Keep Calm, Nothing is Under Control
Here I am again. Waiting to hear someone else’s decision on how I will spend the next phase of my life. Where will my family live? How much money will we have to live on? These are big important questions and all mostly out of my control.
It’s loan contingency removal day in the escrow of our hopefully new home, and we’re waiting to find out whether our loan application is approved for the amount we requested, or at all. Our move date is in three weeks and we need to have somewhere to move to. My husband’s new job starts in two months. If we don’t get this house, we don’t have a plan B. The stress of uncertainty is nearly unbearable.
Here is how I bear it. And have borne it all the times before. And let me tell you a secret. You can bear it too.
An Anxious Life
Full disclosure: I am an anxious person. I am a super Type A planner and analyzer that found her calling in the law because that’s where Type A analyzers go to fret in a group setting. Funny thing is, grouping anxiety-prone people together doesn’t usually reduce their anxiety. It exacerbates it.
After ten years of practicing, several panic attacks and complications from anxiety, I left my job in the law after the birth of my first child. That did greatly relieve my day-to-day stress, but it didn’t cure my anxiety. Whenever situations like my present one occur, I still have to find a way to walk through my anxiety without allowing it to paralyze me.
So what do I do today, while waiting, unbearably, to find out if this big giant life plan of ours, financial and otherwise, to live in a beautiful house in a beautiful community we love will come to pass?
Don’t Drink and Worry
So much turmoil could drive a person to drink, as they say. In fact, that’s the common prescription from friends and family members. Have a glass of wine! You deserve it! My god, I’d be snuggled up with the whiskey right about now.
But here’s my first suggestion if you are in a similarly uncontrollable and anxiety-producing situation: Don’t drink.
Full disclosure: I don’t drink anymore at all. I drank a lot for a long time and found it did not serve me for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I am anxiety prone in the best of times. And shocker, alcohol is not a relaxant.
Alcohol stimulates the nervous system and makes you more likely to feel that fight or flight limbic response which is the source of much anxiety.
Here’s an excerpt from Harvard Health:
Several hours after that nightcap, the alcohol raises the body’s level of epinephrine, a stress hormone that increases the heart rate and generally stimulates the body, which can result in nighttime awakenings. Indeed, alcohol may account for 10% of cases of persistent insomnia. Alcohol also relaxes throat muscles, and this relaxation can worsen sleep-related breathing problems and contribute to sleep apnea. What’s more, alcohol may increase the need to urinate during the night — just another way in which it can disrupt sleep.
http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/alcohol-and-fatigue
So there you go. If you want to relax during times of uncertainty, try chamomile tea, not wine.
Get Out of Your Head
Ever notice how if you just think about something, your mind races off after every tangent like a dog after a squirrel? To avoid this circular thinking and getting into a fear tailspin, get it down on paper.
Dump it out. Sort through it. Right size it. Once it’s out of your head, you’ll be able to see that some of the anxiety stems from things totally unrelated to the present situation. Like childhood, or values that don’t serve you any more.
For me, I have an overblown fear of things out of my control. I’m not quite sure where I get that but I know that it is over and above what is totally rational. So I acknowledge it, recognize that it’s just my thing, and try not to engage with it.
Engage in Radical Self-Care
You are at your most vulnerable when life feels out of your control. So take control of what you can, yourself.
You can’t make the bank give you money, or the company give you a job. But you can make sure that you get enough sleep so your emotions aren’t on a hair trigger all day. You can make sure you have enough to eat so you don’t get hangry and snap at your long-suffering spouse. You can exercise so some of those endorphins can counter your stress hormones.
Most of all, you can surround yourself with loving supportive people who won’t feed into your worst case scenario fear spiral with their “what ifs” and “what are you going to dos.”
Because here’s the secret. You may not be in control of the outcome, but you are in control of the experience.
Find Faith
Yes, it’s time to start praying. Whether you believe in God, Allah, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Secret, or just the divine power of the human spirit, it’s time to find solace.
There is something in the world bigger than you and it is kind and loving and wants the best for you. Ask it for strength and guidance during these tormenting times.
Let it Go
Elsa is a rock star at my house and I’ve started to see her appeal. Man, just let it go. All those plans and dreams and expectations. Just let them go.
Do you really need that big fancy house? Do you really need that big fancy job? What about renting? Or finding something lower-key to do for work?
I don’t believe that we make plans and God laughs. I do think that the Divine may be confused sometimes though as our plans may not align with our values and desires.
For instance, we may make plans for safety and stability, but really want something bigger and better. Maybe we’re just afraid to wish for it. Our Higher Power is preparing us for that bigger and better dream whether we like it or not. All we need to do is let go and be carried.
Maintain Your Routine
The more you have to occupy your mind, the less it can run away with anxiety and fear of the unknown. Get up at your normal time, try to dedicate yourself to your work, get that exercise done, and hang out with friends.
In fact, talking to friends about their problems is one of the best ways to distract yourself from your own. Not only will you help a friend by listening, you’ll feel good about yourself for being a good friend instead of preoccupied with your own struggles. You might even get some perspective on the source of your anxiety.
In any case, you’ll emerge from the conversation reenergized to deal with your own stresses.
The Power of Now
The thing about anticipatory anxiety is that you’re anxious about something that literally hasn’t happened yet. You’re anxious about what could happen. Present events may have made that scary eventuality more probable than it was a few minutes ago, granted.
But nothing is actually happening to you now. Now you are fine. Now you have a place to live with your family. You may not have one next week, but right now you have one. Now you have enough money to buy groceries. Again, next week may be another story, but now you are okay.
So stay in the now. We do that by getting mindful and present. My favorite way to do that is meditation. I don’t mean that you have to sit on a hard floor cross-legged for 30 minutes while mumbling a mantra in a foreign tongue (though if you’re up for that, awesome!).
Meditation can be as easy as deeply inhaling the steam from a cup of peppermint tea while repeating in, out, in, out. Or do a 5-minute guided meditation using a free app like Calm. You can even meditate while exercising. Just get very mindful of your breath and let your thoughts roll by you like clouds in the sky.
Don’t engage with the thoughts that want you to run into the future. Focus on what is happening right now, because right now you are okay.
Walk Through Your Worst Case, But Don’t Walk Alone
It can be helpful to actually walk through that worst case scenario in your mind or on paper to examine whether it’s actually that likely. And if it is, make a plan for what you’ll do if it happens.
Be warned though that during times of great stress, your mind is like a bad neighborhood you don’t want to walk through alone. Around every corner is another terrifying shadow of what may come. Make sure you walk through that neighborhood with a buddy. Talk it out with a friend to find out those shadows are just that, overblown reflections of a much less intimidating reality.
My last and most important tip for dealing with anxiety about things outside of your control is to remember that your success rate for getting through tough times thus far is at 100%. You have made it through every previous challenge in your life. And I’m betting there were a lot of previous challenges. You carried yourself through all of those struggles and came out stronger on the other side. You will make it through this one too.
