Best Selling Tell-All Books
That I plan to write
I’ve been meaning to write a book for a long time now. (hold your applause till the end)
And, I’ve noticed that pull-back-the-curtain type tell-all autobiographical books are all the rage.
When I write this book I am fully expecting it to be a best seller and to achieve this, I am fully prepared to sort of/kind of embellish/enhance my life to make the eventual tell-all book sound compelling and worth buying.
I’m still in the planning stage, but here are some of the ideas I have for the books I plan to write that will for sure be at the top of the best seller list soon!
- My year cleaning the nether regions of various farm animals.
- Yum!: Finding myself by eating a pound of cheese every day for 9 months.
- My year spent depressingly pretending I had a real friend (and fooling no one).
- “Well, hello Officer Dan.”: Homoerotic flirting with men in uniforms from coast-to-coast.
- 365 days spent as an internet troll and (after being fired and evicted from my apartment and forced to cut way back on skin care products and live in an abandoned shelter under a local foot bridge) actual troll.
- “You can never go home again”: Transcriptions of my profanity-laden live streams from my frequent and totally unwanted visits to my parent’s house that ended with multiple restraining orders.
- How I became the top urinal cake quality control inspector on the West Coast.
- “Ready or Not, Here I Come!”: The hard-hitting truths and harrowing tales of what I learned being forced into playing Hide N’ Seek with my kids against my will.
- Bending over: The learning, laughing and traumatic suffering of my year spent having prostate exams done by each and every doctor in the Greater Vancouver area.
- “Take a Hike!”, “Until the Cows Come Home”, “Kill Two Birds with One Stone”: The ups and downs of my years spent taking everything said to me extremely literally.
- “She — I mean, he — has a penis!”: The sordid and explicit details of my hilarious and life-changing two months as an undercover nun.
- To Hell and Back: Three years spent listening to nothing but Alvin and the Chipmunk music.
- Lots and lots of days and months without saying, writing or typing any word with an “E” in it.
- “Why is daddy crying…again?”: My years being ruthlessly mocked, shamed and bullied by my two adorable little girls and loving wife.
- Growing a beard: A collection of my introspective, humorous and heart-wrenching tweets posted during the 18 months when I didn’t shave.