Six More Ways to Improve Major League Baseball
In April 2016, Sonny and I came up with 6 ways for the MLB to improve the game of baseball and make it more accessible to fans who weren’t alive to fight in the Civil War. The MLB didn’t listen, and as what we can only assume is a direct result, their ratings and attendance are ticking down. Well, we’re back with six more ways for Major League Baseball to improve their product. Maybe this time they’ll keep an open mind and let us save thousands of fans each year potential death by boredom.
Sidebar Ideas refer back to ideas Dalton and Sonny came up with back in their 2016 piece.
Idea #1: Sock’em Boppers
Dalton Baggett: One of the most annoying things about baseball is the insufferable practice of managers rushing the field to scream at umpires when they disagree with a call. Literal temper tantrum, spit flying, steam coming out of their ears, screaming. It is the epitome of hyper-masculine bullshit, and the only people who enjoy it also laugh at men who cry and care about Barstool Sports.
But, if like most things in America, there has to be a little bit of hyper-masculinity, lets at least make it entertaining.
Enter the classic toy Sock’em Boppers. That’s correct, the inflatable boxing gloves for children (the 90’s were anarchy) should be used to settle any disputed calls in a baseball game. Unlike children in the 90’s though, we’ll actually have rules. Let’s say MLB managers are allowed one challenge to a call in a game. They get an unnecessarily big red button in the dugout they can press when they feel their blood boiling over a call. When the button is pressed, the stadium speakers blare the Sock’em theme song and the crowd goes wild. The manager and umpire both get a set of boppers and from there it’s a fight to the death. Ok, not to the death, this is a family event, but at least until someone gets knocked to the ground or draws blood. If the manager loses, the call stands and he has to wear the boppers for the rest of the game. If the umpire loses, the call is reversed and the manager is awarded another chance to challenge a future call.
Using this new rule, the managers still embarrass themselves in front of thousands of people, but at least it’s fun!
Sonny Giuliano: Managers made it clear they were willing to embarrass themselves when they decided that they were on board with wearing full baseball uniforms to their job 162 times a year. I don’t care how ridiculous the Sock’em Boppers showdown seems my guy. You’re 63 years old and wearing a uniform with your own last name and number and everything. Get out there and put your dukes up.
Idea #2: More Personalized Outfields
SG: My favorite idea that I came up with for the last version of this column was the Personalized Outfields. It’s also, in some ways, the most practical. As I pointed out originally, baseball is unique from other sports in that the layout of each ballpark is slightly different. The Houston Astros have a teensy hill in their outfield. The Boston Red Sox left field wall is 37 feet high. You have to hit the ball 40 feet further in right field to hit a home run at Wrigley Field than you do at Yankee Stadium.
Just imagine how nutty things would be in the NBA if they could tinker with the court dimensions the same way. If say, the Charlotte Hornets decided that they wanted to get rid of corner three’s all together and place the three-point line 35 feet away from the hoop. Or if the Lakers decided they would shrink the paint. Or if the Nets forced teams to play on a court twenty feet longer than the average court.
Isn’t that just silly? Well, let’s embrace this silliness. I’ve got five more personalized outfields coming your way.
RingCentral Coliseum, home of the Oakland Athletics — The Oakland A’s best logo featured an adorable elephant balancing on a giant baseball while holding a bat with his trunk. I think you know where I’m going with this one … there are going to be so many elephants in the outfield, you’ll think you’re watching a reenactment of the Second Punic War.
Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox — Speaking of reenactments, once every five minutes a man in a Paul Revere costume will ride across the Boston outfield shouting “The British Are Coming!” Also, any fans sitting atop the Green Monster are permitted to dump tea on or throw tea bags at the outfielders.
Miller Park, home of the Milwaukee Brewers — Outfielders are required to funnel a Miller Lite and then play the dizzy bat game before each inning. Get ready for errors aplenty late in games.
T-Mobile Park, home of the Seattle Mariners — A Mariner is a person who directs or assists in the navigation of a ship. Therefore, in the outfield in Seattle, outfielders must row around in comically small boats. Perhaps we make them wear hokey sailor costumes too, like Popeye.
Target Field, home of the Minnesota Twins — When the visiting team is in the outfield, they would be bothered by a real life set of Twins … one who is wearing normal clothing, the other dressed like a doppelganger from Us. This would be a distinct homefield advantage for the Twins.
DB: You had me at “Second Punic War”
Idea #3: Hit By Pitch Payback
SG: The number one objective of this piece is to make the game of baseball more enjoyable by nearly any means necessary, but I want to make something very clear — and this should be clear already because in the 2016 version of this piece I advocated for harsher and more embarrassing penalties for P.E.D. users — I want to clean up the game of baseball … but I also want to make it significantly more violent. Think about that statement for a few moments if you’re confused, and I promise that you’ll be able to wrap your head around it soon enough.
This is an idea that perfectly encompasses that mindset. One of the cheapest plays in baseball is when a pitcher hits a batter with an errant pitch. This doubles as one of the most painful plays in baseball. I’ve never been hit by a high-speed baseball before, but I can’t imagine it’s a pleasant experience. Back when I was in 8th grade my friends and I were in a phase where every day after school we’d play dodgeball, but we didn’t play with regulation dodgeballs. We played with footballs, partially deflating basketballs, tennis balls, etc. One time we decided to include a baseball in the rotation, and one of my friends got hit in the ribs with it from a close distance. He crumpled to the ground in pain. We decided to stop using baseball’s in our dodgeball game after that.
I look back on that experience and I have three thoughts:
1. This wasn’t even the most violent adaptation of an actual sport we played. For many years, we played a game called “Rugby” that was a combination of Rugby, Backyard Football, and Kill the Man with the Ball. It was a never-ending game of football, with wild scrums for the ball and mad dashes for the end zone. Over time the primary defensive strategy turned into funneling the ball carrier to the “sideline” because there were rows of bushes on both sidelines of the field (my friend’s backyard), and when the ball carrier was running for the end zone they would be tackled through the bushes. Then we’d all yell “You Got Bushed!” It was incredibly barbaric. It is a legitimate miracle than none of us were seriously injured.
2. Wow, we were stupid.
3. My friend never got payback.
Even though getting hit by that baseball was “part of the game” it feels fundamentally unfair that my friend didn’t get to exact any type of revenge. The same thing happens in the game of baseball. When a player gets hit by a pitch — whether it’s accidental or intentional — he can’t retaliate without jeopardizing his place in that game.
I’d like to change that. I’d like to introduce a rule where if a batter is indeed hit by a pitch, they get their chance at payback on the pitcher. Immediately following the errant pitch, the batter would get the opportunity to trade in their wooden bat for one of those bright yellow whiffle ball bats that make the fun “woosh” sound when you swing it really fast. The batter would be allowed to brandish that yellow whiffle ball bat as a weapon and swing it with all of their might directly at whatever spot on the pitcher’s body the ball hit the batter.
DB: The bush thing you described reminds me of Johnny Utah tackling Bodhi into the waves in ‘Point Break’ so I approve. Glad to see the anarchy of the 90’s was still alive in western New York in 2005.
Idea #4: The Basketball Inning
DB: When you attend a baseball game there is literally something called the “seventh inning stretch” because they know the game is so monotonous and you’ve been sitting there for so long you need to have a chance to stretch your legs and walk around. That’s an insane thing to have to implement into your entertainment product. What’s even more insane is they wait until the seventh inning to do it.
Here’s my proposal: Around the fifth inning they roll out an NBA size basketball court into the middle of the diamond. The NBA Jam theme song blares through the speakers because it’s dope and will wake everyone the fuck up. People are intrigued when actual NBA teams from the respective cities playing in the baseball game run out to the court. All of the sudden there’s 360 dunks happening in front of the crowd, they start to actually feel something for the first time. Oakland A’s fans lose their minds when Steph Curry hits an inning winning, half-court shot at the buzzer. Dodgers fans are confused but pleasantly surprised by the excitement coursing through their veins after a LeBron James chase down block. “More!” they chant “More!” with the fervor of the cave-men when they first discovered fire.
The twist? The Basketball inning actually takes place at the beginning of the game, and then that’s it! The baseball fans have been duped. It was actually just a basketball game the whole time, and they fucking loved it.
SG: This is such a cheap, cop-out, lazy answer Dalton. Our objective wasn’t to replace baseball with a more fun sport or activity — that would be far too easy. Our objective was to implement specific rules and institutional changes to make a boring game more fun. But I do have my own idea based off of your idea …
I’m on-board with rolling out a basketball court onto the diamond and letting that game serve as a sort of halftime show for the crowd. I’m fine with playing the NBA Jam theme too, though I’d suggest we use Roundball Rock instead. And I love the idea of using NBA teams, but once those superior athletes and stars are in the stadium and already have a lather going, why not let them get in on the baseball game?
If we play this basketball scrimmage after the 5th inning, let’s just allow the basketball players to take over for the baseball players in the 6th inning. I’d much rather watch Nikola Jokic pitching to Joel Embiid with the bases loaded than I would any combination of pitcher and batter from the Colorado Rockies and Philadelphia Phillies.
Idea #5: The Astronaut Position
SG: Back in 2002 a delightful sports experiment called SlamBall burst onto the scene and reminded us of two things:
- Trampolines are fucking cool.
2. The game of basketball is so perfect that even trampolines couldn’t make it better.
Fortunately for us, baseball isn’t a perfect game, so let’s add some bounce, shall we?
We’re not going to put these trampolines all over the field. That would be reckless and irresponsible. We’re going to be building trampolines into the warning track of the outfield. And bouncing on these trampolines will not be the outfielders. Oh no, we’re introducing an entirely new position in baseball … the Astronaut Position.
Each team will be allowed three Astronauts — one in left field, one in center field, one in right field. Astronauts are not allowed to leave the trampolines during the defensive portion of the inning, and they’re required by rule to always be “in space.” They cannot stop bouncing. If they do, their team loses Astronaut privileges for the game. And of course, Astronauts will not wear the typical baseball uniform. They’ll be wearing spacesuits.
The players that teams employ to play the Astronaut position should be fearless (like real Astronauts) and have no regard for their own body or the bodies of anybody in the crowd, because the purpose of the job description of the Astronaut is to launch themselves so high in the air or so far into the crowd that they’re able to rob home run balls that normal outfielders would never even have a chance for.
DB: Cool, my next idea is about protecting the fans, and you’re sending astronauts rocketing into the crowd making this a more dangerous sport to spectate than it already is. I’ll allow this addition, but only on one condition: The “Astronauts” are actually kids from Space Camp. Think about it. They’re smaller and will do less damage when they hit a family of 5, plus there is the chance they’ll get injured and no kid deserves to get injured more than a Space Camp kid. (I’m 27 and still bitter I never got to go).
Idea #6: Suits of Armor
DB: The hot button issue plaguing the MLB right now is fan safety. When you have baseballs flying around at 100+ mph and some small netting to protect spectators, bad things are going to happen. They’ve proposed more netting around the park, which is fine in theory, but I think they need to take this opportunity to protect the fans and also give them a more entertaining experience. So I say take all that netting down, and put the fans in full suits of armor! At least the ones in the seats most likely to catch a foul ball in the teeth.
Listen, I’ve put a lot of thought into this. For the majority of the games, teams can just provide the fans with catcher’s gear for protection. They’ll feel included when they match one of their favorite players!
Where this idea really shines, though? Theme nights at the stadiums. Baseball teams are famous for cool theme nights, because deep down even they know they need to give fans literally any reason to come to a game. I’ve almost been suckered into a couple baseball games because of ‘Star Wars’ nights. Imagine you get to your game, you’re sitting behind home plate, and the staff hands you a full fucking suit of Stormtrooper armor. You’re instantly having the best day of your entire life. Foul ball comes screaming at your face? Don’t even flinch because you’re great. Wouldn’t even drop your beer!
‘Game of Thrones’ night? No problem! Home team fans get Stark armor while opposing fans get Lannister armor. Plus, opposing teams can get a full orchestra and if they hit a grand-slam they can play ‘The Rains of Castamere’ while the mascots reenact the Red Wedding. This is all 10,000 times more fun than getting a silly bobble head at the gate. It makes the game more fun for the fans watching at home too. I’d tune into any game where the view behind home plate is 1,000 Stark troops chanting “the King in the North!” as the batter steps up.
While we’re at it we should probably protect the pitchers as well, since the MLB seems to be unwilling to do so. That’s an incredibly scary job to have. If I throw a ball at someone at 100 mph and they hit it back directly towards my face at 200 mph, I will most definitely shit myself so violently I will evaporate. So the pitchers should get the armor too.
“Stepping up to the plate, Darth Vader!” *Imperial March plays as the pitcher runs from the bullpen*
SG: Love this idea, love the theme nights you mentioned, but you missed a pretty obvious one … Gladiator night. This would work especially well in Detroit, since we already have the Tigers in the outfield. And just imagine, for the first time ever at a baseball game, if someone shouted “Are you not entertained?” the answer would be, “Actually yes, I am sufficiently entertained. Thanks Sonny and Dalton for coming up with so many ways to improve Major League Baseball. This sport is fun now!”
