I Already Watched This Year’s Oscars So You Don’t Have To
Don’t call me a hero.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is fucking up. First, they gave up finding a host for the biggest night of awards season — WAS BILLY EICHNER NOT AVAILS? — and then they considered cutting technical categories to shorten the ceremony, which caused an uproar. And then they recruited a bunch of A-listers in an attempt to convince viewers to still watch the trainwreck of a ceremony take place.
Needless to say, you have better things to do than watch the dumpsterfire that is the Oscars on February 24th. May I suggest the season finale of True Detective? This way you get to watch Mahershala Ali act and not just watch him sit there in a suit doing nothing (which, admittedly, isn’t the worst way to spend a night).
Fortunately for you, I was able to get a copy of this year’s Academy Awards from Gary, this guy who works at the Best Buy in Paramus, NJ who always talks to the cameras and eats batteries. (One time, I walked in on him screaming at an empty toilet paper roll, telling it to “grow more.” Weird dude.)
Anyway, Gary gave me the copy, and I watched it. What follows is a breakdown of how things will unfold on Sunday.
5:00pm PST
Everyone takes their seats, some chatter here and there. The lights focus on a single microphone at center stage. The announcer does his thing: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 91st Annual Academy Awards! Here’s your host… uh…”
Things get pretty awkward after this. The room falls silent, and about three minutes pass. No one walks out from behind the curtain or anything. Seth Rogen starts laughing, which is funny because he has a funny laugh, but also because why is Seth Rogen there?
5:13pm PST
Okay, so it’s been thirteen whole minutes since the ceremony started, and most people are still just sitting around. Meryl Streep leaves because this is beneath her, and she tells an usher to make sure her award is mailed to her if she wins. The usher informs her she was not nominated for anything this year.
Meryl literally bitch-slaps the usher so damn hard that she sends him back to 1918 and he ends up dying of the Spanish flu (off-camera).
5:25pm PST
Finally, Tom Hanks — the only adult in the room — steps up onto the stage to raucous cheers. He grabs the mic and says, “Gee, and I thought Cast Away had a slow start.” People laugh, but then think about it and actually nod in agreement. Weird for Tom to shit on one of his most well-known movies, but to each his own.
5:32pm PST
At this point, Tom Hanks has spent the past seven minutes doing nothing but Cast Away material. (“Robert Zemeckis? More like Robert WhatTheHeckis!” “Did you know Cast Away gave me diabetes?” And, my personal favorite: “There’s a scene in the movie where I make fire. Too bad the producers couldn’t do just that with the film,” which is funnier if you know that Tom Hanks was a producer on the film.) It is apparent he hates this movie.
5:35pm PST
Tom Hanks finally gets played off the stage by none other than the Cast Away theme, which sends him into a frenzy of cuss words that manifests itself on television as one long BLEEEEEEEEEEP.
5:36pm PST
More awkward silence, as no one knows who is supposed to start the ceremony. Was there supposed to be an opening bit or something? A musical number? Hugh Jackman is still in his seat, so unlikely.
5:45pm PST
After 45 long minutes, the screen on stage starts playing what appears to be the opening bit. The crowd rises to their feet to applaud, but tamper down their excitement when they see Kevin Hart on the screen. That’s right. This was taped before the Kevin Hart controversy, when he was still the host. In the three-minute segment, which was somehow overlooked, Kevin Hart travels into the movie world of Bohemian Rhapsody and calls Freddie Mercury “gay boy.”
Chris Pratt is the only one who laughs.
5:49pm PST
Chris Evans comes out to announce the winner of Best Supporting Actor. Before he opens the envelope, he gives a pretty good speech about how, being Captain America, he knows how important it is to have a good team around to rely on. Most people roll their eyes because, sure Captain America is cool, but he can also be super lame sometimes.
“And the Oscar goes to… Mahershala Ali, for Green Book.”
Mahershala knew it was coming so he doesn’t even smile. He steps onto the stage and gives Chris Evans a big hug, causing thousands of young boys nationwide to discover their sexuality.
He gives a great acceptance speech, promoting further equality for minorities. Adam Driver doesn’t clap because he thought he deserved to win for BlacKkKlansman.
6:33pm PST
The awards are rolling right along. No host means no schtick, and presenters keep popping onto the stage one after another to rattle off categories. All is well, and it looks like we’re going to get through this thing.
6:59pm PST
AMPAS President John Bailey comes onto the stage to congratulate the Academy Nicholl Fellowship winners. It’s just business as usual, until someone interrupts the ceremony from the back of the theater.
“Liar! He’s a liar! That boy is not who he says he is!” Everyone turns to see Denzel Washington rushing the stage. He tries jumping straight on, but then remembers he’s 64 years old, and opts to take the stairs. He takes a few seconds to catch his breath, and then continues, “Liar! He’s a fraud!”
No one knows what the fuck is going on, so Denzel further elaborates: “Max Bixby is not who he says he is.” Denzel points a threatening finger at Max, a small nerdy kid with glasses who looks like he’s about to shit his pants.
Evidently, Denzel Washington takes the Academy Nicholl Fellowship very seriously and does his own investigation into each fellow. He approaches Max and bodyslams him to the ground. “His name isn’t even Max. He’s been playing all of us.”
Academy President John Bailey shakes his head. “What the [bleep] are you talking about?”
“This ain’t Max, chief.” Denzel grabs the kid under the chin and yanks his face off. It was a mask all along! Denzel was right!
The crowd gets a good look at the person formerly known as Max, and they gasp. Timothy (I refuse to spell it that way) Chalamet turns to Steve Carell and asks, “Who is that?”
Steve’s eyes remain gazing forward. He answers, “That’s Roman Polanski.”
Yes, it’s true. 85-year-old Roman Polanski wore a disguise to sneak back into the United States and Hollywood. Law enforcement comes to take him away but then realize Denzel’s bodyslam was fatal. They don’t have a body bag on them so they sort of just roll him up like a sleeping bag and carry him away under their arms.
Denzel somehow gets out of this without even being questioned. It probably should be a manslaughter charge at the very least, but, then again, it’s Roman Polanski, so who gives a shit.
7:33pm PST
Paul Schrader wins Best Original Screenplay for his work on First Reformed.
Upon seeing this from his couch, Bo Burnham — snubbed writer and director of Eighth Grade — posts an Instagram video of his dog furiously humping his Writers Guild and Directors Guild awards, which gets more views in two hours than the Academy Awards broadcast receives all night.
7:37pm PST
It’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the night: In Memoriam. The beautiful slideshow brings tears to people’s eyes, especially when “Roman Polanski — 1933–2019” appears on screen.
Things get a little awkward when they flash Jack Nicholson’s face, and then the camera cuts to him, sitting in his seat, eating a hot dog, very much alive. Just because he hasn’t made a movie in nine years doesn’t mean he’s dead.
8:06pm PST
Lady Gaga wins the award for Best Actress, and she’s so excited. She starts crying and scurries up to the microphone. Her acceptance speech is gracious and everything you would expect, but it takes a turn for the worse when Bradley Cooper — still upset about being snubbed for Best Director — crawls onto the stairs of the stage, a drunk mess, asking Gaga if she won.
She’s nice, so she says yes, and Bradley gets so happy. He stands and looks out into the crowd as Gaga tries to continue her speech. He starts blabbering nonsense, and then pisses his pants.
Life imitates art.
8:11pm PST
This is it. The final award of the night: Best Picture. We’re almost out of the woods. All we have to do is get through this category and it’s over.
We can sense the impatience of the crowd, who just want to go do cocaine in the privacy of someone else’s bathroom.
But, of course, there seems to be a snafu. Denzel Washington was supposed to announce the winner, but he’s gone M.I.A. since murdering Roman Polanski (allegedly), perhaps to interrogate the other Nicholl fellows to make sure they are who they say they are.
In a last-minute decision, the producers decide to send Lady Gaga back out there to present, since she was already backstage. She walks out there, steps over Bradley, and reads the remarks that were originally prepared for Denzel.
“I’ve been around this industry for almost forty years. I’ve seen a lot of great films. I’ve been in a lot of great films. Training Day. Glory. Philadelphia. And, let me tell you, as a 64-year-old black man, it’s nice to see so many films nominated this year with such a diverse cast of people, and with messages that preach equality and acceptance. The nominees for Best Picture are…”
After the clips of the nominated movies roll in, Lady Gaga prepares to announce the winner. The crowd is anxious. They don’t care who wins. They just want to leave.
“And the Oscar goes to…” Lady Gaga rips open the envelope. Tension is high.
A familiar voice calls from the crowd. “Okay I’m back!”
All eyes turn to Meryl Streep, tip-toeing down the aisle. She just sort of sits down in her seat, oblivious to what is happening. Her husband, Don, turns to her and says that he thought she left. She says, “Well I did, but I’m back now. I wouldn’t want to miss my name being called!”
Don opens his mouth to inform her she is not actually nominated for anything, but then remembers that poor usher who was decimated by his wife. He keeps his mouth shut.
Meryl focuses her attention to Gaga, who stands on stage in silence, not knowing what to do. Meryl laughs. “Well, go on. Sorry to disturb you. Are we just getting started? Did I miss the opening number?”
Gaga turns to look off-stage, at Academy President John Bailey. Neither of them want to upset Meryl Streep. They share a knowing nod.
Lady Gaga clears her throat and looks out into the audience. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 91st Annual Academy Awards!”
Meryl hoots and hollers and jumps out of her seat applauding. The rest of the crowd plays along.
Trust me. Just watch True Detective.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here.
