Why Am I Sad?
My most recent existential crisis:
After a deep and slightly drunken (at least on my part) discussion with my friend Jenna the other night, I find myself questioning my motives. For writing, for every day decisions, for any action I take or don’t take.
I zoned out on the drive to work this morning, wondering:
Am I somebody trying to be a writer, or am I a writer trying to be somebody?
This is a question I couldn’t answer a few years ago, maybe not even a few months ago. But I can answer it now.
My explanation extends past the idea of pretending to be something I’m not. I no longer accuse myself of impersonating the somebody I strive to be. Though, I can’t help but fear all I’m working toward is just a label.
Recently, I spent about two months working on a series of articles about rape culture and sexual abuse. Somebody close to me reached out and wanted to discuss her experiences so I could write about them. She didn’t have to convince me to do it because I saw it as a great opportunity to bring attention to the topic and incite a legitimate — and necessary — conversation.
But I also saw the project as a great opportunity to bring attention to myself.
When it comes to writing, I never believe I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. If I work hard on something and post it, you can be sure it’s genuine. My less genuine stories and articles don’t even make it past the Drafts stage. These scrapped articles have become more and more rare, which means I’m refining my craft. I now know I was never just pretending.
I am not a sad person. While I consider myself a realist, I often find myself looking for the positive side of things, which is not something a cynic — or a traditionally sad person — does.
Like anybody, I get sad sometimes. But sad is a feeling, not a lifestyle.
Over time, I have learned to deal with my feelings effectively. When I garner the self-awareness to know I’m feeling sad, I work to understand exactly why I feel that way. The first thing I do is ask myself: Why am I sad?
When I take this step back from my situation and disconnect from those emotions for a second, I am able to see everything from another angle. I usually realize the reason I’m sad is something stupid, like disappointment in myself for whatever I did/said/didn’t do/didn’t say. Next, I explain to myself that there’s no good reason to feel this way.
And then I move on.
The biggest challenges I face are the times I can’t figure out why I’m sad — when my reasons are complicated and ambiguous. I can’t exactly bring this problem to someone else and ask Hey, why am I sad? Can I? If I’m having trouble pinpointing the reason, then how the hell is someone who’s not me going to identify it?
Truth is, an outside perspective can help us figure out what’s wrong. As Jenna has helped me realize, friends and family members have the ability to look at the entire situation — the bigger picture, perhaps? — including aspects we might overlook, consciously or not.
Sometimes, the answer to Why am I sad? cannot be found through an outsider’s perspective. Instead, it’s a reason we need to figure out ourselves. These are the times we must ask ourselves follow-up questions, dig deep.
The most important step in the process is getting out of our own way. Critical thinking and introspection may scare some people, but it’s a fear we must confront.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I am a writer. All this means is that I write. For money, for fun, whatever. I do other things, too, and sometimes I do other things quite well. Writing is not the only thing I do, nor is it the only activity at which I excel. So, as much as I love doing it — and as easy as it is for people to say, “Oh, he’s a writer… He writes,” — I don’t want to be pigeonholed. It’s not a label I’m after.
Friends come to me for advice all the time. Well, here’s my best input for today: Ask yourself difficult questions.
Are you somebody trying to be a writer? Or are you a writer trying to be somebody?
*Feel free to substitute writer with whatever your dream may be.
Ryan writes things and sometimes people read them. You can find his work in the Medium publication Human Parts and in The Bigger Picture, a publication he manages. You can follow him on Twitter here or check out his website here. Thanks for reading!
