A Douchebag By Any Other Name

The pioneers of douchebaggery? (Photo/James J. Montague)

A few years ago, some friends and I were talking about growing up and getting older. The question was raised: “What’s the hardest thing about being an adult?” I think at the time I gave some generic answer like “Budgeting” or something. I hadn’t really thought about it much.

But as a few more years have come and gone — few more bags under my eyes, a few more forehead wrinkles (which I think make me look wiser) — I have come to realize the answer to that question is as simple as one word.

Douchebags.

Douchebags are the hardest thing about adult life. Actually, all phases of life. If we didn’t have douchebags in this world, oh what a wonderful world it would be. They make up all that is unnecessarily hard and mind-numbingly brutal in this world. Instead of me rambling, I’ve compiled this short list to help prove my point.

My Q&A session about life

  1. Q: Why is there no free parking anywhere downtown?
    A: Some douchebag at city hall wants more money to help balance the budget.
  2. Q: Why are gas prices so high, and why is there no rhyme or reason to their fluctuation?
    A: No one really knows. Some government douchebags cycle through the same excuses (war, economic scares, price of oil) because they know we will still pay whatever price they make it.
  3. Q: Why did my significant other leave me for someone else?
    A: Probably because s/he was a huge doucher.
  4. Q: Why will my company not give me a raise after years and years of outstanding reviews?
    A: Because your douchebag CEO understands that the economy is so bad, you aren’t going anywhere, and if you do he can just find another young, fresh-out-of-college sucker to do your job (and then some) for the same salary.
  5. Q: Why does it seem like the wrong people have all the money and make all the important decisions, and the intelligent, do-gooders of the world who have always done things the right way don’t?
    A: Because those people acted and continue to act like douchebags and get rewarded.

Or it can be as simple as:

  1. Q: Why is Sally crying?
    A: Some hateful douchebag got a hold of her.
  2. Q: Why is Jonny berating that waitress?
    A: Huge doucher.
  3. Q: Why won’t my airline pay for lost bags and hotel rooms for overbooking or canceling flights?
    A: Greedy, uncaring bags of douche.

I know you probably think I’m just trying to be funny. But if you really, really stop and think about it, most of life’s problems can be traced all the way back to a single douchebag. If not, then a small group of them.

I think that’s why I gravitate to being in nature so much. It’s a douchebag-free zone. Unless, say, you were attacked by a bear. Then that bear would be — you guessed it — a douche. I mean, that’s a douchey move.

So here’s to dealing with, fighting off, ignoring, and putting up with douchebags on a daily basis. Holdfast and may God be with you! Oh, and not to sound like your mom, but: Try to be kind to everyone you encounter. It’s just better that way. Cheers!


If you enjoyed this piece, please hit the Recommend button below so other readers can find it and enjoy it. For more things like this, be sure to follow The Bigger Picture publication and “like” us on Facebook. Thanks for checking us out!