Paul and Ted’s Excellent Trumpventure

A movie pitch. This would KILL at the box office.

What’s it about?

Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz team up to go back in time and convince Donald Trump’s mom to have an abortion. Yes, it’s against their ideals, but so is supporting a 70-year-old sun-dried orange peel. While Paul Ryan stays on task, Ted Cruz takes a detour to 1963, where he finds his father complicit in the assassination of JFK. Distraught, Cruz loses his mind and goes on a murder spree in the San Francisco Valley and surrounding California areas.

The audience

Literally everyone. Republicans. Democrats. Who wouldn’t want to see this? Conservatives will flock to theaters either in support of Ryan and Cruz’s cause or in defense of Trump. Liberals will go just because they love to see the Republican Party burn.

The tone

It’s a buddy thriller-comedy, so expect things to be light and dark. The comedy comes in the beginning, when Ted and Paul decide to put their differences aside to stop the Trump train. They’re two bumbling fools who team up to put an end to another bumbling fool. Bumbling fools = comedy gold.

The thrills increase as the plot thickens. Can Paul Ryan convince Mrs. Trump to abort her child? Will Ted be able to stay focused even though he saw his dad plotting with Lee Harvey Oswald? How will all this affect the future? Does America even exist anymore?

The talent

Obviously, this will be directed by Oliver Stone. There’s no one else who should direct a movie like this. I myself will pen the script with the help of the guy who wrote Timecop if he’s still alive.

Ty Burrell as Paul Ryan

It will finally give this comic actor a chance to show off his more serious side. Also, Ty finally gets to play the straight man rather than the laughingstock. He’ll relish this opportunity.

Idris Elba as Ted Cruz

I know. I know what you’re thinking.

Idris Elba is 6'3 and Ted Cruz is only 5'10. But this is a movie. We can use some creative license. Once the audience sees Elba’s performance, I doubt those five inches will even matter. He was born to play this role.

Daniel Day-Lewis as Mrs. Trump

He’ll knock it out of the park. Simply put, Day-Lewis is the best actor in the world. He’ll probably win an Oscar for this role, and he’ll totally deserve it. Should Mrs. Trump have the abortion? Should she trust Paul Ryan? She’s a tragic character, and nobody plays tragic characters like the guy who played Lincoln.

Donald Trump as Donald Trump

This will be easy. It’s only a cameo in the beginning of the film, and nobody pretends to be Donald Trump better than the real Donald Trump. He would nail it. It’ll be huuuuuuge for him.

In conclusion

I can already hear my phone blowing up with calls from studios who want to buy this idea. Don’t pass on it. You’ll regret it more than anything you’ve ever regretted before.


Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.