Tammy Lahren Goes To Heaven
A fantastical adventure
Tammy Lahren lived a long, radical, hate-filled life — the kind of life Hitler only dreamed of living. At the ripe (and rotten) old age of 93, she breathed her last breath, recalling that one time — the happiest moment of her life — when she called the black bus boy at Denny’s lazy and told him he should have gone to college.
Tammy Lahren was dead, and a small subgroup on Facebook greatly mourned the loss of “that old conservative chick who used to look good and talk fast.”
There was a fleeting moment of darkness. Tammy’s soul recognized this as the end, fearing that the Heaven she dreamed of was nothing but a myth, and she would be floating in actual perpetual emptiness — unlike the figurative perpetual emptiness in which she lived most her life — forever.
But alas! Her eyes popped open. She was reborn as her younger self, in her prime, when she was a constant source of disinformation and she could always go to bed knowing she was making the world a badder place.
Her youthful hue lit up the stairway in front of her, and she ascended to the top.
At the top, she reached what could only be described as the afterlife’s equivalent of the DMV. Multiple lines stretched as far as the eyes could see, connecting to the Pearly Gates that would ultimately lead to God's Kingdom.
As her impatient self, Tammy walked directly to the front, aggressively approaching the counter and cutting off a woman in a hijab in the process.
“Excuse me, what’s going on here?” Tammy demanded answers.
The worker took a breath and monotonously stated, “Ma’am, if you want to get into Heaven, please take a walk to the end of the line. Thank you.”
Tammy looked at the worker, and then at the woman in the hijab. The woman smiled, the corners of her mouth shaping a grin with the most sincerest of fuck you’s attached. Tammy shook her head and navigated herself to the back of the line.
She pouted, “This is ridiculous. Most of these people aren’t getting into Heaven, anyway, so they should get the hell out of line.”
Her words were not directed at anyone in particular, but they caught the attention of Henrietta, a black woman in line to Tammy’s left.
“What was that?” Henrietta turned sharply. “Do I hear a white girl complaining? Shit, even in Heaven I can’t get away from entitlement.”
Tammy snapped into character. “There’s a difference between work ethic and entitlement. I worked hard my whole life and I guarantee I worked harder than half the people here. Why do I have to wait in line behind most of these people who didn’t amount to anything because they didn’t try to amount to anything?”
Henrietta scoffed. “What the hell did you ever work for? I raised three kids and worked two jobs while my husband was in and out of the hospital for cancer treatment. Don’t tell me you deserve more than anyone here when you don’t know anyone here.”
“I’m Tammy Lahren. You probably remember me from Facebook and Fox News. I made an actual difference in this world. People looked to me for guidance.”
Henrietta sized up Tammy, unsure if she remembered her or not. “Hmm… Toni Logan… Doesn’t really ring a bell.”
“It’s Tammy Lahren.”
“Tammy… Tammy Lahren… Oh, I remember you!”
Tammy blushed, proud her legacy even reached the black community she often lambasted.
Henrietta continued, “Tammy Lahren! You’re that bitch who always used to say racist shit!”
Tammy’s head nearly exploded. “Whoa hold on, I’m not racist. Just because I spoke the truth and I wasn’t politically correct doesn’t mean I was racist.”
“Toni, I won’t be politically correct either when I say no way your racist bitch ass is getting into Heaven. Damn, you were a terrible person.”
“You’re so shortsighted and ignorant. I fought for the Constitution and conservative values.”
Henrietta laughed in Tammy’s face. “Tracy I don’t feel like arguing before I get into Heaven. Good luck, girl. You’re gonna need it.”
With that, Henrietta faced forward. Tammy had a lot of things to say, but nothing that could disprove all of Henrietta’s points. She stayed quiet and took several calming breaths. Typically, she would never let a black woman get the last word, but the wrong response could be the difference between Heaven and Hell — and Tammy knew that.
She finally reached the front of the line about three hours later, approaching the same worker that sent her to the back earlier. The worker sighed. “You again?”
Tammy smiled. “Yes, hi, I’m Tammy Lahren. I’m supposed to go to Heaven now.”
The worker input Tammy’s name in her computer and did some quick reading. Confusion crossed her face, which caused Tammy to panic. “Is something wrong, ma’am?”
“Well it appears you… Well, Ms. Lappin — ”
“ — Lahren.”
“Well, Ms. Lahren, it appears you aren’t scheduled to move into Heaven for another 100 years.”
“What? I’m dead. I’m dead and I’m a good Christian. This is where I belong now.”
The worker shook her head and pointed to the computer screen. “That’s not what it says here. You have a century stay in Purgatory first, and then we’ll give another look at your case.”
“Purgatory?!” Tammy was livid. “Listen, you lazy fatty. You’ve probably never done anything of value so you might not understand it, but I am the Tammy Lahren. Call your supervisor and get them down here right now because there’s clearly a mistake.”
“You really want to speak to my supervisor?”
“Yes. Right away. I demand it.”
The worker picked up the phone and dialed. She shut the window as Tammy tried to read her lips through the glass.
At this point, the people behind Tammy in line inched closer, agitated at the long delay. A chunky man with the odor of wet towels breathed down Tammy’s neck and muttered. “Stupid blonde bitch.”
Tammy turned toward the man, ready to fight. “What did you just say?”
“Well look at you. You’re complaining over here because you’re not getting your way. Didn’t get into Heaven? Boohoo! Grow up, snowflake.”
Tammy’s cheeks were red, and, if she was ever going to turn into a dragon and breathe fire — like she’d always dreamed of as a kid — this was going to be the time for that. “You know what? You… You’re just a big, big — ”
“ — Ms. Longman.” Tammy turned to see the worker signaling her.
“Yes, so what’s happening?” Tammy eagerly rushed to the service window.
The worker wrote something down on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to Tammy. “You have an interview for immediate placement in 10 minutes. Follow these directions to get there.”
“Well you don’t want to go to Purgatory it seems. So that leaves two options. Good luck. Next!” The worker brushed Tammy aside as the chunky man stepped forward, pleading his case for entrance to Heaven.
Tammy followed the directions on the scrap paper. It lead her away from the large crowds and to an office adjacent the Pearly Gates. Tammy knocked once and a booming voice answered, “Come in!”
Tammy slowly opened the door, secretly hoping God was willing to accept sexual bribes just in case things did not go over well. She was confident it would not be necessary, but she was still prepared to do what she had to do to become an angel.
She entered to see two figures sitting on one side of a conference table, across from an empty chair for herself.
“Welcome, Tammy,” said the man with the booming voice. “Take a seat. Let’s get to business.”
Tammy followed instructions, trying to look super cute as she politely sat down. She gave a flirty smile to the man, who was white with a chiseled face and especially pointy jaw. She thought, Is that God? He’s cute… Oh no! What if he can read my thoughts? Uh… Squirrels! Pineapples! Lasagna! World War II! LA LA LA LA LA!
To the man’s left was a black woman, who at first Tammy confused for Henrietta — mainly because Tammy’s ability to distinguish people of color was about as good as her ability to not sound like a squawking chicken when she spoke. Tammy immediately wrote off the black woman as God’s secretary. She quipped in her head, Well, I guess they have affirmative action in Heaven, too. LOL!
Tammy cleared her throat. “So why am I here? Why can’t I get into Heaven?”
The man laughed and nudged the woman. “Why don’t you take this one, G.”
The woman took a long, exhausted breath, then exhaled. “Well, Tammy, we just aren’t exactly sure where you belong. We see reasons for you to fit into both of our homes. But not enough solid reasons to definitely fit into one.”
Tammy shook her head in bewilderment. “Wait, what do you mean both of your homes? I’m going to Heaven, aren’t I? Who are you people?”
The man grinned. “Where are our manners? I guess we’ve been doing this for so long, we sometimes forget the formalities. I’m Satan, Lord of Darkness and Ruler of Hell.”
The black woman spoke up next. “And I’m God, Leader of the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Tammy’s heart sank. “Is this a joke?”
God tilted her head in curiosity. “Why would it be a joke?”
“No reason, no reason.” Tammy cursed herself. Now to get into Heaven she had to impress a member of the very community she’d been trying to oppress for her entire life. She didn’t appreciate this irony. It made her sick.
God began, “So we’ve been reviewing your records and there’s some promise but also a lot of doubt. Let me ask you, Tammy, why do you think you’d be a good fit for Heaven?”
“Well,” Tammy said, “I’ve been a good American my whole life, and I have always stuck to the values of the Constitution, and — ”
“ — I’m gonna stop you right there,” God chimed in. “This meeting isn’t about whether or not you were a good American. Your country of origin is irrelevant at this point. This is about if you were a good person.”
Tammy struggled with this thought. “Uh, well, I… I fought adamantly for life. I called out women who ended life prematurely and murdered babies.”
“They murdered babies? That’s not in the records…” God flipped through a folder.
Satan leaned back in his chair. “Murder? How exciting! What kind of murder was this?”
“Well many people, women specifically, thought it was okay to murder babies while they were still in the womb. They were sick, sick people,” Tammy said.
Satan sighed. “Oh…”
God was perplexed. “Wait, so what you’re describing is… abortion? Is that right?”
“Yes, the act of abortion,” Tammy concurred.
“So not legitimate murder?” Satan questioned. “Awh, man.”
“Abortion is murder. It says so in the Bible,” Tammy contested.
“Ugh.” God shook her head. “That book is fake news. Don’t pay attention to it. Spreading false information like that is how people start thinking it’s a sin to be gay or that I had my own son murdered.”
Tammy’s heart sank even further, as sweat accumulated on her brow.
“But I do enjoy how persistent you were in promoting hate against women like yourself, “Satan assured Tammy. “Shaming women for making a decision as tough as having an abortion is pretty evil. We can use someone with that type of mentality in Hell.”
Tammy gulped. “No, I mean, I wasn’t that hard on them. I just spoke what I believed.”
“And were you responsive to perspectives that differed from your own?” God asked.
“Yes! Very responsive. I love and respect all different opinions. Freedom of speech is very important to me.”
Satan groaned. “Ah, that’s not good, Tammy. We need you to be terrible and spew hateful rhetoric to make it in Hell.”
“But that type of attitude is good for Heaven,” God added. “So did you attend the historic Women’s March in 2017?”
“Well, uh…” Tammy froze.
Satan pounded his fists on the table. “It’s not a hard question, dammit. Did you attend or not?”
“No. I didn’t go.”
God nodded. “That’s okay, though. Maybe you were busy. How did you feel about it?”
“Well it…” Tammy began. “I thought it might have been divisive. And I thought the marchers were all cry babies who didn’t get their way.”
“Oh Tammy, that’s not good.” God hung her head.
Satan cheered. “Excellent. Calling something divisive is the number one way to increase divisiveness. You’re a real pro, Tammy.”
“No, I’m not!” Tammy argued. “I really don’t want to go to Hell. I belong in Heaven.”
God shook her head. “Unfortunately, that’s not your decision, Tammy. If you really wanted to go to Heaven, you would’ve been a better person when you were still alive. Instead, you spent 93 years filled with hate. You often judged people based on their race, religion, and sexual orientation. That type of behavior does not fly in Heaven.”
“In Hell it does!” Satan was ecstatic. “You’ll have a blast in Hell, Tammy, trust me. Everyone gets a gun. No gun control in Hell. Isn’t that what you want?”
“No, please, you don’t understand! Please, let me go to — ”
“ — So it’s settled. Effective immediately, Tammy Lahren will spend the rest of eternity residing in Hell, under the watch of Satan, Lord of Darkness.”
“No!” Tammy cried, no longer able to mask the deep-seated insecurities that defined her as a person throughout her lifetime. Her tough exterior was gone, and now there was nothing but a crying, whiny little girl, pretending this was all a nightmare, and that she would wake up as soon as it was all over.
But it was never over. Tammy was destined to live with Satan in Hell forever. Through her years, she got older and more callous, died, and then repeated her life cycle again and again. She grew used to the flames, and the torture, and the evil company, and the guilt.
Through all the lies Tammy used to exalt her fanbase and rile up her conservative crowd, she knew one truth to be self-evident:
This was exactly where she belonged.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.