9 Things To Do With Your Gun That Aren’t Murder
Free for use in NRA marketing materials
Three of the five deadliest mass shootings in American history have happened in the past year and a half, and all five have occurred in the 21st century.
Should we have stricter gun control, and a stricter enforcement of the policies already in place? Yes. But even gun control won’t solve everything.
Guns are in our DNA. Like, literally. Some of these guys fuck guns.
So for the time being, I propose a simple rebranding strategy. Guns are appealing to murderers right now because they are known as murder weapons. But what if there were more things to do with your gun that did not include murder?
You can easily kill someone with a woodchipper — as seen in Fargo — but rarely are woodchippers used as killing devices. Why? Because of genius marketing. The makers of woodchippers — Cub Cadet, Brush Master, Sun Joe, Yardbeast, etc. — know exactly how deadly their machines are, but they never come out and say it. To the public, woodchippers are simply there for chipping wood.
This is what we need to do with guns. So what follows are some creative things to do with your firearms.
1. Use it as a bookmark
Ideally, we would all have enough time to finish a book in one sitting. However, the demands of daily life sometimes necessitate we take breaks from reading. For this reason, we have bookmarks — thin pieces of paper used as placeholders so we don’t lose our page in a given book.
But sometimes those pesky bookmarks fall into the novel and we can’t find it. They fail to do their job. You know what works better than a piece of paper? A gun.
2. Make a stylish necklace
Get on this before Kanye does. People are always looking to make bold fashion statements. What is more bold than a handgun hanging around your neck? Take this advice and the only thing you’ll be shooting is for the stars.
3. Use it as a doorstop
Simple, yet practical. Doors need to stay open, and guns can help you make that happen.
4. Cork your wine
I actually stole this one from Etsy.
5. Make a coat rack
An AR-15 doesn’t have to be the preferred weapon for mass shootings. When it’s cold and you’re having guests over, you’ll need a place to store their jackets.
6. A fun children’s toy
Think of the best kid toys on the market — action figures, fidget spinners, frisbees.
Guns.
Children can do anything with them, from playing catch to digging a hole. Christmas is right around the corner, after all.
7. Use it as a cane
8. Get two guns and use them as stilts
If you want to be the life of the fucking party, look no further.
9. Sex stuff
NRA members have been privy to this for a while, but it’s about time the rest of America catches on.
Get this: Guns are traditionally phallic-shaped, and have a more consistent sturdiness than your run-of-the-mill dildo. You won’t have to worry about your Desert Eagle snapping in half as you sit on it.
(Note: There was going to be a picture for this blurb, but in my quest for finding the right pictures, I was brought down a wormhole I was not prepared for. So I instead invite you to Google Image search the phrase “dildo gun,” which is a thing in our world.)
Guns aren’t just a dangerous weapon. They’re a jack-of-all-trades. A Swiss Army Knife, if you will. Once people see how much fun they can be having with guns, we will all notice how the culture that surrounds guns changes.
The talk will go from “wow how did that psycho get an AR-15 to kill those people” to “wow look at this cool trick little Jimmy can do with his AK-47!”
Of course, these are just some of the cool things we can do with our guns. How do you use your gun? Drop a response and let me know.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.
