The Heart of Letting Go
It’s time to heal your inner Tina Belcher
Hey-yo, everybody it’s SUMMERTIME!!! Or, as I like to call it, Cancer ♋ season! Whoot Whoot! And while Father Time continues to roll up on me like the creepy old guy at the club, I’ve been ducking his advances by Marie Kondo-ing the load of my proverbial protective shell. This is a big deal, people, because Cancers are known for holding onto everything with a ninja-powerful kung fu grip. When I last took inventory, I logged in three full bags of unwanted shoes, clothing, and purses, two boxes of full of useless old papers, 20 pounds of excess body weight, and one toxic situationship that were all long overdue for deletion. Ironically, the one thing I have trouble holding on to for very long is a proper grudge. That’s why there are only two positions held by the people I allow into my inner circle:
- Worthy of my undying love and devotion; and
- Dead to me
All too often I allow some bonehead to weasel his way into position #1 until they treat it with such disrespect I have to demote them to position #2. And, because I’ve spent so long giving them a false sense of importance, they don’t ever see it coming. It’s my own goddamn fault for giving them too many chances to fuck up, to begin with.
Letting go of a person who no longer brings you joy is a lot more traumatizing than discovering you’ve outgrown your favorite pair of comfortable old jeans. It’s more like watching them suddenly get up and walk away without you. Because people, by definition, are messy, I’ve examined this situation in terms of losing a precious object that becomes irreparably damaged. Furthermore, after innumerable hours of studying human behavior by binge-watching episodes of Bob’s Burgers, I’ve illustrated my findings using Tina Belcher gifs. No one understands our trauma the same way Tina does. We stan a relatable, dysfunctional queen.
Imagine someone gave you a beautiful vase. It is very expensive and over time, it amasses a great deal of sentimental value. You frequently fill it with fresh flowers, and even when it’s empty you place it predominantly on the center of your shelf. One day you notice a large crack in your vase. You may have been a little careless with it, or maybe someone knocked it over while you weren’t looking. Either way, you hadn’t noticed the crack before now. The next time you put flowers in it, it begins to leak. The crack continues getting larger until eventually a large piece breaks off and fall unto to the floor. How does your inner Tina Belcher react?
Suppress the Darkness
Toss the whole thing in the trash and sweep the area thoroughly for shards. Maybe take the trash to curb immediately just to get the whole mess out of your sight. Add some new items to fill in the empty space. There’s something wrong with all the other vases you’ve thought about buying. None of them seem worth the money. A new vase on that shelf will only remind you of the old one you liked better. Shelves are dumb anyway. Maybe a flat screen TV would work better there instead. Pretty soon you’ll forget all about the vase and that you used to buy flowers. “You don’t need a vase,” you repeat to yourself. “You don’t need a vase. YOU DON’T NEED A VASE!!!” *Angrily sweeps all the new shit off the shelf and storms out the room.*
Shingle All The Way
A person who shingles won’t get rid of one thing unless they know another thing is already waiting to replace it. Just like shingles on a roof, their ass is always covered. You don’t have time to do a lot of comparison shopping. Just replace that broken vase with the one you ignored when you didn’t have a good place for it. If anyone asks you what happened to the old vase, you can act like you barely remember it existed. I mean, the old vase was a nice vase while it lasted, but after it broke, what did they expect you to do? Wait around for someone to bring you a new one? This new vase is. . . nice. Sure, it’s a little bit, um . . . weirder than the last one . . . but it’s nice. Anything to get rid of that wide empty space up on the shelf.
Protect and Preserve
Pick up the broken piece and glue it back together. You’ll have to repair it again later because you didn’t read the directions. Try a different brand of glue when the piece falls off again. It still leaks and the glue is messy and visible, but you can’t throw it away. You’ve had that vase for years and it’s simply irreplaceable. Does it matter if it’s purely decorative? No one can see the cracks if they don’t look too closely. Nothing to see here, folks, move along. Oh, someone brought you flowers? How lovely! You used to have a vase around here somewhere. I guess you could put them in the martini pitcher until you come up with something better.
Copy and Paste
You would go out and buy the exact same vase if you could. Unfortunately, you’ve had it so long the manufacturer discontinued the style. They do have another one the same size, in a similar color, and the same general shape. Aside from a few minor details, it’s basically the same as the old one. You’ll take much better care of it this time. It’s not your fault you have particular tastes in your decor. You didn’t even want to buy a new vase, you only wanted the old one not to be broken. The only problem is, your new vase is so similar to the old one, it starts to crack in the same exact spot a few months later.
Scorched Earth Defeatism
See? This is why we can’t have nice things. From now on, everything we bring into the house is unbreakable. Wood, hard metal, rubber, and possibly a few durable burlap throw cushions. What were you thinking? Fresh cut flowers are a total waste of money. You can put them in water and use as much plant food as you want, and they’re still going to be dead in a couple of days. You put a cheap, nondescript plastic jar where your lovely vase used to be. It holds a few leaky pens, some chopsticks from ordering Chinese take-out, and the collection of free toothbrushes handed out by your dentist’s office. At times, you’ve wistfully pondered about buying some new glasses for all that bourbon you’ve been drinking, but then you decide it’s just not worth the risk.
Don’t beat yourself up if you’ve allowed your inner Tina take over for the moment. We call these behaviors “coping mechanisms” for a reason. There are lots of ways you can start healing your inner Tina today. Think about your broken vase again; only this time, what do you think would happen if you:
- Allowed yourself to feel sad about the loss and stopped blaming yourself for unforeseeable events?
- Received a new vase as a gift that was even more beautiful than the last one?
- Accepted that some beautiful things still have flaws or get broken but the joy they bring may be worth the risk?
- Smashed your vase into tiny pieces and reused them to create a brand new work of art?
- Planted seeds in your garden so you’d always have fresh flowers in abundance?
Or, if your inner Tina has made a total mess of things, you may want to look into hiring a professional cleaning crew. All I know for sure is that Tina has a great big heart and she only wants the best for you. So, go out there and get to work! The summer is no time to be holding onto a pile of dead weight.
So back up off me, Father Time. Tomorrow, I got to go shopping for a new vase. My old one is hella broke and the flowers in it been dead for ages. The only thing me and my inner Tina will be doing for the rest the of summer is checking out the boys with the cutest butts. That, and finishing up my, er, “research” from the couch. These programs aren’t going to just start watching themselves, people. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.
