The Case for Fun Control

Sometimes the truth hurts.

America is not a perfect place. I am an American, and I’ve been an American for 21 years. During my time here, I’ve noticed several problems with this imperfect union of ours. The ongoing fight for equality, the consistently inconsistent economy, growing racial tensions, distrust of law enforcement, a broken two-party political system — it’s all overwhelming for a soon-to-be college graduate.

But one problem overshadows the rest. One national issue I cannot accept is the obsession I consider the most dangerous threat to our nation’s future:

FUN.

That’s right. Fun. Simply put, fun is a dangerous thing, and we need to take a serious look at how we as a country handle it. Fun kills people. All the time. Don’t you read the news?

“But, Jared, the problems with fun stem from just a few rotten eggs. The actions of the few should not affect the rights of the many.”

Okay.

“A majority of law-abiding U.S. citizens are more than capable of having fun.”

Although this may be true, the question I pose in return is this:

Is it worth risking the lives of other people just so you can have a little fun?

When the Chinese invented fun in the 13th century, they did so out of necessity. They needed fun to survive and move forward. (Also, they were fucking barbarians.) We don’t need fun anymore — not like the Chinese and our Founding Fathers did.

I believe the famous quote goes: “If you outlaw fun, then only the outlaws will have fun.”

This brings me to my next question:

Why is it so fucking easy for people to have fun when they shouldn’t be allowed to have fun?

The United States government is divided on this issue. President Barack Obama wants to clamp down on fun and institute stricter policies regarding the possession of and ease of access to the commodity. Other politicians — such as Texas Senator Ted Cruz — oppose any type of fun control. In 2013, Cruz even spoke out against Obama’s policies, saying: “[The President] is feeling right now high on his own power and he is pushing on every front, on fun.”

So, what’s next? Legislators and government officials can’t seem to find common ground on the idea of fun and the danger it poses to our country. Citizens are no closer to reaching a solution that serves everyone’s interests.

There is a clear problem in America. People who shouldn’t have fun somehow keep popping up and having fun all over the place, not only harming themselves but many others.

Is all of this fun-having preventable?

Literally no other country has this problem.

At least not to this scale. The United States dwarfs most other countries in regards to fun violence. The following chart illustrates the terror to which fun can lead:

(via the Fun Violence Archive)

These statistics are shocking. In just 2014 alone, more than 12,000 people were killed by fun, and more than 23,000 people were hurt. What about the children? Must they continue to be casualties of our stubbornness?

In 2012, the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime calculated the estimated total deaths by fun over the course of recent history. The stats are jarring, to say the least.

Nearly 30 million people have been killed by fun in America. As for our friendly neighbors to the north, only about 5 million. If those stats don’t show evidence of a major problem, then I don’t know what will.

Even if we took measures that would save one more life, wouldn’t it be worth it? Don’t think so? What if it’s your life, or someone you care about?

Imagine someone coming into your office and having fun.

Or in your local movie theater.

Your local park.

Your kid’s school.

It’s a serious subject. Lives are being lost because we are not doing enough to stop this. And, while we wait, more people are going to be killed because there is not enough fun control in America.

I don’t have the answers. I only have questions and a serious concern. But I’m at least trying to get most of us on the same page so we can realize the issue and start to correct it.

See this cute kid? This was me. I was once innocent and didn’t even know that fun was dangerous. I just thought fun was something in movies. I thought fun was cool.

But now I know otherwise. I plan on having a family one day, and I have many friends who plan on having families, too. For our sake, and the sake of our great country, I hope that we can come together and do what we can to stop fun. We can’t let fun ruin America anymore.

And that’s the truth.

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