partner happens to enjoy that sort of thing, which mine does not.
#5: “Stop pushing that button!” — Closely connected to #4. When you spend a lot of time around certain people, you become intimately aware of their triggers, their weaknesses and their buttons and you also become extremely adept at pressing these buttons, repeatedly at times almost like you are fixated with pressing buttons. By most measures, I am a good husband, but even I am imperfect in this area. Sometimes, perplexingly, I knowingly press her buttons, acting or saying things that I subconsciously or consciously (depending on how my sleep was the night before) know will bother her. Why do I do this especially as it has a direct and negative affect on her and, by association, me? I wish I knew. I plan to either cut this out entirely or, if our busy schedule permits, limit it solely to Monday afternoons.
#6: “Alright already!” — I spend a lot of time with my kids (no, I’m not looking to change that — I plan to closely follow them around until they eventually move or enter witness protection) and I always have. I love the close connection I have with them. I help them with their homework, sit with them when they practice piano and coach them in many of the sports that we play. Generally I think I’m pretty patient, am quite good at teaching, supporting and coaching and they mostly enjoy doing these things with me. Having said that — I have been known to repeat myself a lot and occasionally get frustrated and lose my cool saying “helpful” demotivating things like: “is that best you can do?” or “why aren’t you trying?” or “maybe we should just quit then”. I’d love to fully and completely evolve into this even-tempered, positive, motivational father that all other dads look at and mutter about under the breaths how amazing and insufferable I am. I also want to grow wings and fly.
#7: “Do as I say.” — As a counsellor, I believe I am good at giving non-judgmental advice. On a daily basis, I am presented with a wide range of situations occurring in my students’ lives and am able to be neutral and objective and helpful. So often, I hear myself saying (okay, I always hear myself) something that is good advice and I catch myself, thinking, “wait a second, smart guy, you should be listening to your own advice.” I find it is so easy to help others and much harder to use this same advice in my own life. Whether it’s correcting a bad habit or replacing irrational thoughts or making changes that would enable me to be happier or more productive, I don’t always listen to myself. I plan to start.
#8: “Good cop, bad cop.” — No, I’m not referring to some sort of role play fantasy of mine (not that that would be a bad idea). In disciplining our kids, I take on the role of the flexible, lenient, sort of passive parent and my wife, the stereotypical bad cop. And she bemoans the fact that she is always forced to take on that role, while I get to be the fun, nice parent never having to dole out consequences or punishments. Not that things are this black and white all the time (thank you, Freaky Fridays!), but I plan to change this and give my wife a break, despite my natural tendencies to be chill. Step 1: grow a handlebar mustache and buy some aviator glasses.
#9: “Nighty night.” — I am tired so much of the time! Not that it prevents me from using my brain (ha ha, funny guy, yes, I use my brain) or exercising or having the energy to be productive, but I often feel tired enough to take a long nap (and daydream of fluffy bunny rabbits, for some reason). I think I’d be a better husband, father, counsellor and human being if I could somehow get more shuteye. But, since we have such a packed schedule and my kids go to bed later and later and the evenings are so short, it is always much later than I want when I lay down and turn out the lights. Not sure how this is going to happen, but I must find a way to get more sleep.
#10: “Put that thing away!” — I’m not sure where your mind went with that title, but I was referring to my phone (that’s right, sicko, my phone). I wouldn’t call myself addicted, but I check my phone WAY too often — social media notifications, stats on my blog posts, emails, a quick round of an inane game etc etc. And most of it feels like a huge waste of time! I’d love to read more, work on the New York Times crossword, do some personal grooming or actually interact with other humans. I plan to stop looking at my phone as a habit and only when nothing is going on or if absolutely necessary (like if ordered to at gunpoint…hey, it could happen). If I can reign this in, I’ll feel demonstrably happier as I’ve never said “that was an incredible 45 minutes looking at social media!” Just imagine all I will accomplish when I figure how to manage this!
Wish me luck in my pursuit of these 10 things as I aim for perfection!
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*I actually never consume cognac and its inclusion in this piece is used solely to make a point. For those who feel confused and misled, may I suggest some cognac?
