Here It Is: The @realDonaldTrump Yoga Retreat
Welcome! We’re so excited to have you.
Ah, the @realDonaldTrump Yoga Retreat. Yes, it’s really here! Hey, tell me this: where else can you combine the magical healing power of yoga with the daily dose of eye-gouging despair that accompanies each and every viewing of a tweet by our 45th president, Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump)?
Um, try nowhere else! This is the one, fuckfaces!
But wait just a minute, Beth. Where and when is this taking place? And how in the heck do I reserve a spot? Well, if you reach your arm into 1 of 55 carefully selected storm drains in the Tri-State Area and come away grasping a wet paper towel with an address penned in the blood of a sacrificed Shiba Inu, then guess what? You’re on your way, yogi!
The following is a schedule based on the anticipated tweets of President Donald J. Trump:
First Tweets Vinyasa. 3:15am-3:40am. Or something like that.
Suitable for All Levels. Probably. It depends on what you mean by “level” tbh.
We’ll begin our retreat by mindfully integrating movement and breath with President Trump chiding one of the pillars of our democracy: the Free Press! Deeper backbends will synchronize with terse and smoldering takedown of Failing New York Times, as cat-cow breathwork will allow for deeper understanding of what an enormous fucking loser Jake Tapper is. Yes, we know: It’s waaaaaaay too early for this. But this is the “New Normal,” ya’ll! Of course, the agita now dispersing across the room like a World War I sarin gas attack will be too much for “crow pose” — so we’re not even going to give that one a go. But fear not, yogis: “tree pose” will be there to shelter us from the tsunami of dread hurtling toward our shores, fast and furious. Kinda off topic, but don’t we wish that he was the president in the Fast and Furious films instead of the actual real president of the real country? Anyway, time for a relaxing shavasana.
Brett will be playing the flute throughout.
This Still Feels Not Okay By Any Stretch of the Imagination Break. 4:00am-6:00am.
Hot towels and free-trade almonds will be provided.
Getting Increasingly Worried Chakra Flow. 6:15am- 7:00am. Or around then.
Suitable for Some Levels. Stephanie, you probably want to sit this one out. Remember last year?
Chakra Flow is a gateway to a deep and knowing sense of one’s own inner strength, one’s own inner peace. In this class, we will focus on Anahata, also known as the “heart chakra.” Balance, calmness, and serenity. Those are its qualities, according to Wikipedia.
We’ll explore deep yogic asanas and somatic movements exercises as The President’s second wave of tweets rolls in, triggering a palpable sense of dread to diffuse across the room like one of those Glade plug-in scents. You won’t be needing a block or a blanket for this, I’ll tell you that much. Okay, now he’s threatening a NUCLEAR MOTHERFUCKING WAR. Again. No, seriously. This is BAD. Bad, bad, bad. Holy shiiiiit, you guys. Wait, did he really tweet about Kate Bosworth’s different colored eyes just now…right after that war tweet? Cherish every moment we have left. Time for shavasana.
Theresa will be playing the harp throughout.
This Cannot Be Happening Break. 7:10am- 8:00am.
Saltine crackers and ominous-looking shadows cast across vast stretches of an empty parking lot will be provided.
This Is a Fucking Nightmare Core Flow. 8:15am- 9:15am. Maybe.
More Advanced Levels. But If you’re a beginner, just show up. What else are you gonna do?
Core strength is generated from the core. In this class, we’ll be using planks and breathing techniques to strengthen —
— Okay, he’s toned it down a bit. Now he’s just retweeting Fox & Friends and some random-ass dipshit with like 9 followers praising him as the “Great Leader America Needs Right Now!!!!!!” Is this one of those Russian bot accounts everyone is always bitching about? Hey, this is slightly off topic, but have any of you read All The Light We Cannot See? It’s really good.
In this class, we’ll be heating up our bodies using the ancient kundalini technique known as “Breath of Fire,” during which we’ll be inhaling and exhaling in rapid succession to some of Trump’s more mercurial tweets regarding North Korea, some sort of chart (??), Crooked Hillary, a few 2013 classics re: Haters and Losers, that “covfefe” typo everyone still adores for some fucking reason, dog-whistle white supremacism, and — finally — a brief video of our President shaking hands with an incredulous world leader. Oh, looky there! An exclusive one-on-one Hannity interview is happening later this evening. Yay!!! That means it’s time for a relaxing shavasana.
Carly will be screaming into a Casper pillow throughout.
“Perhaps This Is a Simulacrum” Break 9–9:30pm
Maybe this is all just a projection on a white wall. Idk, here’s a link: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/are-we-living-in-a-computer-simulation/
Well, that’s the end of our retreat! Short and sweet. See you next year? If there is a next year.
Namaste,
Beth
