The Axis of Douchebaggery: Judging the Remaining Republican Candidates

Photo/ABC News

Let it be said outright that I am not a Republican. Frankly, I disagree with most of the things Republicans say, and I find it hard to fathom how some voters are cheesin’ so hard for conservatism.

However, as a believer in the democratic process, I also believe that each candidate deserves a fair shot and deserves to be heard.

With that being said, I will outline the strengths and weaknesses of each remaining Republican candidate (and two recently “expired” candidates). What advantages do these men bring to the table? What are they lacking? Who should you vote for?

Let’s get to it.

Photo/Business Insider

Jeb! Bush

Candidate Status: Gone Fishin’


  • Easily the most qualified of the candidates
  • There are already a couple of “President Bush” nameplates made for the oval desk, so that could save the government some money
  • As far as foreign policy, Jeb! probably has a great plan to deal with the Russians, but he is just too soft-spoken to tell us what it is
  • His wife is Spanish or something, so, like, that should help with the Latino vote, right?
  • Has the rare ability to get people to clap by telling them: “Please clap”


  • Jeb! actually dropped out of the race to focus on other, non-Donald Trump related things
  • He has a cue card tattooed on his left hand that reads “No, my brother did not do 9/11” to remind him how to respond if ever asked about his brother’s involvement in the attacks
  • Is not a very good liar
  • Comes off as the smarter brother, but apparently completely incapable of rigging an election

Should you vote for this poor schlub?

No, probably not. Jeb! was last seen packing a bag for Wisconsin, where it can be assumed he’ll live out on a farm and die peacefully. He filed paperwork to officially change his name from the overconfident “Jeb!” to the more fitting “Jeb?”


Ted Cruz

Candidate Status: Cruzin to a nomination, perhaps?


  • In the late 60s and early 70s, he perpetrated at least five murders in the San Francisco Valley area of California, and effectively covered it up for over 40 years
  • He was a lawyer, which means he’s legally allowed to be a smug douchebag
  • Ted actually has a wicked sense of humor, constantly dropping knee-slapper after knee-slapper on the American public, such as this one: “The problem with climate change is there’s never been a day in the history of the world in which the climate is not changing.”
  • And who could forget this one: “The Obama economy is a disaster. Obamacare is a train wreck. And the Obama-Clinton foreign policy of leading from behind. The whole world is on fire!”
  • His mixed Canadian-American heritage affords him the uncanny ability to feign compassion while actually not giving two shits about whatever plight he claims to be fighting for


  • A very hazy foreign policy, in which he promises to pray for “divine intervention” in the Middle East. When asked to clarify, Ted simply smirked and pointed up toward the ceiling, whispering, “If I tell you, it might not come true”
  • A problem with miscommunication. He thinks God told him to run for president, when God actually just reminded him to pay his rent
  • Rumors have surfaced that Mr. Cruz is actually just an aborted fetus, whose would-be mother was a surrogate for a homosexual couple. If true, this will hurt his numbers with Evangelicals
  • Utter the phrase “John Roberts” and Ted is rendered powerless
  • God made him out of leftovers from Dracula

Should you vote for this wacko bird?

It’s your call. He’s a Bible-toting conservative’s wet dream, but the problem is conservatives can’t have wet dreams because then they feel guilty and have to say ten Hail Marys.

Ted Cruz is also Canadian, which means once he turns 50, he needs to return to the Motherland and embark on an eight year trek through the Albertan wilderness in search of the lost Canadian Scrolls of Gideau.

Photo/Red Alert Politics

John Kasich

Candidate Status: I’m not fucking leaving!”


  • Johnny Politics, as he’s called, is clearly the most adult one out of the group. He stays away from bickering and focuses solely on the issues. It’s really quite noble of him
  • He balanced the budget as Governor of Ohio, balanced the budget when he was in D.C., eats a balanced breakfast every morning, and can balance a spinning basketball on the tip of his index finger
  • Consistently at the top of the polls for GOP candidates you least want to punch in the face
  • Touts the support of the Governator himself, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • Reminds everyone of the substitute teacher you kind of feel bad for because he can’t control the class


  • Has a Planned Parenthood voodoo doll on his dresser that he violently defunds every night before he goes to bed
  • Actually very conservative, but the craziness of this GOP-candidate crop makes him seem like a moderate
  • Every time he lies about attending a gay wedding, he loses six months off of his life
  • Couldn’t even stop his daughter from going to prom with a black boy, so how do conservatives expect him to be a strong Republican president?

Should you vote for this calm Ohioan?

Yes, if that’s your sort of thing. He’s actually polling better than Hillary nationally, so he could potentially become president if he ever makes it to the general election. Chances are that won’t happen, though. Like Jeb!, poor Johnny Politics is too quiet to attract a majority of the GOP vote.

Photo/Red Alert Politics

Marco Rubio

Candidate Status: Out of our lives forever (or until 2020)


  • My mom thinks he’s “cute” and “non-threatening,” which is how my girlfriend’s father always describes me
  • He has memorized every single response his writers have ever thrown at him
  • For good measure, he keeps a joke book in his pocket at all times, just in case he needs to deliver any zingers to fire up a crowd
  • His ethnic name makes Latinos take a second look before not voting for him
  • Suckles at the teet of the mighty GOP establishment, which gives him boosted conservative strength


  • Chris Christie
  • Donald Trump’s stubby hands
  • Was born “Marcus Rubinowitz” to Polish parents in Brooklyn. Latino voters do not know this and still refuse to support the senator
  • Suffers from debilitating inflammation of his tonsils, which leads to constant choking
  • Hasn’t watched the fourth season of House of Cards, but tries to play it off like he has

Should you vote for this “Cuban” child?

No. He officially suspended his campaign last week, while the GOP suspended Marco’s campaign months ago. They just didn’t have the heart to tell the poor little fella.


Donald Trump

Candidate Status: Still cookin’ like a hunky piece of Trump Steaks


  • When he was 6 years old, he heard the following phrase from one of his father’s friends: “I’m made of rubber and you’re made of glue, whatever bounces off me sticks to you and also white people are the dominant race on this planet and the planet is perfectly fine if not for the Chinese-invented climate change and Muslim terrorists.” Trump has lived by this mantra, and crowds admire his brashness
  • Has a lot of money, I guess
  • He has a pack of supporters he’s willing to sick on any protestor who tries to exercise his or her First Amendment rights
  • Is physically just a ball of meat assembled into human form, so he can take the shape of a crazy conservative or radical liberal, whichever he finds advantageous at any given time
  • Prior to his presidential run, he exposed himself to highly concentrated doses of forward thinking and humility and has built up an immunity to both


  • Rational thought.
  • Literally doesn’t understand why people find him repulsive
  • Cannot correctly identify Syria on a map, but can correctly identify his daughter’s clitoris
  • Has countless times confused the words “president” and “supreme overlord of the universe”
  • His short, stubby fingers are probably not long enough to dial on the Oval Office desk phone. This limitation cannot be overlooked
  • Has been calling his wife “Melanie” for the duration of their marriage, which Melania thinks is “close enough”

Should you vote for this sunburnt orange peel?

Obviously, Trump does appeal to voters, but not the types of voters who read intellectual thought pieces on Medium (or read in general).

Admittedly, it would be entertaining to see Donald J. Trump as the leader of the free world, so if you don’t have cable and need some excitement in your life, voting Trump might be the way to go.

So go ahead, vote for Trump. Fuck it. The world is on fire, anyway.

Pick Your Poison

So there you have it. Each candidate has pros and cons, and each candidate is electable (or unelectable) in his or her (just his, actually) own way.

If you’re a Republican voter, you have options: The Zodiac killer. A gentile Ohioan. A pretend Spanish high school sophomore. A discount clown halfway done with hair and makeup. And, of course, who could forget Jeb? (Except, you know, all of America.)

Are all of these guys douchebags? Yeah, probably, but that only makes your decision more important. You have to look deep inside yourself and answer this loaded question:

Which douchebag best represents the Republican Party?