Is Uncle Craig a Bad Guy?
An analysis in preparation for Thanksgiving
You only see him on important holidays, maybe sometimes at weddings and funerals. But most of your family is either lonely or already dead, so you don’t have many of those.
Whenever he is around, it’s usually a shitshow. You never really know what you’re going to get with this guy. If your family operated like a business, HR would have a massive file on Uncle Craig. Sexism. Racism. Pure ignorance. There’s that one joke he loves to tell… “I like my women like I like my guns. Locked in my closet and full of bullets.”
Yeah, you know. That one.
But as you prepare to see him this Thanksgiving, it’s important to ask yourself one question: Do these awful qualities make Uncle Craig an equally awful human being, or do they just add to the lore of whacky Uncle Craig? To find an answer, we need to delve into the specifics of his character.
The Racism
Is he racist? Or does he just say racist shit? Is there a difference? Maybe, maybe not — but the truth is, Uncle Craig could definitely tone it down a bit. He doesn’t think Santa can be black, but also believes Jesus was 100% white. Is it just pure ignorance, or something more? When discussing race relations in the country, he often uses the phrase “us vs. them.” That’s not good.
The Sexism
When he’s done eating, he leaves his plate on the table because “the women will take care of it.” The most ironic part about this is that he works part-time at a Ruby Tuesday’s as a literal dishwasher.
His Football IQ
This works in Uncle Craig’s favor. For all of his pitfalls as a person, he has a pretty good understanding of the game of football. This Thanksgiving, you can rely on your uncle to give solid analysis of why Matt Ryan isn’t elite or how the Cowboys pass rush is starting to hit its stride.*
*Of course, with any football conversation also comes an inevitable racist comment about Colin Kaepernick.
Politics
He’s a huge fan of Donald J. Trump because “the guy tells it like it is.” However, Uncle Craig doesn’t even vote, and is a registered Democrat because his ex-wife registered for him. He has some strong opinions about things, but never actually gets around to telling you what those opinions are. He just wants you to know that they are strong.
Knows A Lot About Cars
Like most men born before 1969, Uncle Craig knows an awful lot about cars, especially for someone who lost his license back in ’03. He’ll change your oil and check that humming noise coming from your engine in a heartbeat, even in the blistering cold on Thanksgiving. This is partly because he just loves greasy work, but also due to the fact that it helps to fill the dark void that exists inside of him.
Got into a Fight with Zach Braff at a Winery in Asbury Park, New Jersey
He gets major bonus points for this. What was Uncle Craig doing at a winery in Asbury Park, and why did he get in a fight with the guy from Scrubs? We’ll probably never get a clear answer. But the safe bet is that Zach had it coming. Fuck that guy.
Drunk Exemption?
Does Uncle Craig get a pass on the racism, sexism, and other shitty things just because he’s usually drunk? The answer is no. Usually being drunk is exactly why he lost his driver’s license, but it really can’t be a blanket excuse for anything awful he does. Case in point: I get drunk sometimes, but I’ve never called my sister-in-law a fat ass and never used a racial slur to describe the 44th American president. Being drunk doesn’t change who you are. It amplifies it. In Uncle Craig’s case, it’s like cranking the sound of diarrhea farts up to 11.
CONCLUSION
You love him because he’s your family and you have fond memories of him from when you were a kid, but that doesn’t change the fact that Uncle Craig is probably a bad dude. That’s why any time you talk to him, you are constantly on edge, hoping nothing you say triggers a racist remark or an off-kilter joke about women. Talking football can only help so much, and that’s if CBS doesn’t show the National Anthem. If they show the Anthem, forget about it. Uncle Craig fucking loves the troops, except “the lazy ones.”
His entire worldview is skewed, and he’s as volatile as that stock the Mad Money guy keeps telling you to stay away from. People have been letting him slide for far too long.
This Thanksgiving, don’t be afraid to call Uncle Craig out on his bullshit. Maybe you’ll get through to him. Or maybe he’ll stab you. You really never know with this guy.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here.
