Raiding Area 51: The Do’s & Don’t’s
If you’re going to do something stupid, at least be prepared.
Do — Wear sunscreen
Nevada is hot and there’s not much coverage from the sun. If the thousands of rounds of ammunition don’t get you, melanoma will be the real killer. If it’s anything under 30 SPF, it might as well be cooking oil.
Don’t — Make a playlist
Hundreds of thousands of people will be attending. I’m sure somebody else is going to make a dank ass playlist for your enjoyment. We want the aliens to have the best first impression of us, and I just don’t think “Old Town Road” playing 100,000 times with a half-second delay is the way to do that.
Do — Bring a light snack
I stress the word “light.” Maybe some granola. A LUNA Bar. Don’t eat anything that will weigh you down. Trust me. The last time someone told me to eat something light and I didn’t listen, I ended up vomiting all over my scuba instructor.
Don’t — Ask celebrities for their autograph
Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to be bothered. She’s there for the same reason you are: To storm Area 51 and meet some motherfuckin’ aliens.
Do — Make a group flag
If you’re going with friends, you should probably bring some type of identifying marker so the group knows where to rendezvous when things inevitably turn to shit. Think of this like a music festival, only instead of losing Alan in a mosh pit, you’re going to lose him in a spray of gunfire from the United States military.
Don’t — Fuck an alien
I know this is what everyone is thinking. “Oh man I can’t wait to bust into Area 51 and have sex with E.T.” First, you have to remember a few things, the most important being consent. Does the alien want to fuck you? Can the alien legitimately give affirmation if it does not understand Earth customs? I know humans — especially Americans — have a history of raping people from foreign lands, but maybe pump the brakes on this one.
The next thing you need to consider is feelings. Sex is a complicated subject that can often lead to heartbreak. It’s hard for some people to separate the emotional from the physical, as the two often become entangled in a clusterfuck of feelings we humans have come to call “love.” If you think your life is a mess now — between work, student loans, and your alcohol dependency — just wait until you fall in love with an alien that doesn’t call back.
*Note: If you do end up fucking an alien, remember to use protection. And by that, I mean bring a shield and armor for its claws and fangs, and wear a mask for the piping hot venom. Yes, that’s right. Aliens fuck weird.
Do — Pick up your trash
You’re not fighting the custodial staff at Area 51. Obviously things are going to get messy, but don’t make life any harder for them.
Don’t — Refuse a probing
If all goes according to plan and the aliens are freed, they might want to beam you up to their spaceship for some… tests. Whatever happens, remember to be gracious. It’d be rude to do anything but play along. In fact, you should feel honored. Seven billion people on this planet and they chose you to stick a metal wire so far up your ass it comes out of your mouth.
Do — Take pictures
This is a momentous event that can dramatically alter the course of history. Don’t be the nerd who just says they were there with no proof. Take pictures. Take videos. Snapchat it. Realistically, you should already know what your IG caption is going to be when you inevitably post a selfie of you and Gorglag.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here.