Superman is a Terrorist

(Photo/DC Comics)
It’s a bird!
It’s a plane!
No, it’s Superman!
Flying directly at our building.
He isn’t slowing down.
Fuck.

Yes, Superman has saved lives. He’s a superhero. Hell, he even has the word “super” in his name! I’m not here to say Superman is evil. He no doubt has the best intentions. I’m just here to pose a simple question to all you folks out there:

Is it worth it to have Superman protect us?

This is a serious question. Everyone wants to feel safe, and, for some people, Superman provides that comfort. But I’m asking you to look deeper. If Superman lived in your town, how would you feel? Would you feel safe? Would you feel protected?

When do the costs outweigh the benefits? Have you ever seen Man of Steel? Superman tries his damn best to save the world, but leaves an entire city in the wake of his mistakes. Metropolis gets destroyed due to what can only be described as “accidental terrorism,” but terrorism nonetheless. It’s incompetence, really. Generally, incompetence is accepted (or even heralded by some political parties). However, when you can literally lift an oil rig and fly so fast you can bend space and time, incompetence becomes something much more deadly.

Sure, Superman wants to be a hero, but look at the facts. His existence itself puts the world in considerably more danger than any gang violence and thuggery could. If he just decided to fly into the sun when he was a boy, then maybe skyscrapers and city blocks wouldn’t be exploding on a monthly basis.

Remember 9/11? How awful that was? Now imagine the possibility of that happening every fucking day just because some asshole in a red cape can’t fly a few feet higher. Scientists estimate that the damage done in Man of Steel — in the third act alone — is equivalent to that of Nagasaki (or roughly fourteen 9/11s).

Now you might ask something like: But, Jared, what about the villains? What about Lex Luthor? Who would stop him?

Actually, you wouldn’t need to stop him. Regardless of which Lex story you’re going with, Superman is always the catalyst for Lex becoming the evil mastermind we know him as.

If Superman wasn’t around, Lex wouldn’t be constantly plotting to destroy the world. He’d probably grow up a rich and spoiled kid with serious self-esteem issues who would one day run for elected office, only to inevitably embarrass himself and cast shame upon his family name. Basically, Lex Luthor would be Donald Trump if not for the existence of Superman. That’s right. Donald fuckin’ J. Trump.

(Photo/moviepilot.com)

Lastly, let’s talk about Superman’s one weakness. How many times in his crime-fighting life has Superman been rendered powerless by the dreaded kryptonite he can’t seem to tolerate, but also can’t seem to get the hell away from? Does every single Superman adversary have access to kryptonite? And who spilled the beans and let the world know he was allergic to a rock? A rock! (And not even this rock.)

Imagine if all of Batman’s villains found out he had a deathly peanut allergy. They would lather up in peanut butter before any fight with the Caped Crusader. Batman would need a high-tech wristwatch that doubled as an EpiPen. Once your enemies find out your weakness, it evens the playing field. In Superman’s case, kryptonite brings him down to below-superhuman level. If he can’t swiftly pacify any bad guys, the fighting becomes prolonged and potentially brings down entire buildings at a time.

Maybe we do have an immigration problem in this country. But not from overseas or our Mexican neighbors. The biggest threat to our national security is some handsome alien who is too naive to realize “saving the world” does not mean bulldozing through buildings and killing thousands of innocent civilians, while racking up billions of dollars in damages. Damages that the city — and you taxpayers — are left cleaning up.

I leave you with a scenario:

You work in accounting on the 80th floor of some fancy building in Metropolis. You’ve had a rough morning, but, hey, it’s Friday, and the boss is buying everyone lunch. You take your break and indulge yourself, looking out the window at the beautiful Metropolis skyline. This was always your dream, to work in a big city like this, and to have such an amazing view. You think about all you’ve earned in your life — a beautiful family, a beautiful home — and all you’ve yet to accomplish — send your kids to college, start your own firm.

Suddenly, your daydreaming comes to a halt. A mid-air fistfight takes a detour through the building across from you, and the once astounding piece of architecture comes crashing down, along with thousands of innocent civilians. You cry for your fellow citizens, but breathe a sigh of relief. “It could have been me.”

But it’s not over. This “hero” comes flying back like a boomerang, gripping his nemesis in his palms. You stare out the window, awaiting the imminent impact. You think of your family. Your home. Your life. You wish you could see your loved ones at least once more before you go.

But you can’t. All you can see are the two assholes who are about to kill you, and you lose sight of who the “hero” in this situation is supposed to be.

Superman might have good intentions, but good intentions don’t always mean positive results. If he were a real superhero, he’d pack a suitcase and fly the hell out of the Milky Way. For the good of Metropolis. For the good of its citizens. For the good of mankind.

(GIF/Jaegermasters.tumblr.com)

Author’s note: I am completely ignorant of all facts, so if something in this piece seems wrong, feel free to respond and let me hear it! Thanks for reading!

Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.