How to Compliment the F**k out of Someone
A great compliment is a thing of beauty and power. Certain compliments become like buoys in a sea of indifference and negative judgments. They can save you — or at least provide some occasional respite from choppier waters.
And yes: I think this is the case even if ‘Words of Appreciation’ isn’t your most important Love Language. It isn’t mine. But I’ve received one or two great compliments over the years, that I’ve mentally reviewed again and again.
So what makes a compliment powerful?
It Depends on You
Granted, a lot of it is to do with you and whatever your brain latches onto, what it deems to be significant. Just noticing what sort of compliments you respond to helps raise your self-awareness.
The best compliments I’ve ever received were totally unexpected.
In one memorable case, it came from a person who had nothing to gain by saying it: you could see it was about as involuntary as acid-reflux.
In one or two important cases, the compliments helped me to suss out my strength as a person. This is one of the underlooked values of complimenting people: you’re actually helping them discover what they are meant to be doing with life.
My friend at University said I had an uncommon grace. (I didn’t confirm with her at the time, but she would certainly have been talking psychologically. She’s seen me dance.) We were just 18 when she said that. 18 years later, I remember it.
Around 10 years ago, a tipsy gay guy I met at a party (as I said, nothing to gain) was listening to me speak and suddenly asked what I did with myself because I “seemed successful.” (This same guy told me a few moments later to “sort my life out,” but this was one of those rare occasions in life where my brain didn’t nullify his earlier compliment.)
Recently, a friend said I had great emotional power and an uncanny ability to “synch up” with her.
All three of these left me with nothing to say except to bask in the glory. There was no possibility to dismiss the gift, as I may have done ordinarily.
Simple Works, Too…
A compliment doesn’t need to be unusual to be meaningful. That is not what I am encouraging here.
A certain kind of compliment is always lovely to hear from the right people: You look beautiful, amazing, stunning. I like your tastes, your tattoo, your dress, your hair. When it’s been a while since my boyfriend told me I looked pretty, I start to wonder if he still finds me so.
However, with such compliments, it is usually the emotional valence I remember, rather than the actual words. Maybe it’s because they address a part of me that is ever-changing rather than the enduring part of me.
Advice for Fearless & Fierce Complimenting
Based on my own subjective experience, and my lifelong enthusiasm for dishing out appreciation, here are a few guidelines on compliment-giving:
Be specific: When I compliment people, I try to be specific. It’s for the same reason I buy jackfruit tacos. I want to see more of what I am buying. I am using my purchasing power with intention, to declare to the Food Commerce Gods that “I like this! Give me more!”
Aim to compliment people on something so unique and essential to them, that if they walked in the room they’d know you could only be talking about them.
As well as making both of you feel great, complimenting people in this way reinforces uniqueness, which is a lot less like supporting separation, and a lot more like celebrating Creation Itself.
“You have a healing quality to your energy. I feel utterly calm and accepted when I am with you.”
“That hairstyle was made for you because it captures your fragility and strength simultaneously.”
“When you teach, you make time stand still for me.”
“Your voice is a voice I can and want to listen to for hours.”
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HOW AMAZING IT FEELS TO ISSUE COMPLIMENTS LIKE THIS. When your frame is to recognize what is uniquely beautiful about others, it uses your attention in a beneficial way. Meditation supremo and one of my heroes, Sam Harris, says that gratitude (and compliments are just gratitude expressed outwards) gives you instantaneous access to your best self. Seems true.
Deal with some vulnerability: What if the compliment is too intense for them? What if they are weirded out by it?
You never know until you try. Plus, exposing yourself to vulnerability is a good thing to do. You’ll wind up avoiding life if you don’t.
The caveat is don’t go giving people deep compliments if you just met them. That’s obvious.
Lose your own awkwardness about receiving compliments: It cuts both ways, this compliments game. You can’t be giving them all out, not taking any in. That makes you sort of needy.
Receiving compliments is hard work for a lot us. Let’s not even analyze why. We squirm and we stutter and we look like we just swallowed something unpleasant.
I have been one of those people. If you are too, practice saying “wow, thank you. That so lovely to know.”
Or if actual words are too big an ask, just smile and say thank you when you receive a compliment.
