An Honest Thanksgiving Day Prayer

To be recited in earnest, through gritted teeth and roasted angst

GETTY IMAGES OF CRAP TURKEYS

Family* and Friends**,

We are so fortunate*** to have one another amongst this bounty of delicious food**** and good tidings*****. Ha, I know, who even says “good tidings”****** anymore? I’m being too formal******* or whatever. Okay, Okay. Truth is********, in these times we live in*********, it just feels good to be amongst loved ones**********. Let’s take this moment to enjoy our drink***********, indulge************ in this meal, and forget about the world around us*************. Amen**************.

*plus that really weird guy named Vance that Cousin Steve insists on inviting every year
**Vance
***obligated
****the food is adequate; we skimped this year because who-gives-a-fuck?
*****an antiquated way of saying “great news!”; if the idea of “great news” sounds unfamiliar, it’s because******
******no one says this; it doest not exist anymore
*******formal language is dead; we now speak the death-tongue of Tweetish
********depending on who you’re speaking to, the “truth” might be referred to as “fake news”, aka “bad tidings”
*********hell
**********plus Vance
***********Isn’t it preposterous that our current President does NOT drink alcohol?
************viciously overeat to the point of extreme discomfort
*************this part is obviously bullshit
**************fuck everything