Hillary Clinton: “I Am Also A 74-Year-Old Socialist From Brooklyn”

(Photo/Richard C. Young)

In what appears to be a desperate attempt to appeal to younger voters, Hillary Clinton has announced that, despite previous reports, she is actually “more like [my] opponent Bernie Sanders than you all think. Seriously.”

Secretary Clinton held a press conference early Tuesday, surprising supporters and media outlets. She began:

“It may seem like a stretch, but I swear to you, I have always been a 74-year-old socialist. I know what my birth certificate says, but you know how those things are. I was born in Brooklyn and have been serving as the longest-running Independent in Congress for the past twenty-something years.”

Nicholas Confessore of The New York Times declared Hillary’s announcement a “bold strategy.” He wrote:

“This is really a stroke of genius from the Clinton campaign. She needs to court young voters, and to do that, she needs to distance herself from the persona of the 68-year-old moderate from Chicago. National polls indicate 74-year-old socialists from Brooklyn are killing it with the 18–29 demographic, and that’s what the Clinton campaign has realized… It’s really a brilliant campaign move.”

On the other hand, many undecided voters disagree with the strategy. Peggy Uyoina, a 20-year-old college student at the University of Nevada, is “disgusted Hillary would try to pull a fast one like this.” When asked to elaborate, Peggy had this to say: “It’s like she thinks we are all stupid. If she wanted us to think she was a 74-year-old socialist from Brooklyn, she would have began her campaign on that platform.” Peggy went on to accuse the Clinton campaign of trying to pander to young voters like herself: “We’re not idiots. We can see right through all of her lies and facades. She doesn’t even have unkempt gray hair or a hunchback!”

We obviously have to wait to see if this Clinton strategy is a boom or bust. The Secretary of State concluded her announcement by declaring — in a Brooklyn accent:

“We will all come together to say loudly, and clearly that the government of our great nation belongs to all of us, not just a few wealthy campaign contributors. That is what this campaign is about, that is what the political revolution is about. Enough is enough! Free college tuition. Universal single-payer healthcare. Black lives matter. Thank you!”

Bill Clinton has also come out on the offensive, blasting Sanders and his supporters: “He’s obviously just saying whatever his advisors are telling him to say. It’s all politics, politics, politics with him. He represents the establishment, through and through. That’s what my 74-year-old socialist wife has been trying to break up ever since she first became the Independent Senator of Vermont. She loves Ben and Jerry’s.”

The Sanders campaign is yet to comment on Clinton’s change of approach. We expect a comment shortly, though, as Bill Clinton continues to push threatening accusations toward Senator Sanders and his campaign: “We have it on good information that he’s not even being honest about what he really represents. He hasn’t even always been a 74-year-old socialist. I mean, just last year he was a 73-year-old socialist. Can you trust a guy who flip-flops like that?”

(Image/Hillary for America campaign)