My iPhone Broke Because I Didn’t Have An Erection

WARNING: I talk about my wiener in this post.

(Image/Labman)

This might sound like the ultimate #FirstWorldProblem but I recently dropped my phone in the toilet and have been relegated to using my brother’s old iPhone 4s. It operates on 3G — the slowest of the Gs — and PokemonGo keeps kicking me off the app. Timehop doesn’t even work.

I had an iPhone 5 since September 2012 and it was a bit slow, but for the most part it worked just fine. But now it is all waterlogged and no amount of rice is going to fix it. It’s forever dead.

Here’s how it happened:

I didn’t get home from work until 3:30am, and I was expected to be back in NYC by 9am for another shift. This meant that I had to wake up at 6am in order to catch my bus from Jersey.

With barely two hours of sleep, I woke up and zombie-walked to the bathroom. I sit when I pee in the morning because standing and aiming are too hard when I’m still half-asleep.

On the toilet, I began my typical morning routine: scroll through Twitter, check Facebook, read/delete some emails, wish I was still sleeping, etc. It was just like any other day. I was even kind of excited to start watching Stranger Things at work during an easy Friday shift.

Then it happened. I had been sitting on toilets with my phone for nearly four years and I never even considered the possibility of dropping it. I always thought I had adequate grip strength from all of the gripping I had done up until that point in my life. Apparently, I was mistaken.

My phone slowing slipped out of my hands and that asshole gravity took over. I reacted as quickly as I could and did the only thing I could think of. I pressed my pelvis up against the front of the toilet, attempting to catch my phone in the safety net that was my penis.

Unfortunately, my flaccid penis was no match for the weight of an iPhone 5. It flapped down like a trap door and sent my phone to the abyss of the toilet.

I grabbed it and cleaned it off, but the damage was already done. My iPhone was K.I.A.

Looking back at it now, I recognize two factors that led to my phone’s demise.

#1: I was tired. More tired than usual. If I work a morning shift, I typically get around five to six hours of sleep. However, on this dreadful night, I only got a little over two hours. By cutting my sleeping time by more than half, my motor skills (gripping my phone) and reaction time (catching my phone) seriously suffered. Perhaps if I was more rested, I would have avoided this whole fiasco.

#2: My flaccid penis. Most mornings, I wake up with an erection, or at least a healthy chub. For some reason, possibly due to the fact that my penis was just as tired as I was, there was no chub at all on this Friday morning. It was like I took an ice bath with Mama June. Lake Flaccid. If I had been erect, my penis wouldn’t have flapped down. It would have been able to support my phone, kind of like some magical penis bridge, or the life nets you see when the people who make iPhones get sad and jump out of buildings. My lack of an erection cost me my iPhone 5, and I have to live with that.

Of course I haven’t learned my lesson, and I still use my iPhone 4s on the toilet. However, now I’m much more careful. I grip extra hard, and I’ll cross my legs and block all points of entry into the bowl.

I’m not betting my phone’s fate on whether I’m hard or not. Not again.


Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.