You bring the booze, I’ll bring the Festivus pole

Stella J. McKenna
Dec 22, 2016 · 3 min read

I wasn’t really old enough to understand Seinfeld when it originally ran. But I discovered it in re-runs sometime in high school and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen every episode since then. Even if you’re not super familiar with Seinfeld, you’re probably aware of Festivus (and if not — go watch that episode, damnit!)

In traditional Festivus fashion, I’m initiating the 2016 Medium Edition of The Airing of Grievances!

If ever a year needed this tradition, 2016 is it.

And guess what? You’re invited! Yes, you. Come air your grievances, won’t you?

Shout-out style special invite to specific people I think may have some grievances to air, but spread the word and invite others, too! Or simply feel free to crash the party. (Note this is a BYOB event): Justin Cox 🍩, Gutbloom, Oliver Shiny, Notorious DCI, Ernio Hernandez, Lisa Renee, Ellie Guzman, Devon Henry, Ryan Hussey, Todd Hannula 🤓, Anna Now, marika bianca, Conor O’Shea, Carina Sitkus, Sand Farnia, Jessica Jungton, Don Cue, Hilal Isler, Justine Bronson, Kestley Knoble, Zac Chapepa 💫, elizabeth tobey, @ladyspinster, Yiling Chen, Jing Jing Li, Anna Xiques, kelly catchpole.

I’ll go first. In no particular order:

  • I’m sick and tired of my goddamn co-workers coming into the office when they’re sick and coughing all over the place. Go the fuck home please. I don’t want your germs, your child’s germs, or the germs your child picked up at school.
  • Okay, I guess I’ll say it: Trump.
  • Also: people who complain about Trump all the time. Shut the fuck up. What’s done is done.
  • The term “self-care”. When the fuck did this become a phrase? Please stop using it because it makes me want to vomit. Take care of yourself and be a human. We don’t need a special term for being an adult.
  • Connecticut mini-van drivers on the stretch of I-95 that runs through Connecticut: Get out of the left lane already. Here’s an FYI: the left lane is the passing lane, not the “go 10 mph below the speed limit forcing Stella to pass you in the right-hand lane in her PRIUS while screaming at you at the top of her lungs” lane.
  • Negan
  • Trader Joe’s brand Sriracha: you are a disgrace to the term “Sriracha”.
  • Please, please, please for the love of all that is holy CAN WE PUT A GLOBAL BAN ON THE PLAYING OF MARIAH CAREY’S “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU”? That song is legit a torture device and has no place on the goddamn radio.
  • The Kardashians. All of ’em (including the Jenners). Please stop.
  • “bae”
  • High-waisted jeans
  • Crop tops
  • When I’m on the treadmill at the gym, and gym-ratty dude gets on the one next to me and he REEKS of cologne: yeah, fuck you dude.
  • You know who else I’m really sick and tired of? Climate change deniers.
  • I’m a little bit irritated by people with kids who complain about their kids — about the money, about the time, about the gross things kids do, about how their house is a mess, about the picky-eating habits — and then ask me why I don’t want to have kids.
  • The Android Medium app doesn’t allow me to leave private comments. What the fuck is that about?
  • People on the paleo diet: stop telling me about the paleo diet.
  • Little Brother, stop being an idiot please and just talk to me.
  • Mom, stop asking me when you get to meet The Boy.
  • Dunkin Donuts coffee, you’ve become such a fucking disappointment. Get your shit together for 2017.

Okay, I’ll stop there.

Phew, that actually feels good! I’m ready for Feats of Strength, now. But, first… it’s your turn.

Air your grievances as a response to this post! Here’s your chance to complain unabashedly. Take advantage of it.

Happy Festivus to you, Medium family!

❤ Stella


The Bigger Picture

Oddly specific. Universally applicable. Submit your writing to biggerpicturemedium@gmail.com.

Stella J. McKenna

Written by

Mystery woman by day. Writer by night. Hopeless yet unrelenting 24–7. I like to contemplate: love, sex, feelings, quantum physics, and pop music lyrics.

The Bigger Picture

Oddly specific. Universally applicable. Submit your writing to biggerpicturemedium@gmail.com.

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