Has ‘Supernatural’ Prepared me for the Supernatural?

Dalton Baggett
Nov 6 · 6 min read

During my freshman year of college a girl I was hanging out with insisted we watch an episode of Vampire Diaries together. I obliged and very much did not enjoy myself, but little did she know she had changed my life forever. Not because Vampire Diaries had any real lasting effect on me, but because after the episode was over she left, but my TV was still tuned to the CW. When I came back into my room an episode of Supernatural had just started, and since I couldn’t be bothered to get up and find the remote, I watched the whole thing… Supernatural has now been a part of my life for almost 10 years. What’s crazy is that night was roughly 6 years after the show premiered in 2005. It is the longest running genre show in history, is currently in its 15th and final season, and will end with a staggering episode total of 327.

Over the course of watching roughly 245 hours of Sam and Dean Winchester hunting and killing all things supernatural, I’d like to think that I’ve picked up a thing or two about fighting monsters. So the idea here is that I list some monsters the Winchesters have faced over the years and decide if I could survive the encounter or not.

Could I Survive… a Haunting?

Ok, let me start by saying I’m pretty sure nothing on this list is actually real. I say “pretty sure” because I don’t discount anything without definitive proof. So obviously this is an exercise in fantasy. From here on out we are assuming all of these ghoulies and ghosties are very much real. I’m saying all of this in the “haunting” section because even though I’m pretty sure ghosts aren’t real, I’m still terrified of them. If I’m alone in the dark for more than 5 seconds I start to panic and am sure something will reach its ghostly hands out of the black and grab my ankle or neck or really any part of my body. It always makes for an interesting few seconds as I shut the light off in the living room and then quietly sprint to the bedroom to avoid any unwanted advances from beyond the grave.

How would I do in a haunting, though? Let’s see.

I wake up to the sound of floorboards creaking, the air around me gets inexplicably colder, and I venture to the living room to see what is going on. The ghost of a Victorian women appears out of nowhere, malice in her eyes. At first I panic before I remember what Supernatural has taught me. I need something made of iron to use as a weapon. Unfortunately I couldn’t even begin to identify iron, even as my life depends on it. But Sam and Dean usually use a poker from the fireplace, so that’s what I grab. Apparently it is indeed iron, because one swing with the poker and the ghost woman disappears, for now. I know the only way to truly get rid of a ghost is to burn its bones wherever they lie. Luckily for me the creepy old house I’m staying in for this scenario has a graveyard in the backyard, because burying family members who could potentially hold grudges in the backyard was just something people used to do!

On the way to the yard I grab some salt, as it’s the only way to keep a ghost from getting to you, aside from smacking it with iron. I find some ancient looking gravestones of a husband and wife and gamble this is where my ghost host’s body is taking a forever nap. I pour a salt ring around the plot to keep her angry spirit out, and start to dig. On the show it usually takes Sam and Dean the length of a commercial break to dig up some bones. It takes me 4 hours. Finally, as the Victorian woman watches me with her evil stare, unable to reach me, I hit the casket, open it up, vomit from the smell, and then set the bones on fire. With a scream, the ghost evaporates into a ball of flame as well.

I survive the haunting.

Could I Survive… a Demonic Possession?

According to Supernatural the only way to protect yourself from a demonic possession is to get an anti-possession tattoo. I do not have an anti-possession tattoo, unfortunately. All I have is a deathly hallows tattoo which doesn’t do much besides maybe pissing off Victor Krum if I ever saw him at a wedding. If I had the misfortune of running into a demon, I would certainly be possessed. I’m also quite unlucky, so it would probably be a reckless demon who would treat my body like the rental that it is for them.

I do not survive a demonic possession

Could I Survive… an Angel Possession?

This one is actually a little more cut and dried. You see, angels have to have your permission to use your body as a meat suit. While it may seem cool to be possessed by an Angel for a while, Supernatural shows us that the truth is very much completely the opposite. Angels are dicks. So I’m channeling my inner Roy family and telling the angel to “fuck off!”

I survive an angel possession

Could I Survive… a Werewolf?

This one should be simple. Just bolt the doors and don’t go outside during a full moon. Done and done! That isn’t any fun to think about though. Let’s assume I forget that it’s the full moon, and I go outside for a lovely stroll in the curiously bright moonlight. As I think about how lucky I am to be out on such a beautiful night, a werewolf comes charging out of the bushes. It’s not your typical werewolf though, not half man, half wolf, just a scary looking dude with big claws and even bigger fangs. Thanks to Supernatural I recognize what it is, and I know how to kill it. Too bad I don’t own any silver bullets, or even a silver knife, silly me right?

The werewolf jumps on top of me, rips my rib cage open like a can of sardines, and proceeds to feast on my heart like it’s a candy apple from Disney World.

I do not survive a werewolf.

Could I Survive… a Djinn?

A djinn is basically a monster that poisons you, puts you into a coma, and then lets you live out your deepest fantasies while it feasts on your blood. They are like Genie from Aladdin but much less Robin Williams/Will Smith and much more Jeffrey Dahmer.

Here’s the thing, getting captured by a djinn doesn’t sound all that bad. We’re probably already living in the Matrix, so the whole living out a life that isn’t real thing doesn’t bother me. Plus, if we are in the Matrix, whoever is running my simulation is terrible at it. I’d much rather live out whatever fantasy a Djinn could whip up for me.

I (happily ever after) do not survive a djinn.

Could I Survive… a Dragon?

Yup, there are dragons in Supernatural. They even somewhat resemble the type of dragons we would normally think of, scales, wings, fire, and all. They have the ability to disguise themselves as humans, though, so that’s how they are usually encountered.

What’s good for me is when dragons hunt they are generally after virgins and gold, so I’m not too worried about getting captured by one. Tim Tebow should probably keep his eyes peeled though. If he does get caught, he’ll need a sword forged in dragon’s blood to kill it.

I survive a dragon. Tim Tebow does not.

Could I Survive… an Arachne?

An arachne is a spider person, a person with spider-like attributes, a person who looks like a spider and captures its prey in a web. I’m out. I don’t do spiders or spider people. If I even catch a glimpse of an arachne I’m going to go ahead and just set myself on fire. That seems like the most reasonable and sane solution to the arachne problem.

I one million percent do not survive an arachne.

Could I Survive… a Rawhead?

A rawhead is just a gross looking creature with leathery skin that likes to feed on children. I added this one so I could pad my win total at the end. If I were to encounter a rawhead in the wild, my strategy would be to hope there is a child around, trip the child as we run away, and skip all the way home, alive and well.

I do survive a rawhead. Sorry to Timmy’s parents.

All in all I end up at 4/8. 50%.

Supernatural has prepared me for half of the supernatural out there.

Bingeable

Bingeable: A term coined in 2013 to make sitting in front of a screen for hours on end devouring the entirety of a given piece of content sound like a great time. Well guess what? It is a great time and we decided to write about the decade that made it possible.

Dalton Baggett

Written by

Bingeable

Bingeable

Bingeable: A term coined in 2013 to make sitting in front of a screen for hours on end devouring the entirety of a given piece of content sound like a great time. Well guess what? It is a great time and we decided to write about the decade that made it possible.

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