A Modest Healthcare Proposal
Mitch McConnell, read this
Note: My proposed Healthcare plan covers all Americans except Caroline Pendergast, who told me I was a loser with no friends in fourth grade. That bitch can die in a well.
Free, Universal Coverage
Everyone gets covered (except Caroline, that bitch). Rich people. Poor people. Smart people. Dumb people. Black people. Non-black people. All of ‘em. Covered. It’s as easy as that.
The Hippocratic Oath
We will update the oath taken by medical doctors. They will be trained to judge their patients’ characters, not their wallets. This is what Dr. King dreamed of.
For example, if a lower-class woman has cancer and is a genuinely good person, the doctor should do everything possible to save that woman’s life, even if she’s poor as shit.
However, if a patient is a real sleazeball, say, a big pharma executive who literally profits off people getting addicted to opioids, maybe the doctor, while saving the sleazeball’s life, will make sure his patient is as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe during surgery he’ll accidentally slip and give him a second circumcision.
Note: The treatment of shitty patients is at the doctor’s discretion.
Abortion
Free abortions. That’s right. I didn’t stutter. FREE ABORTIONS.
It’ll be like Oprah up in here. You get an abortion! You get an abortion! You get an abortion!
In fact, due to the overwhelming population growth in this world, instead of educating young adults about the dangers of abortion, we will start educating them on the dangers of not getting an abortion.
So many things can go wrong with kids. They can be allergic to peanut butter. Peanut butter, for Christ’s sake! They can annoy you during Game of Thrones — and nobody wants that, especially when there’s a dragon in the scene! Kids can also grow up to become this douchebag.
We’re really going to break the stigma that surrounds abortion.
Sexual Reassignment
Be whatever you want. Sexual reassignment will be covered under the new healthcare plan.
If you were physically born a male but identify as a female, we won’t stop you from doing what you have to do to be more comfortable in your own (or someone else’s) skin.
In fact, we’ll help you! And we won’t just stop it there. Do you want to even be a human anymore? Fuck it, stop being a human. We’ll get the technology from The Lobster and turn you into any animal you want. What? You think it sounds crazy? How do popcorn kernels become popcorn? Why didn’t my father come to any of my baseball games? See, there’s a lot of things we can’t explain. But we’ll get the smartest minds to work on it, and you can be a dog lounging around the house or chasing rabbits in the backyard in no time.
Grey’s Anatomy
Now the question on everyone’s mind: How will this new bill affect the many characters and storylines on Grey’s Anatomy? Well, it’s simple: We will convert Grey’s Anatomy from a medical drama to a reality series.
A section of my new bill will allocate several millions of dollars for the Grey’s Anatomy cast to actually attend medical school and become real doctors. So now instead of fake storylines, there will be real, life-or-death scenarios. Think Hard Knocks, only instead of following a football team, you’re following a bunch of actors-turned-medical-professionals trying to cut people open and prescribe medication. We sure are in the golden age of television!
Money
I saved the boring part for last: money (womp womp womp).
How will we pay for all of these changes? Well, I’m surprised no one has ever thought of this before. It’s genius, really.
We start taxing bad jokes.
That’s right. If you tell a bad joke, you pay a fee. For example, if Mike Huckabee tweets one of his dumb jokes, it can be reported to the authorities, and he will be charged accordingly.
People make bad jokes every day. I make bad jokes every day.
Now, whenever we say or do something that we think is funny but isn’t funny, we will have to pay for it. You might ask, “But, Jared, isn’t comedy subjective? How can you really judge if a joke is good or bad?”
I’m glad you asked, hypothetical reader. We will form a committee of seasoned comedians, who will be tasked with deciding which jokes are eligible for fines, and how much the fines should be. This committee, Seasoned Comedians of the United States — SCOTUS, for short — will be made up of nine of the most high-profile funny people in the country. They will be elected based on a Twitter vote posted on the President’s profile. This way, we will have a fairly accurate representation of who Americans think are funny. Some candidates I’d like to throw into the mix: Dave Chappelle, Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Colbert, Louis C.K., Maria Bamford, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt, Rob Delaney, and Wanda Sykes, just to name a few.
The implementation of SCOTUS works twofold: 1) People will always tell bad jokes, so money will always be pouring into our healthcare system, and 2) Some people will learn how to be funnier, which in turn will make people happier, which can raise morale in the country, even for sick people. In a sense, we would all be Patch Adams.
That is my healthcare plan. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.
