Quick Hits, Volume 5

Dalton asks Sonny about … Reality TV

Sonny, you watch more reality television than anyone else I talk to. Which I guess isn’t saying much because you are one of the 4 people I talk to on a regular basis. Aside from Vanderpump Rules, which is perfect, I don’t watch much reality tv at all. Based on your knowledge of various reality tv shows, which one do you think you would thrive on the most? Also which one would you most like to be on, even if you weren’t sure you could succeed? Mine would be Queer Eye as the straight dude who doesn’t have his life together.

I’ll address my answers to both of your questions, but I’ll do so within the constructs of this following brief yet completely comprehensive rundown of how well I’d do on eight of the current and former reality competition shows that I have spent a great deal of time watching in my life:

Note: I’ve included a brief description for all eight programs just in case anyone reading along isn’t privy to what the function of and prize for each show is.

Survivor — Castaways are stranded on an Island and compete for Reward and Immunity first as a tribe and then individually, with the winner being decided by a jury of previously voted out castaways. The winner receives a $1 Million Prize.

There are very few meaningless things I’ve spent time doing over the last twenty years of my life than thinking about Survivor history and strategy, so much so that if I ever wanted to take a serious stab at writing a book it would without question be about Survivor. In terms of straight-forward gameplay I think I may thrive as a contestant on Survivor more so than on any other reality competition show. But I would absolutely stink at living outside for 39 days. With that said, I’ve started filling out the application for Survivor probably a dozen times in the last five years before eventually reminding myself that the second my hands got too wet and pruney I’d want to quit. But I’ll admit, I have the tab open as I type this out.

Naked and Afraid — Two contestants (1 man and 1 woman) meet for the first time and are given the task of surviving a stay in the wilderness naked for 21 days. There is a flat $5,000 appearance prize given to contestants.

Get all the way the fuck out of here.

Big Brother — Houseguests are completely isolated from the outside world and live in a custom-built home under constant surveillance. They compete in various weekly challenges and vote out houseguests until a winner is determined by the jury and given a $500,000 grand prize.

At midnight on my 21st birthday I applied for Big Brother. Obviously I did not get selected to be on the show, because if I had my bank account would’ve once had $500,000 in it. There’s not a doubt in my mind I would’ve won Big Brother. Since then, I’ve stopped watching out of spite for not being chosen.

The Mole — Contestants work as a group to add money to a pot that only one of them will eventually win. Among them is one person who has been designated “The Mole” by the producers and is tasked with sabotaging the group’s money-making efforts. At the end of each episode, the contestant who knows the least about who “the mole” is, as decided by the results of a quiz, is eliminated from the game.

Had it not been cancelled before I was old enough to apply, The Mole would’ve been the first reality competition show I applied for because I for sure would’ve done incredibly well. One of the very cool things about it was that they would drop clues about who “the mole” was for viewers of the show to find within the episode, on top of all of the clues that were there only for the contestants. I’m sure it won’t surprise you Dalton that back in the day I recorded each episode of The Mole on a VHS tape, and I’d re-watch it each week looking for clues, keeping all of my findings in a notebook.

The Ultimate Fighter — Aspiring professional mixed martial artists live together, train together, and eventually fight each other for a six-figure contract to fight in the UFC

Not only would I be eliminated fairly early in the competition (the first time I had to win a fight to stay in the competition), I would also be badly hurt and terribly embarrassed. Ya hate to see it.

Tough Enough — Aspiring professional wrestlers live together, train together, compete against each other in various challenge for a contract to perform in the WWE

Fun fact: As a teen, every year when my parents asked me what I wanted for Christmas my very first response was “a full-sized wrestling ring.” Knowing what I know now about how little a college degree means when applying for a job, there are a lot of times that I wish my parents would’ve found a way to buy me that ring I so badly wanted so I could’ve pursued a career as a professional wrestler. I’m like 50% sure I’m one of those people who might just be naturally talented.

The Amazing Race — Teams of two travel around the world and compete in challenges over the course of a dozen or so legs where one team is eliminated in each leg. This continues until one team crosses the finish line and takes home the $1 million prize.

In my senior yearbook I listed “Win the Amazing Race with Collin” as one of my life goals. This is the show that I would not only have the most interest in appearing on, but it may also be the one I have the best chance of winning.

Bachelorette — A single bachelorette (deemed eligible), who is usually a former contestant from the previous Bachelor season, works her way through a pool of potential romantic interests to find her eventual husband.

I’m in a relationship, but single Sonny would’ve made it further than any pudgy contestant ever has on The Bachelorette, mainly because there has never been a pudgy contestant on The Bachelorette.

Sonny Asks Dalton about … The next “Game of Thrones”

Before I get to my question, I just wanted to take a second to thank you Dalton. If it weren’t for you I never would’ve watched “Game of Thrones” in the first place. It was your constant insistence that I catch up prior to the final season that led to me pulling the trigger on a fast-tracked binge-watch in the month and a half leading up to the final six episodes, and I feel fortunate that I finally gave in because “Game of Thrones” is truly one of a kind.

You wanted me to ask you about The Next Game of Thrones, and while I get what you’re going for here, I actually don’t believe there will be a next Game of Thrones so to speak. What made “Game of Thrones” a cultural phenomenon was the fact that there was nothing like it that came before it. It’s the same reason why shows like “ER,” “The Sopranos,” “Lost,” and “Breaking Bad” are so unique and so respected.

So here is my question: Assuming we’re trying to lay the groundwork for The Next Game of Thrones, what characteristics of GOT do you think are most important for whatever show comes next and tries to capture viewers’ attention the same way Thrones did? Personally, I think incest is #1, beheadings are #2, and giants are #3.

I see what you’re saying, there won’t be a “next Game of Thrones” per say, but we are poised for some kind of other phenomenon. There’s a strong chance nothing ever reaches the popularity and cultural status of Thrones, but there will still be shows a lot of people have seen and want to talk about. So if we’re assuming there is another phenomenon on the horizon, what will it look like?

The thing about Game of Thrones is it came out of nowhere. It was based on literature that was extremely popular among fantasy readers, but not so much the general public. People didn’t know what it was, and those that did were fairly sure that a show about dragons wasn’t going to work on HBO. Especially because GRRM has said his goal was to make his books unadaptable.

So, the next big show has to be something people aren’t expecting. Whether it’s based on an obscure series of books, or completely original, it has to take people by surprise. If it is based on existing stories, those stories can’t be fantasy. The second swords, or dragons, or knights are involved people will be quick to label it the next Thrones. That builds too much hype.

That actually goes for any show on the horizon. The second the media announces something as the next Thrones, they automatically put the final nail in the phenomenon coffin. People will have too high expectations going in.

That’s all to say I have no clue what the next big thing will be, but I do know we can’t predict it. Beheadings and incest is definitely the place to start though!

Dalton asks Sonny about … Sam Hinkie

The Philadelphia 76ers had Allen Iverson, and then they didn’t. So they were good, and then they weren’t. They weren’t good for a long time, and more recently they weren’t good on purpose. Sam Hinkie orchestrated an incredible tanking strategy that led to Philadelphia’s success… without him. Sam Hinkie was fired before he could revel in the fruits of his labor. Can you try to explain why Hinkie doesn’t have a job in the NBA and instead is just providing some analytical advice to the Denver Broncos?

The simplest answer to this question is that Sam Hinkie was different from everyone else who held the position he held, which was General Manager of a professional sports franchise. That answer is accurate, but it’s only a half-truth.

The whole truth is that Sam Hinkie scared the shit out of everyone around the NBA. Not in like a “Oh, he’s spooky” way. But in a “Oh shit, this guy is threatening to shine a spotlight on some of the biggest issues this league has” way.

Now sure, Hinkie brought some of this on himself. He didn’t just ignore traditional team building methods … he made a mockery of the NBA’s lottery rules and redefined the concept of “tanking.” Hinkie’s Sixers were openly operating on a timeline that no other team would dare, because while most teams would say things like “ We want to be competitive as soon as possible, but it might take us some time to contend for a championship” if they were pressed to explain their team building strategy, Hinkie would likely just say “Trust the Process,” which he may as well have followed with a blatant and exaggerated wink-wink, because “Trust the Process” essentially meant “We’ll pursue being a competitive basketball team as soon as we can be very good, but until then, we’ll pursue being a very bad basketball team.”

Of course, this team-building philosophy didn’t come to Hinkie in an epiphany. It was rooted in analytics. Hinkie was a Daryl Morey disciple, and nobody has openly embraced analytics like Morey’s Houston Rockets have. Hinkie took the analytic approach one step further though: In his time in Philadelphia, he attempted to acquire as many lottery picks as possible, by whatever means necessary, to maximize the opportunities of drafting a superstar. The Sixers never signed free agents to long-term deals and they always left cap space open at the end of each summer so that teams could use them as a trade partner to dump salary, as long as they were willing to attach future draft picks to the deal too.

Hinkie was eventually forced out by the NBA and the Sixers, not because “The Process” didn’t work, but because it was about to work. If the whole thing blew up then Sam Hinkie would’ve lost his job anyway, but this was a case where one man couldn’t be rewarded for unapologetically throwing away half a decade of basketball. The NBA apparently warned Hinkie and the Sixers multiple times that they were going too far. He didn’t listen. He kept pushing and pushing until he forced the NBA’s hand.

Sam Hinkie’s legacy lives on. On a nightly basis you’ll hear “Trust the Process” chants in Philadelphia. And you better believe that the NBA’s worst nightmare is if the Philadelphia 76ers, by Hinkie’s design, ended up winning an NBA Championship.

Sonny asks Dalton about … Harry Potter

Who would have more success: Harry Potter playing on the Washington Wizards, or John Wall playing Quidditch?

I love this question, but I should set up some rules for the universe we’re creating here. For the sake of this being interesting let’s assume that Harry has at least the skill level needed to be in the NBA, and that John Wall has magical abilities and can therefore play the game of Quidditch. Let’s use their careers in their actual sports to figure out how they would perform in their new athletic endeavors.

Let’s start with Harry. He is a once in a generation athletic talent. He was the youngest person to play on a house Quidditch team in over a century, and probably showed more raw talent than any athlete in the history of any sport. He is the equivalent of a straight out of high school athlete who comes into the NBA and starts dominating. Harry is the LeBron James of Quidditch. He would have no problem wiping the floor with the rest of the NBA, winning multiple championships, and going down as the GOAT.

Here’s the problem though. After he saves the wizarding world, rather than go on to play professional Quidditch, Harry essentially becomes a wizarding police officer. It would be like LeBron choosing to join the Akron Police Dept. rather than go on to the NBA.

Harry Potter would get the Sports Illustrated covers, the ESPN coverage, and even the Hummers. But he would throw it all away to be a cop.

John Wall on the other hand wouldn’t be an instant Quidditch phenom. He would probably join his house Quidditch team (He seems like a Ravenclaw) as a Chaser (Quidditch equivalent of a point guard) in his third year of school. They would win 2 house championships as he steadily improved, and he would go on to play professionally for the Fitchburg Finches.

Playing for the Finches he would become one of the top Chasers in the league, taking mid-range shots with more confidence and showing off his extraordinary field vision. Unfortunately, nagging injuries would keep him from taking the leap and taking his team to the multiple championships they should’ve had.

In these scenarios neither Harry Potter nor John Wall reach their full potential, but Wall has a successful pro career. He’s the winner of this head to head.