Reviews of National Parks on the MAGA Safe Space App

“[The app] hopes to offer a platform where Trump supporters can rate businesses based on whether they’re ‘safe’ for conservatives to visit.”— VICE

“63red Safe works like a conservative Yelp” — Daily Beast

Yellowstone National Park

“While visiting for Spring Break, my son and I found a baby bison — alone and freezing his little paws off! It wasn’t easy, but we eventually corralled him into the minivan and then to the Ranger Station so they could reunite him with his mama. The Park Ranger (noticing the Trump sticker on my Previa?) had the gall to yell at us…for doing his job for him!” (1 star)

Gates of the Arctic National Park and Preserve

If you like hunting for wolves AND you want to do it from a helicopter, you’re going to love Gates of the Arctic! The wolves can be hard to find, but there’s no better place in Alaska to hunt them. (I should know, I used to be the governor.)” (5 stars)

Denali National Park

Unfortunately, Denali is NOT a place you can feel safe wearing your MAGA hat without consequences. The legendary winds here (which can reach up to 188 mph) will blow it right off your head.” (2 stars)

Big Bend National Park

We fell in love with the stunning views during our hikes along the river canyon. My wife, who adores birds, spotted over 50 different species. The kids even saw a javelina! We can not say enough about this truly spectacular and unspoiled National Park along the Rio Grande.”#BUILDTHEWALL (5 stars)

World War II Valor in the Pacific National Monument

HARASSED FOR MY MAGA HAT!! The volunteer at the USS Arizona Memorial tells me ‘please take off your hat sir, you’re standing where over a thousand Marines and sailors died.’ Nice try Lib! I just took my pictures and went back to the cruise ship.” (1 star)

Zion National Park

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******* (5 stars)

Glacier National Park

Poor customer service! They refused to refund my $80 National Park Pass…even though the glaciers are waaaaay smaller than they were when I visited 22 years ago.” (2 stars)

Yosemite National Park

Taking the whole family south to Yosemite was a great choice — everywhere you look is an Ansel Adams photo! The wildlife is spectacular — the native subspecies of mule deer (really an intergrade of the Columbian black-tailed deer and the California mule deer) will walk right up to you. Todd, Track, and Piper all bagged bucks shortly after we parked!” (5 stars)

Joshua Tree National Park

Full disclosure: I have not actually been here. I just think it’s crap that my tax dollars go to a National Park named after an album Social Justice Warrior Bono made.” (0 stars)

Malheur National Wildlife Refuge

Spent 40 very tense days here. In the end, I realized that the real ‘Armed Standoff with the FBI’ were the friendships I made along the way.” (3 stars)

Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument

Land review of the Colt Mesa mine shows significant copper deposits as well as cobalt, zinc, nickel, and molybdenum. Sedimentary (sandstone) impedance minimal. Sampling suggests greater than .88% yields for copper (Cu) at the surface. Local troublemakers nothing the Blackwater boys can’t sort out. Recommend mining operations proceed without delay.” (5 stars)

Shenandoah National Park

Came for a F2F w/ fellow #QAnon re: missing Soros $, HRC ankle monitor, and Operation Jackrabbit (the “lost” Saudi dossier). Anyway, the meeting didn’t happen but since I was here I hiked the waterfall trail. I’m so glad I did. Caught a truly surreal view of the falls. Seriously! I had to ask myself, ‘is it plausible that what I’m looking at is actually real? Or does my mind just want it to be real, creating a cognitive bias that makes me more likely to interpret the evidence in a way that confirms my belief that this view is real?” (5 stars)

Olympic National Park

My sister and I spent a day exploring the park and stopped by a nearby cafe for dinner. I immediately got dirty looks for my red MAGA hat. No surprise, being here in liberal Washington state. After taking forever to seat us, our waitress took great pleasure in telling me how much she disliked my hat, and the “hate it has come to symbolize”. I was pretty steamed, obviously, but tried my best to remain calm. I explained to her my concerns about border security and my distaste for the D.C. political cesspool in general. I think she appreciated my attempts at civility, and we ended up having a very nice discussion about politics, shared values, and life in general. I’d venture to say we both saw things at least a little differently as a result. And get this! It turns out her daughter lives in Dayton (where I’m from), so we exchanged contact information and promised to get together during her next visit to Ohio. By this point, the cafe manager had made his way over to our table just to make sure everything was okay. I say “made his way”, because he seemed to somehow just appear at our table, effortlessly, in an instant. Our eyes met, and I was seduced by his presence in a way words cannot describe. We were married in a nearby meadow just before dusk. My immortal soulmate and I purchased a small home in Forks, WA and began our life together. Our love is eternal, but despite my desire to be closer to my family, he refuses to move to Ohio. I’m like “get me out of this rain, Orpheus!” Olympic NP is fine if you like Banana Slugs LOL.” (3 stars)

Grand Canyon

Don’t bother. In the span of ten minutes, I was harassed for exercising my constitutional right to open carry and my God-given right to hike without extra water.” (1 star)