15 Excruciating(ly Funny)Ways to Have Your Heart Broken

(Image/Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash)

“I’m breaking up with you.”

Do I have your attention, guys? Heard those words before?

We all have. The girls or women we liked (or even loved) who we thought returned those feelings, let us know — in the nicest way possible — that they didn’t.

And, I’m sure, that regardless of how caring she was and how easy she attempted to let you down, it hurt.

Poor baby.

Just be thankful that you have never really had your heart broken — like some of us — so much so that the pain is excruciating.

Imagine how all of the painful(ly funny) ways she could’ve ended things…

  1. A break-up is communicated using solely memes, gifs, and/or emojis.
  2. She insists on continuing to dress as a clown weeks after Halloween fully knowing just how freaked out that makes you.
  3. After opening up at length about your fear of commitment, she shows up the next day with a team of lawyers and a 50-page relationship contract.
  4. You are at your parents’ house for dinner and she communicates that your relationship is over in a touching after-dinner mime performance. This is especially hard for you and your family, as you not only all adored her but are huge fans of pantomime.
  5. She explains that what seemed like dating was actually all part of a project for a graduate course she is taking in abnormal behavioral psychology. On the plus side, she got a lot of great data these past five weeks.
  6. Knowing you are a fan of puzzles and riddles, she hides pieces of paper throughout your apartment each one leading to the next with a series of clues and the final message reads: “Congratulations, you solved the puzzle. A box of your stuff you left at my place is being burned as you read this.”
  7. When you ask, “Can I see you again?” she laughs so hard and so infectiously that, even though it isn’t funny, you can’t help but laugh too. It’s even less funny when she uses it as a key part of her improv set at a local amateur's night.
  8. You coyly ask her, “What are you doing the rest of your life?” and she answers, cryptically, “Feeding the geese…alone.”
  9. After bringing up the subject of kids, she smiles, excuses herself to use the washroom and you never see her again.
  10. Returning home from what seemed like a wonderful date only to find yourself blocked on every social media platform by her (plus, someone egged your car).
  11. At a huge gathering of all of your close friends, she details just how incredibly below average you are as a lover and a boyfriend and, despite how mean this is, she is so eloquent and persuasive, that, when she is done, they see you as the bad guy.
  12. Despite repeatably being told you are “too nice” and “so easy to talk to” and “a great guy”, she (like the others) leaves you, opting for a badass, making you reconsider your haircut and the whole concept of morality.
  13. You trust her when she suggests recording you singing “because it would be fun” and then somehow the recording gets played on the school PA the next day to the joy and merriment of all (except you).
  14. She casually mentions that she has to break it off as she is either voluntarily entering witness protection, getting locked up in a women’s prison or becoming a nun.
  15. You organize a surprise birthday party for her and she shows up with a date who is clearly better than you in every way.