What to Do When You Realize You’ve Been Dating a Sociopathic Pathological Liar

The moment you realize you’ve been sleeping next to a sociopathic pathological liar, you will lose your breath, your head will spin, and the floor will fall out from under you. Take a deep breath and don’t do anything rash.

You will gather the facts and you will confront him. He will continue to lie because maybe at this point he believes the story you’re both living in. You will want to trust him and you will say, “Tell me something to make me believe it’s not true.” He will try but you will know it’s too late. You will sob and you will fall to the ground and you will even apologize to him for not trusting him because an hour ago he was the love of your life.

He will tell you the woman who sent you the message is “a fucking psycho” and he will tell you how much he loves you. He will call you “baby” and say he is there for you no matter what. He is trying to isolate you and you know it, but for a moment, it feels safe. She asks if you want to talk on the phone and you don’t respond. “Maybe she is a psycho,” you think, “Maybe I’m self-sabotaging.” That’s what he wants you to think.

You will call your best friend and you will cry more. You will cry harder than you have in a very long time. It will be ugly and it will be hard to see the road through the fog of your salty lenses but you can’t sit still in the parking lot for another second. Just do me a favor and drive safely; together you will come to the obvious conclusion.

When you park you can text him, “I cancelled our plans for tonight.” He probably won’t respond because he already knows what’s coming. He’s done this so many times before.

Pick up the phone and call her. You won’t be nervous anymore because you’re ready to hear the truth. She will be so kind and she will be a lot like you. She will be sad and you will want to hug her because you are both the other woman right now. You will be so grateful that she reached out and you will want to ask a million questions but you will be afraid to ask any of them. You will rush to get off the phone because you’ve heard enough.

You will cry more. You will wish you were in New York. You will feel lonely. You will feel stupid. The floor is falling again and you know what you have to do.

Go home and take a shower. As the hot water cleans the rust of the day off your face, run through monologues you never thought you’d have to practice in this relationship. Prepare yourself for the worst. Now that you know you’ve been dating a sociopath for three months, it will be hard to predict what his next move is.

Pack your overnight bag. Be grateful for the friends taking you in tonight. Put your shoes on and wait until you hear the key turn in the door. Prepare yourself for the next five minutes because this will be the fastest part of your day.

He will look at you with love in his eyes like he always does. He will look confused and he will sit down next to you and wait for you to speak.

Before you begin, remember this: do not wish for him to react in any way. He will not grant you peace, finality, or closure. You can’t find that in him, you will have to find that in yourself. Maybe not tonight and that’s okay, just get through the next five minutes.

You will tell him it’s over and he will say, “I knew this would happen.” Of course he did. He will not yell but he will be angry. He will look at you like you’re mean, gullible, and “a fucking psycho,” just like every woman who finally knows the truth about him. He will play the victim as he dramatically throws his belongings toward the door and he will tell you he’s sleeping in his car tonight. He will lie and lie and lie and make you feel small, and understandably, you will finally lose it. “You’re really fucking sick and you need some serious help,” you’ll yell as you slam the door to your own home. He’s not coming after you, he can’t fix this anymore, that’s not how it works.

Cry more. Watch the buildings crumble around you and call your best friend again to remember you’re alive. Drug yourself and fall asleep without noticing. Wake up and remember. Spend the entire day replaying every single moment of the past three months and realize nothing sounds like the truth anymore.

You are not stupid or weak for believing him — you’ll learn that others have come before you and it’s gone on for much longer. Hell, at least two others were happening at the same time as you. He’s just good at this, but not good enough. Hate him. Hate him more than you’ve ever hated anyone. Hate him for yourself and hate him for anyone else he ever hurt. Picture him miserable and sleeping on the street all alone and laugh.

Now fly to Vegas, not because you want to but because you have to. In the next few days you will learn more about his lies but you’ll also distract yourself with work, with alcohol, with gambling, and with texts to a 26-year-old who tells you how gorgeous you are.

Fly home exhausted and tearful, not ready to see your apartment again. Invite that boy over, make out with him, let him tell you how cool your tattoos are, be grateful for his muscular arms wrapped around you even though you’ve only met once before.

Stay home the next day and do your laundry. Ask the cleaning lady to “dust the fuck out of every surface,” and watch her oblige, eliminating every single skin cell that shithead may have left behind. Zone out, watch TV, cook your favorite food, and reclaim your territory. Remember how much you love your home.

But also remember that you loved him. You loved him fiercely and truly, even if it wasn’t real. You held each other when you cried about life and you were comfortable being your most honest self. You missed him when he wasn’t around and you cooked for him when he was. You wanted to spend all your time with him and you did, as much as possible. You thought this was it, you pictured your lives together, and that’s okay.

Because that’s the thing about living with a sociopath — the fiction they paint for you is everything you’ve been looking for, and that’s why it works. Be grateful for the giddiness you felt, the desire to freeze time, and also your ability to escape so quickly. You trusted yourself more than him or anyone else and that’s how you know everything’s going to be alright.