The 13 Types of Donald Trump Supporters

Some of these people might seem familiar

(Photo/Business Insider)

They’re not all the same, no matter how much you think it. Every person who supports Donald Trump does so for his or her own reasons.

Below, you’ll find the 13 types of Trump supporters, with helpful examples for each category.

1. Haters

Examples: Richard Spencer, Stephen Miller, Sean Hannity

We’ll start with the obvious. Racists. Nazis. Xenophobes. We’ll throw homophobes and transphobes in there, too. They’ll all try to rationalize their hate, but it’s easy to translate what they’re actually saying: “I don’t want my daughter peeing next to a man” is asshole speak for “I don’t understand and don’t care to try to understand the complexities of gender identity and would rather stay ignorant to it,” while “Stand for the Anthem!” is asshole speak for “I don’t like it when black people are ungrateful and don’t just do what they’re told.”

For shit’s sake, Steve Bannon was a member of this administration at one point. If you can throw a white supremacist rally and have your President blame both sides, then he might just be the guy for you.

2. Proud Deniers

Examples: Your Uncle Craig, John Kelly, probably Ivanka Trump

They know deep down something is wrong with Trump, but won’t admit it for fear of being told “I told you so.” These deniers aren’t bad people. They’re just letting their pride get in the way of reason. It’s akin to sitting on the toilet shitting your brains out while still telling yourself that gas station pizza burrito was a good idea.

3. Ignorant Dads

Examples: My dad, your dad

If you’re like me, you have a dad who is ill-informed and says stupid shit just to piss your mom off. (Also, if you’re like me, you have a dad who didn’t go to your baseball games as a kid.)

4. Fans Of The Apprentice

Example: Eric Trump

Let’s face facts: Some people just really liked NBC’s The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice. They saw Donald J. Trump for what he originally was: a cartoon villain with a funny catchphrase. “You’re fired!” LOL, CLASSIC!

While Trump’s appeal wore thin for many people, some fans were never able to separate Trump the celebrity from Trump the politician.

5. “Well, At Least He’s A Republican”

Examples: Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence, Aunt Bernadine

These are the people the ghost of George Washington hates. He warned against the two-party system for a reason. When everything is political and elections turn into pissing contests to see which party citizens hate less, that’s how you end up with someone like Donald Trump. Some Republicans despise the president, but only see him as a way to push their party’s platform. That’s pretty fucking evil.

6. Child Molesters

Examples: Roy Moore, maybe that neighbor whose house my parents made me skip on Halloween

Now is a great time to be a child molester, big thanks to Donald J. Trump. You might even win a Senate seat in Alabama.

7. Slogan Suckers

Example: Most people on Facebook

These people aren’t the brightest, but they’re definitely the loudest. They’re the people who heard “Make America Great Again” and “America First” and fucking loved it. They cling to those slogans to this day, and, if you engage in a debate with them over their leader, odds are you will hear one or both of those phrases. #MAGA

8. Establishment Russians

пример: Сговор

This goes without saying. Whether just a fake Twitter account or Vlad Putin himself, these Russians love Trump.

9. Frat D-Bags

Example: That one kid I met at a bar last year who high-fived a guy wearing a MAGA hat

For some reason, Donald Trump had a tremendous effect on douchebags in fraternities. It’s possible this is because it was their first election voting and Donald Trump’s charisma sucked them in. Or maybe they liked how Trump bragged about grabbing women by the pussy. Or maybe it was just that really cool red hat. Frat douchebags love hats.

Either way, I know a lot of frat d-bags, and they’re all ardent Trump supporters. (Now, whether they actually voted is another story. I doubt they were able to wake up, sober up, remove their brothers’ fists, and make it to a polling location in time.)

10. ISIS

Example: Abu Nazir (okay, this is the bad guy from Homeland. I actually don’t know any terrorists)

Sadly, this is true. The more Trump antagonizes the Muslim community by spewing hateful, xenophobic rhetoric, the more recruitment material terrorist organizations like ISIS have. They probably have a Trump mural at ISIS headquarters in appreciation for all his help.

11. Sexists

Example: Men

If you genuinely hate women and think they belong nowhere near a position of power, look no further than Donald Trump as your fearless leader. His past history of degrading women was a big plus for this group of supporters. Also, did you hear this guy grabs women by the pussy? #TrumpTrain

12. Gun People

Example: Wayne LaPierre and the NRA

These are the people who convinced Americans that Obama wanted to take their guns. There was a mass shooting not too long ago and Trump already forgot about it. With every mass shooting — and with every “thoughts and prayers” tweet from Trump — the NRA and gun manufacturers grow more powerful.

13. Selfish People

Example: Your boss who seems like a good dude but just doesn’t look at things from a broader perspective, Paul Ryan (again)

You might be a Trump supporter reading this and thinking to yourself, “Hey, I don’t fit into any of these categories.” First, look back and read again. Are you sure you’re not racist? Are you my dad? Well, if you don’t fit into any of the above groups, then this group is for you.

You’re just plain selfish. You voted for Trump because his policies would benefit you (or, rather, you thought his policies would benefit you). Maybe you’re rich and want a tax cut. Maybe you’re a coal miner clinging to a dying field of work. Maybe, if Dreamers aren’t deported, it’ll negatively affect your job outlook. Maybe you’re a big oil executive and eco-friendly regulations are ruining your profits. Whatever your reasons, you support Trump because he helps you, even if that means he is hurting millions of others.

And that’s fine. It is your American right to support who you want for your own selfish reasons. It’s okay to be selfish. I don’t hold the door open for people if I’m in a rush. I guess that’s kind of the same as voting for someone who will help me and a small percentage of people, right?

However, when you look at some of Trump’s supporters— racists, Nazis, sexists, child molesters, ISIS — and don’t vehemently speak out against them, don’t be mad when onlookers think Trump supporters are all the same.

Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here.