Trump vs. Hillary: On the Issues

Where do the candidates actually stand?

(Photo/RawDog69)

This is it. The conventions are finally over. After a few more months of Twitter jabs, Donald J. Trump and Hillary Clinton will go toe-to-toe on stage for some debates. While we expect there to be much name-calling and nasty one-liners, there will also (hopefully) be a lot of policy talk.

These two candidates campaigned on two very different platforms, but sometimes their ideas were lost to the media’s fascination with plagiarized speeches, Scott Baio, and pantsuits.

It’s important for people to understand what exactly these two candidates believe in. Otherwise, how will the public make an informed voting decision?

That’s why I’m here. What follows are direct quotes from Trump and Hillary to illustrate how they differ on some key issues.

Immigration

Donald Trump: “Yeah, we’re gonna build a wall. A big, beautiful wall that’s going to be big and beautiful. It’s gonna be like my daughter Ivanka, only she isn’t big. She’s petite and skinny like a guy would want. But the wall won’t be skinny. It’ll be big. Big and beautiful. And we’re gonna put a big and beautiful door right in the middle and let all the good-behavior Mexicans through. Legally!”

Hillary Clinton: “America is a melting pot, and immigrants are what make this country great. We aren’t going to build a wall. We will build a bridge and create a pathway to citizenship. But it won’t be a real bridge. What I am speaking about is a figurative bridge. A bridge that is real but not real, but a bridge that immigrants can walk across without actually going over an actual bridge.”

Gun Control

Donald Trump: “Obama wants to take your guns. Crooked Hillary wants to take your guns. I don’t want to take your guns. Nearly all research suggests that guns make us safer and more prepared for an attack. If elected president, I will make sure everyone can have a gun. No more restricting our… third? Uh… second! I mean second! No more restricting our Second Amendment right!”

Hillary Clinton: “Nearly 86% of people — Dems and Republicans — agree that we need stricter background checks in this country. No one should be able to walk through the town fair at Mulberry Street — which is something I do for fun because I, too, am human like to enjoy myself — and purchase a firearm. That’s bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Donald Trump: “Terrible, terrible film. The whole movie, this poor guy just wants to do the right thing and make the world a greater place, but then these so-called ‘heroes’ come along and throw him in jail. Now, I heard Lex Luthor was based off me. Is it true? Probably a little, yeah. But the only difference is that I wouldn’t end up in jail. And you can tell him I said that myself… Oh, it’s a movie, that’s right. Still, tell him.”

Hillary Clinton: “Did I enjoy the newest movie in the DC Universe? That’s a great question. It might just be the best question I’ve ever been asked in my 40-plus years of public service. I know that this movie was definitely a film I saw, and I understand reviews are mixed. Batman is my favorite superhero, but Superman is also a superhero who is my favorite. And what about the strong women in the film? Lois Lane is a woman. Supergir — I mean, Wonder Woman — is also a woman who is in this film. I enjoyed it, but I also can see how people might have not liked it.”

Chipotle

Donald Trump:I don’t eat Chipotle. Why eat Chipotle when Trump Tower makes the greatest burrito bowls this side of the Rio Grande?”

Hillary Clinton: “Yes, Chipotle. What can I say about Chipotle that hasn’t been said already? It’s definitely a food chain that many people enjoy. I eat Chipotle sometimes for lunch or dinner pending on what my ordinary human schedule permits.”

Terrorism

Donald Trump: “I’ll knock ISIS out. We’ll send them packing, for sure. They don’t even want their women to show skin. What’s a woman supposed to do if she can’t show skin? I bet there are beautiful women in the Muslim community — maybe not Ivanka-beautiful, but at least Tiffany-beautiful — but no one knows because of those masks and rags they wear. Saving those women and bringing them into the real world is all part of the plan to eliminate ISIS.”

Hillary Clinton: “This is a very sensitive issue. We don’t want our troops to be stuck in another ground war, but we also don’t want to overplay our hand with air warfare. It reminds me of one time when I was a little girl growing up in Chicago — Chi-town stand up! — I was making my favorite sandwich, a peanut butter and jelly. I understand that’s a popular sandwich, no? PB&J? Anyway, I only had enough peanut butter for half the sandwich, but I had enough jelly for a few sandwiches. Do I use more jelly because it’s expendable, or do I use the peanut butter and make sure I enjoy it?”

Rights of Women

Donald Trump: “I have two daughters and Ivanka is very, very beautiful. She’s married and happy. I know a lot about women, probably more than most women. Tiffany and Ivanka are women and I helped raise them. I basically raised them on my own. So do I respect women? Of course.”

Hillary Clinton: “If playing the ‘woman card’ means voicing your opinions on a woman’s right to choose and equality for every single American, then DEAL ME IN! My opponent might not agree, but his own party wants to sentence 13-year-old girls to motherhood just because they were raped. Does that sound American to you? Does that even sound human?”

First 100 Days

Donald Trump: “Look, it’s gonna be huge. There’s gonna be a lot of changes to fix this mess that Obama got us into. But I’ll fix it, yeah. First we gotta get a conservative guy in the Supreme Court. That’s important. We’ll do that. We gotta do the wall. The wall’s goin’ up! Isn’t that great? Look at the guy over there! Isn’t he great? Alright? So the wall, yeah. We gotta protect our soldiers and troops and let the world know we’re not to be messed with anymore. North Korea. China. NATO. It’s gonna happen, all right?”

Hillary Clinton: “In my first 100 days as president of the greatest country on Earth — but, let’s be fair, there are a lot of great countries — we’re going to stay progressive and build on what my good friend President Obama worked on for eight years. We won’t build a wall. We won’t do anything ill-advised. We’ll be cool like little Elvises. That’s a Pulp Fiction quote. You know, the Quentin Tarantino movie. I love popular cinema.”


Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.