God Bless America

You co-paid a doctor $300 last year to jam a piece of copper up your uterus. Ten months and two hundred super-tampons later, you’re finally back to normal.

It’s great”, you tell everyone. “I’m so fortunate to have an IUD.

You’re not. It fails.


You take a second pregnancy test just to be sure.

You were on Accutane™ last month, so the pregnancy won’t be viable. You hope the drug company doesn’t sue.

Or should you sue?

Can poor people sue?

This sucks, you think. We’d make cute babies.

You grab your iPhone and open WhatsApp. It’s 6AM in Sweden, but your boyfriend deserves to know. He’s more sensitive than other men you’ve dated. Perhaps it’s because he wasn’t spanked?

You make a mental note to check PubMed later.

You feel a sharp pain in your right ovary. Google says the pregnancy might be ectopic.

Not good.

WebMD recommends calling an ambulance. You laugh at the thought.

In the comfort of your shared bay-area bedroom, you research local clinics.

Wow, this one looks nice. Is that a yoga studio? In the lobby?

They don’t accept your insurance.

Wait. Do you still have insurance?

You realize that the university dropped you after graduation.

That’s fine, no problem. You have a tech job now, so surely they’ll cover you.

Oh, but it’s only April 9th. You signed your paperwork on February 12th….

Health insurance won’t kick in for another month.


You wish your parents were rich. Jenna still uses her dad’s insurance, and you hear it covers nose jobs.

You switch tabs.

“Hi, Jade! Are you still searching for Ninja Juice Blenders?”

No, healthcare. But thanks anyways Mr. Bezos.

WebMD says you have limited time. You begin to panic, but then realize that your appendix is still intact so you can’t always trust WebMD.

You search for a non-defunded Planned Parenthood. Your sexually active friends used to go there in high school, so they definitely don’t require insurance.

You paste a Sticky to your desktop reminding you to vote.

As you glance at the time, you realize they’re closed. A sudden cramp pulls you to the ground.

You wonder how expensive it is to die. Do your parents pay for that? Who pays off your student loans?

The pain subsides. You contemplate driving to the ER but remember that your uninsured sister once paid $400 to pee in a cup.

You ask the Internet for help.

“If you don’t have health insurance, why are you having unprotected sex?”

Thanks for that ignorant comment, Susan.

“Insurance should be the last thing on your mind, girl. Go to the hospital!”

But what if it’s not ectopic? What if it’s just a miscarriage? What if I’m overreacting? I can’t afford that…

You close the tab and start thinking about medical tourism. Your boyfriend recommends Sweden, but you also have family in Canada and Mexico…Decisions, decisions.

The pain is severe. Something is definitely wrong.

You’re in luck! Last-minute flights to Stockholm are only $300.

You hope that you survive the flight. But if you must die, you pray that it happens over U.S. soil. The casket would be cheaper to ship.

Google says the USD is stronger than the SEK, and you’ve already saved $2,000 by forgoing an ambulance!

Hell yeah! I love saving money.

You swipe your virtual credit card and open Mint.

Hmm..Should this be counted as “travel” or “health”?

You choose “travel” so you can keep track of your Chase Sapphire Reserve points.

A Robinhood notification appears. AAPL is up 3%!

God Bless America.