A Thank You Note from ISIS to Mr. Trump
Dear The Donald,
Normally we don’t communicate with infidels such as yourself, but you sir, are a rare exception indeed. We have been following your campaign actively, especially on social media, and you sir are as adept at it as we are!
We had to check triple-check our payrolls to make sure we haven’t secretly been funding you after the remarks you made this past week. As you may or may not know, our ultimate goal is to establish a caliphate and we will go to any lengths to do so. We will kill and behead civilians, we will plan attacks for years, we will stop at nothing to convince the Muslims of the world that America and the “so-called modern nations” are persecuting them based on their religion and should rise up in jihad.
So imagine our surprise when we heard your latest proposal regarding banning Muslims from entering America. AMERICA! Land of the free, indeed! We want to know where we can send 72 virgins, a statue made entirely of gold melted down to look exactly like you, and some steaks (we know you love them!). You have done more for our cause in the last week than we could have done in months. With the continutation of the escalation of your remarks, you are doing our job for us, better than we could do. You have convinced a small majority of your country that all Muslims are bad and seek to destroy America at all costs.
We’ll be frank, some of our leadership still believes you are a Manchurian candidate that was secretly activated during the first Republican debate. We know (and remember, we’re ISIS) that we have purposely taken hostage and perverted a religion for our own cause, much like Christianity and most all other religions have done and will do again, at some point. We know we make up a small percentage of people who identify as Muslims. The fact is, the majority of Muslims love and want peace. They seek only to live a happy and fulfilling life.
But you sir! We don’t know how to out put into words the thank you you deserve, first with your talk of identifying Muslims with IDs and the possibility of bringing back some form of internment camps, well, we thought you were trying to trick even us with some sort of reverse-psychology. But with your call to ban an entire class of people, you have set America back years. You have stoked the flames of fear into a raging bonfire. Not since 9/11 have the American people feared a terrorrist attack like they do now, and more importantly, hate-crimes against Muslims are growing by staggering numbers. We would like to say it’s all due to us, and we take some credit with the lone wolf attack in San Bernadino, but you are playing up fears in a way we can’t: You are a white man, RUNNING AND LEADING THE REPUBLICAN PACK FOR THE POSITION OF PRESIDENT, preaching open hatred, and bigotry and by doing so, you end up making your words come true. You are helping to radicalize people who would normally be championing America and its religious tolerance, tolerance which only makes our calls weak and impotent. We don’t want to behead you, we want to kiss you!
We know many of your loyal followers will read this and say that you didn’t cause anything. We are the ones who, as the Billy Joel would say, “started the fire.” But you cannot deny the effect your words are having. Every time you open your mouth, you make an entire segment of your population fear for their lives, which in turn, only plays into our hands. We don’t know what your endgame is exactly, nor do we really care. We just thought it would be polite to let you know that we know that you know that you know exactly what you are doing. You are helping the cause of ISIS. If you were to go back to your old positions, which you held for years, claiming most Muslim people to be good, they might rally around the US and feel safe. Sadly, most probably still will because, try as we might, they are good people who simply want to have a good life. But with your continued support we will have to buy more monkey bars than ever and if you get elected, we can start a service whereby you transport Muslims directly from your proposed internment camps to our training camps.
If you decide to open your campaign to contributions, we will be the first to donate. Please let us know where we can send the statue, the virgins (we made sure they all have similar features to your daughter), and steaks. In conclusion, thank you again for doing our work better than we ever could.
P.S. Tell Omarosa “hi!” from us. We’re huge fans of the show! You sir “ARE PROMOTED!”
Sincerely,
ISIS
