My Best Valentine’s Day Advice
Write this shit down.
Let me start off just by saying I’m no Hitch. I don’t look like Will Smith. I’m nowhere near as charming. And I’m reluctant to admit that — even with no empirical data to back this claim — my Hancock pales in comparison.
But I do have something Will Smith doesn’t have: a faithful relationship.
I’ve been dating the same woman for nine years, and through that time I’ve gained tremendous insight into relationships and the complex infrastructure known as the female mind.
What follows is a comprehensive list of advice for ways to end up — and stay — in a happy relationship. I hope it works for you as well as it did for me.
Shut the Fuck Up
She probably doesn’t want to hear what you have to say unless she asks. So don’t speak unless spoken to.
“But, Jared, I like talking and that’ll be hard for me!”
Okay, I get that. So here’s a tip: When you think about saying something, don’t say it. Just shut the fuck up. You probably don’t have anything good to say anyway. The last insightful thing to come out of a man’s mouth was when Shakespeare said, “All that glitters is not gold,” — and he might’ve been a lady for all we know.
And the last cool thing a guy did before that was when Jesus did that magic trick with wine. And the jury is out on that, too.
So, in summation: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Go on Vacations
So you’re in a toxic relationship but still want to stay together, eh? That’s fine! A simple trick is to plan an extravagant vacation every few months, this way breaking up will never make fiscal sense.
You hate each other and might be reaching a breaking point? Whoops, too bad. You’re going to Cabo next week and you already paid in full!
Was it the last straw when he forgot your birthday for the third year in a row? Nope! Do you know how expensive a flight to Fiji is?
He showed up drunk to Aunt Joni’s funeral? Aww shucks, you can’t get a refund for that cruise you booked!
You can’t break up if you have big plans approaching. This is just science.
Are you writing this down?
Role Play
Every women loves role-playing. This is why, whenever you are having sex, you must always call her by a name that is not her own. If you call her by her actual name, she’ll be reminded that it’s just her, having sex, with you. And that’s not fun for anyone.
If she’s not good at improv, that’s fine. Try calling her by the name of a woman you both know — maybe a mutual friend, coworker, or someone in her family.
If she has a sister, that’s perfect. She knows her so well, she’ll easily be able to get into character.
Lie
Every good relationship is built on lies. And, when you hear someone say, “ME AND MY BOYFRIEND ARE SO OPEN WITH EACH OTHER. WE TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING,” that’s a big fucking turd of a lie, and that’s what makes them a better couple than you. They lie to everyone: their significant others, their friends, their families, and even themselves.
Consider Cory and Topanga. You grew up thinking they had a storybook romance, but have you ever realized that almost every late-series plot point has to do with them either lying to each other or keeping a lie from someone else? Not to mention the fact that Topanga convinces Cory to move to New York City with her for — get this — a motherfucking internship.
She doesn’t even have a job. It’s an internship. And she’s planning to go to law school? Sister, that takes like three years. What the fuck is Cory going to do? He has no talents. How are you going to be the bread-winner when you’re paying for law school? What the fuck.
And that’s what makes their relationship so great. They lie to each other and keep lying and lying, and eventually end up lying to themselves that it is all going to work out, and it FUCKING DOES WORK OUT. They raise a beautiful family! And how do they do that?
They lie.
Watch The 40-Year-Old Virgin
This one is less about me and more about my brother. Whenever he had a new girl come over the house when I was younger, he’d always ask them, “Hey, you ever see The 40-Year-Old Virgin?” to which the girl would usually reply, “No, I haven’t,” and then they would start to watch it.
At that point, my big brother would send me away, and roughly a half hour later — which was strange, because the film has a runtime of 133 minutes — the girl would leave in a hurry, a look of disappointment on her face, and my brother would ask me if I wanted to play Halo 2 on Xbox.
Okay, I guess this one isn’t really relationship advice. Moving on.
Stop Jerking Off into Your Socks
Just don’t do it. If you want to be in a committed relationship, you are going to have to give up some things. Masturbating into your socks is one of those things.
You’re not in college anymore. You don’t need to do that. She won’t think it’s cute and quirky; she’ll think you’re a fucking psycho. Why are you jerking off into your socks? What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re 26 years old.
Your girlfriend has a perfectly good pair of socks sitting in her dresser, and she would be insulted if you didn’t use hers. A relationship is about sharing. You need to show her you understand that.
Recognize Her Worth Before She Does
This is key. If you know you have a winner — a beautiful, funny, smart, quirky, charming, listens-to-Weezer, hates-Zach-Braff type girl — you just can’t lose someone like that. LOCK HER UP. LOCK HER UP NOW. DO IT. QUICK.
You need her to fall in love with you before she realizes her own self-worth and comes to terms with the fact that she doesn’t need a man in her life, let alone shitty ol’ you.
If she’s a 10/10 inside and out but treats herself like a 5/10, LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN. Buy her flowers. Be nice to her. Find out her favorite song and hum it when you know she’s paying attention, and then she’ll be like “Is that ‘99’ by Barns Courtney?’ And you’ll be like, ‘Oh yeah? You know it?’”
Is this manipulative and a little evil? Of course it is. But time is wasting. You have Y-Linked Scumbag Disorder and any time you spend not falling in love further increases the chances of you being alone forever and dying a sad old man.
Find Out What Water Tastes Like
Someone once said that explaining why you love someone is like explaining what water tastes like. I agree 100% with this assertion.
I present to you this scenario:
Your girlfriend is a sharer. She loves sharing food, because it lessens the weight of her decision of what to eat. A lot of times you’ll order something, and she’ll order something, and the plan will be to split it. You’re not a fan of this, but you’ll do it, because, duh, love.
So you order the lemon chicken with rice pilaf — the picture looks delicious on the menu, and you’re excited, even for a half portion of it.
And what does she order? Well, she’s feeling adventurous. There are so many good options! The salmon? Steak? A pasta dish?
Nope. She orders the horseshit salad with cum dressing.
So you get your meals and she tries the lemon chicken before she even touches the horseshit salad. She really likes it. Like, really likes it. She wants to eat all of it, but knows you had a deal. So she asks — so innocently, like a cute little puppy nudging your leg for another treat — “Hey, babe, I got an idea… What if… now, hear me out… What if I finish the chicken, and you eat the salad? Would that be okay?”
So what do you do? You could say no, and split the meals, as was originally planned. But she looks so damn happy eating that chicken. Are you really going to stomp all over her good time? Or, since it’s 2019, do you not have to do nice things for your girlfriend anymore? What are the rules? What is proper etiquette? What do you do?
I’ll tell you what you do: You eat the horseshit salad. And you drink the cum dressing.
That’s what water tastes like.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here.
